Russia Has the Best Cure

If this is true I will never have swine flu

Russia is telling people that are going to Wales for the World Cup qualifier that they need to drink Welsh whisky when they are there. Yes, the Russian government is telling its people to get drunk in Wales. There is a reason behind this whisky drinking; they believe it will prevent them from getting the swine flu. I drink a lot of whisky and it has never prevented me from getting sick. I think Russia just wants its people getting all rowdy over in Wales, maybe Wales stood Russia up on a date or something. At any rate, it looks like Wales is going to be party central come next month. How much would it cost to get to Wales for whisky fest?

Canada, It’s Time to Start Thinking on Your Feet

Really–it’s aboot time

Okay, SERIOUSLY, what is going on with you, Canada? Why do you have a big “Who do these missing feet belong to?” mystery happening up there? Are there really so many people hopping around on one foot that you can’t sort out the ones who’ve misplaced their OTHER foot? And why aren’t those people coming forward and CLAIMING their misplaced feet? Are they too shy or embarrassed, like, “Oh, well, that foot’s probably the one I recently lost, but, well, our Mounties have more important things to worry aboot besides MY stupid missing right foot. It’ll probably come home soon, anyway. I put a bowl of food and a clean sock on the porch.”

I know y’all are polite, but COME ON. There are now FIVE right feet and one left foot that have just turned up–no note or nothing–along your shores, Canada. LOOK ALIVE, MOUNTIES! Get off your damned high horses and GET ON YOUR FEET! You’ve got a job to do, and that job is to FIND OUT WHO THESE MISSING FEET BELONG TO.

ALL BABIES TO THE BURGER KING PARKING LOT!

It’s time to rumble…

Some megalomaniacal manager of a Missouri Burger King decided it was time for infants to respect his authoritah.

When a mother with a barefoot 6-month-old showed up on his watch, he promptly told her to remove her germ spreading crumb snatcher or he was calling the cops. That baby should have stuck her fungus ridden little foot right in his mouth breathing pie hole.

Apparently he was following the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy to the letter. It’s nice enough for a public service policy, right? I only see one tiny loophole. It doesn’t say anything about “no diaper.” HA!

I think all the local babies should unite, put on just a t-shirt and some shoes, and show up there demanding service. I believe we could even go global with this protest. We could call it, “Bare Your Bottoms For Babies’ Rights.”

Maybe Burger King will have to change its policy to “No shirt, no shoes, no diaper, no service.” Unless people beyond toddler stage are willing to don a diaper in support of baby solidarity, it would limit their patrons to babies, seniors and Michelle Duggar.

I really don’t see a down side to this plan.

American Drivers: Insisting on Embarrassing the Entire Northern Continent

Lookout, Josephine! Anozer crazy American who doesn’t understand ze metric system!

Hey, Travelin’ Americans! Metric system got ya down? Well, maybe you should find out about it before you travel. TO ANYWHERE. This Californian went North to Canada and was TOLD by a highway sign that he could go ONE HUNDRED MILES PER HOUR! Or so he thought, because he had never heard of the metric system, which almost EVERY country other than our own uses–INCLUDING THE NORTHERN ONE THAT IS CONNECTED TO US.

Okay look, I know I’m an American, and that automatically makes me a doosh to every other country in the world, including our North American sister, Canada. HOWEVER, I have personally been to Canada several times and driven along their shining roads WITHOUT getting stopped for speeding, despite not being able to personally translate the Metric System (math, GAH), but I figured out pretty quickly that when the road sign in front of me read “100” that it couldn’t POSSIBLY mean 100 miles per hour. COME ON! So what, you got confused? You saw a sign that said “100” and decided you were on the Autobahn? It’s CANADA, not Germany! And besides, I don’t even know if they let you go that fast on the Autobahn anymore! (I’ll let YOU Google if you’re interested, because, well, I don’t feel like it. I’m an American.)

The moral of this story is, DON’T BE ASSHOLES WHEN YOU TRAVEL, AMERICANS. Like we need any more “Look at ze douchebags! Zey’re so stupeed!” publicity.

But What I Really Want to Do is Direct

CrapChop

Hey, remember having your eyeballs peed in because of the commercial for this movie that always ran back-to-back with the “Girls Gone Wild” ads a few years ago? Well, I know what you’re thinking, “That movie looked like a chunk of shit and that’s all I need to know about it thankyouverymuch.” Well, I’m here to tell you that YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT THAT, MY FRIENDS. Because guess who wrote AND directed that chunk of shit movie? Vince Offer, AKA Vince Shlomi, AKA THE SHAMWOW GUY, AKA That Guy Who Beat Up The Hooker Who Tried To Eat His Tongue.

