Canada, It’s Time to Start Thinking on Your Feet

Really–it’s aboot time

Okay, SERIOUSLY, what is going on with you, Canada? Why do you have a big “Who do these missing feet belong to?” mystery happening up there? Are there really so many people hopping around on one foot that you can’t sort out the ones who’ve misplaced their OTHER foot? And why aren’t those people coming forward and CLAIMING their misplaced feet? Are they too shy or embarrassed, like, “Oh, well, that foot’s probably the one I recently lost, but, well, our Mounties have more important things to worry aboot besides MY stupid missing right foot. It’ll probably come home soon, anyway. I put a bowl of food and a clean sock on the porch.”

I know y’all are polite, but COME ON. There are now FIVE right feet and one left foot that have just turned up–no note or nothing–along your shores, Canada. LOOK ALIVE, MOUNTIES! Get off your damned high horses and GET ON YOUR FEET! You’ve got a job to do, and that job is to FIND OUT WHO THESE MISSING FEET BELONG TO.

Kid Doesn’t Want to Go to Church

So he steals a car

I admire his commitment to getting out of church, I felt the same way when I was a kid. You know the people at the church will never let him forget this. I bet next weeks sermon is the Ten Commandments, focusing on number eight, Thou Shalt not Steal.

Screech is Broke, Y’all!

I guess his sex tape didn’t sell

Dustin Diamond, formerly of Saved By the Bell fame owes a whopping twenty-one thousand dollah dollah bills, y’all to the Tax Man in Wisconsin.  A lien filed in Ozaukee County, Wisconsin shows that Dustin, Mr. Diamond if you’re nasty owes $21,015.62 in unpaid taxes.  An Ozaukee County court clerk tipped off TMZ, telling the celebrity news conglomerate that as of two days ago, the bill still hasn’t been paid.

Twenty-one thousand dollars?  Dang!  Weak sauce. At least when Method Man and Snoop Dogg got busted by the Tax Man, they owed a respectable amount.  Plus, they have an excuse–they’re high on weed all time.

In other news, when I think “Tax Man,” I immediately think “BWEE DOP BOP BA DOP BOP!”  I guess in this case it would be “SCREECH DOP BOP BA DOP BOP!”

Source.

A $300K OOPS!

Apparently domestic violence is a social gaffe

Chris Brown paid jeweler Jason of Beverly Hills $300,000 to create a tacky-ass necklace that reads “OOPS!” to wear as a form of public apology to P. Diddy’s (or whatever his nom de jour is today) Fourth of July party.  It’s good to see Brown is so understanding of the severity of his crime.  Yes, Chris, the appropriate level of apology for felony assault is, indeed, “oops!” Although, the necklace really should have read “Oops! I am a sick young man who broke Rhianna’s face over a text message.” Or maybe, “Oops! I’m a fuckhead who is basically getting away with something other men would have done hard time for.” Or possibly, “Oops! My friends insulate me and tell me I did nothing wrong, so I think bashing in my girlfriend’s face is acceptable behavior, or at worst a faux pas.” Or even, “Oops!  I exist.”  I guess the extra words would have cost too much…

Thanks for the tip, AdAd.

Render Unto Me a Break

When I’m stressed about the death of someone I don’t know, I too like to set fires.

An Ohio woman is blaming stress over Michael Jackson’s death for her rick-diculousness.  She done set fire to a bathroom in a bar.

Amanda Jarvis was drowning her sorrows in Bootleggers Bar on Broadway Avenue in Lorain, Ohio when she went to use the bathroom.  She later ran out of the bathroom screaming that the bathroom was on fire.  The bartender (or “Smitty” as our own Jujubees would call him) went straight Colombo on her ass and reviewed the surveillance tapes.  After Smitty saw Jarvis enter and exit the bathroom twice in a short period of time on the security footage, he set off to track her down.

Luckily he didn’t have to go far; Smitty peeped her at the Boathouse Bar, also on Broadway Avenue (the alliteration is making me squee!).  He then called the cops.  When the cops arrested her and asked why the hell she went all pyro in the bathroom of the Bootleggers Bar on Broadway, Jarvis drunkenly slurred: “I felt stressed because my apartment had recently caught on fire, and because of the death of Michael Jackson.”

Pepsi, presumably, heard the words “set on fire” in conjunction with “Michael Jackson” and got nervous.

Source.

Perez Hilton: Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Lose one million twitter followers

The Queen of Media weighed in on Michael Jackson’s heart attack before the general public knew he had died.

“Supposedly, the singer went into cardiac arrest. We are dubious!!

Jacko pulled a similar stunt when he was getting ready for his big HBO special in ’95 when he ‘collapsed’ at rehearsal!

Get your money back, Ticket Holders!!!”

You can read the entire post here.

As between being a Garish Liar or a Drunkass…

Always go with “drunkass”

Remember that dumbass eighteen-year-old girl, Kimberley Vlaminck who went into a tattoo parlor and asked for three stars under her left eye, but ended up with 56 stars all over her damn face?

And remember how she claimed she told the tattoo artist in French and English (the tattoo artist didn’t speak either language) that she wanted  only three stars, then fell asleep, and was shocked when she awoke to “this nightmare”–she looked in the mirror and saw that there were 56 stars all over her face?

How utterly horrified she was, calling the tattoos–“the graffiti that has ruined my life.”  “It is terrible for me,” she cried. “I cannot go out on to the street, I am so embarrassed. I just look horrible.”  A Belgian psychologist agreed: “The trauma this girl must be feeling is indescribable. She feels like a circus freak– and no wonder, because she looks like one.”

Ouch.

Hey! You Got Milkyway on Your Face!

No, not the candy bar. THE GALAXY!

In Courtrai, Belgium last week, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck–likely with a mischievous twinkle in her eye– got wasted, walked into a tattoo parlor, passed the fuck out, and woke up seeing stars.  On her face.  Tattoos. 56 of them. Permanent ink tattoos.  Homegirl only wanted threeeeeee stars!!!  Not fifty-siiiiiiix!!!

Knicker Nicker Nicked

“But it was in Revenge of the Nerds!” not a good defense.

Emotionally-stunted-25-year-old, Thomas Williams, got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. And by cookie jar, I mean panty drawer. Pervy Williams had been breaking and entering for ladies’ lingerie since 2006 and plead guilty to 11 felonies, including 9 counts of burglary and one count of sheer stupidity. Grossface McGrosserson was, of course, dumb enough to contact some of his victims via Facebook. That lead police to his home where they found 300 pilfered panties. God, I hate that word. It hurts me to write it. That is why, TMIMO, the nine-year prison sentence wasn’t enough–bastard making me write that word should get life!

Cap’n Crunch Crisis

Cap’n Crunch, You sir, are a LIAR!

Our beloved Cap’n Crunch is under attack, y’all.  “Great Odin’s raven!” you may be thinking.   “Who would do such a thing to America’s third most revered Captain (behind, of course, Captains Kangaroo and America)?

Well, some halfwit who calls herself  Janine Sugawara, hereinafter “Cap’n Dumbass” sued Quaker Oats for fraud, among other things.