Tiger’s Great Escape

Screw the man!

A tiger that belongs to the Fernando Brother’s Magic Show in Las Vegas decided it just couldn’t take the pressure of fame anymore and tried to book it out of there. The tiger was seen roaming the streets of Northwest Vegas and was later captured in somone’s backyard. That poor tiger probably thought it had finally made it. It was all “Hell yeah! Wide open spaces and live prey here I come!” The humans gave it just enough time to believe that it could really have the life it had always dreamed of, and then BAM! tranquilizer dart in the ass. Now it’s back to being part of a stupid magic act.

Eddie Izzard Has Lost His Damn Mind

We love you Eddie, but your balls are going to fall off

Eddie Izzard is a charitably minded man (one of the many reasons he’s been a Bale), and he enjoys setting challenges for himself to raise awareness and money for charity, but this time he may have gone too far–about 1,100 miles too far. This time Eddie came up with an idea called “Eddie Iz Running” that involves him attempting to run 1,100 miles in seven weeks for the charity Sport Relief UK. So now he’s off and will be running through England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland, carrying the flag of each respective country as he travels through it.

The problem is, he isn’t a runner, which means he is possibly insane. He only began training for this a month ago, and 1,100 miles in seven weeks requires him to run 30 miles a day–more than a marathon. Granted, the last time I ran I was being chased by dogs, so I may be jumping to conclusions. In order to avoid making any false assumptions about Eddie’s mental health,  I decided to get the opinion of our resident marathon finisher, Bedbugs and Ballyhoo (which I did), and her “virtually a professional” opinion confirms my suspicions that he is, in fact, crazy.

Ms. Ballyhoo also brought forth the whole testicular angle of this subject. It never occurred to me that running 1,000+ miles in 49 days would be hellacious torture for the old bean bag, but this is why we consult our experts. Of course, as an expert she stated things more delicately, and only said he was going to chafe and possibly end up celibate for months, but I’m assuming that’s cautious understatement, and that his two veg will drop completely off by mile 427.

Insanity aside (or possibly included), we still love Eddie, so here’s wishing him all the best.  May he fulfill his goal without frappéing his berries.

If you want to donate to support Eddie’s efforts, you can do so through the Comic Relief-Sport Relief site. If you want to track his journey he’ll be tweeting as he goes, so you can follow Eddie on Twitter. If you want to bet on what mile his fruit will fall from the tree, British bookmakers will give you odds on most anything.

Marilyn Manson’s Satanic Knickers are in a Twist

When did Marilyn start looking like a menopausal Dr. Frank-N-Furter?

Emo Spice is on the warpath after Travis Keller from LA Weekly suggested in an interview write-up that Marilyn is a paranoid cocaine addict who is nothing like his on stage goth persona. That didn’t sit well with the Manson, so he did what any emo dark lord would do–he bitched about it on his MySpace page.

“If one more ‘journalist’ makes a cavalier statement about me and my band, I will personally or with my fans’ help, greet them at their home and discover just how much they believe in their freedom of speech,” Manson warns. “I dare you all to write one more thing that you won’t say to my face. Because I will make you say it. In that manner. That is a threat.”

Do people still use MySpace? Isn’t that so early twenty-first century? Come on Marilyn, get with the program. No one is going to take your threats seriously unless you tweet them.

A Day Without Megan Fox

Thundersquee! joins the August 4th blackout

Now don’t get me wrong, I love to look at Megan Fox, but lets face it; since Transformers 2 was released she has been on damn near every entertainment web site on a daily basis. AND, in most every instance she has either got her mouth open and her tongue hanging out, or she is saying something stupid. On August 4th, Thundersquee! is putting Baby in the corner.

I’m just going to say it. Call me a bad person if you will, but someone needs to say it. Megan Fox has the acting skills of  Corky from Life Goes On. The only difference is Megan is supernova hott with two Ts.

People Have To Be Forced To Use Common Sense

Texting while driving makes angels lose their wings

How many times a day do you see someone weaving around while driving ten miles per hour because they are on their phone texting away? I see it at least ten times a day, and each time I see it the person gets the horn followed by the finger. Once I saw someone drive into a pole while texting. I can’t understand for the life of me why someone would distract themselves like that while operating a two ton machine. Maybe they don’t care about their safety, but what about the people around them? The government agrees with me so they are trying to pass a law that requires states to ban texting while driving to avoid losing their highway funds. I like it when I find a law I can agree with. People who almost kill me because they are texting are assholes.