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Angry Black Lady Chronicles

The Universal Health Care Debate According to Rush Limbaugh ts-exercise-art

As the debate about universal health care (also known as socialized medicine, commie health care, pinko health care, deathcare, Islamo-fascist health care, and turrorist health care) kicks into high gear, Washington is all abuzz about what Obama is planning to do.  Will he require everyone to be insured?  Will he institute some sort of black ops covert paramilitary program under which black helicopters will circle every residence, offloading paratroopers who will fall from the sky, knock on your door, and demand to see your health insurance card?  Will it be single payer?  Will it be employer-based?  Will it be a health co-op?

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June 23, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009, Politiks | , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

I Love my iPhone More than My Principles

ts-feminismAs y’all well know by now, Angry Black Lady is a communist pinko social librul terrorist sympathizer.  She likes hanging out with Puerto Mexicans, (wouldn’t mind if we put one on the Supreme Court), and she thinks Obama is, more or less, the bee’s messiah.

Most of my views, as I relayed in a recent installment of Angry Black Lady Chronicles, stem from my upbringing, including my mom who saw her parents struggle to put food on the table in the 1950s after Joe McCarthy and his band of fuckwits, decided that my grandpa was a Commie and was no longer fit to serve as a teacher in the Philadelphia School District.  So yeah.  I relish sticking it to “the man,” whomever “the man” happens to be at any given time.

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June 9, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic | , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Head Explosion Countdown: 3…2…1…

I can’t even begin to grasp the fuckery that abounds in Sam Shulman’s latest article in The Weekly Standard“The Worst Thing About Gay Marriage.” Read it.  And be prepared to weep.  Or if your brain can’t handle that much pressure, I’ll sum up his points:

  • Women are all sluts whose sexuality must be controlled by men.
  • Men must protect women’s vaginas from intruders, because we womyns are just too damn precious and slutty to be able to fend for ourselves.
  • The only way to protect women from descending into sluttitude is to marry us.
  • Men “resignedly” and “heroically” marry us so we won’t have sex with our fathers and sons and so they, the horny bastards they are, won’t give in to the temptation to fuck their moms.
  • Gay folks don’t suffer the “onerous obligations” that come with marriage the way straight folks do: Monogamy.  Suffering the presence of your partner’s in-laws.  Turkey on Thanksgiving.  Not fucking one’s mom.
  • Gay marriage will become irrelevant the way black folks wearing daishikis with Fight the Power fist hairpicks shoved in their afros are irrelevant.

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June 3, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Politiks | , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Top Ten Reasons Sonia Sotomayor is Unfit for the Supreme Court

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1. She’s a chick lady: Never trust anything that bleeds once a month, but won’t die.

2. She’s Mexican: They’re taking our jerbs!  She will amend the Constitution to force all Americans to speak Mexicanese!

3. She’s Puerto Rican: What the hell is “Puerto Rican” anyway?  Everybody knows that “Puerto Rican” is just an elitist term for “Mexican.”  (See Number 2.)

4. She eats traditional Puerto Mexican cuisine like pig ears and pig intestines: Two words:  Swine Flu.

5. Her last name is weird: More Thomases, Robertses, and Stevenses please.

6. If you rearrange the letters in her last name, “Sotomayor,” you get “Mao roots y”: Hey Sonia, I don’t know “y” you have “mao roots,” but this here is Amurika, and we don’t take kindly to communists.

7.  If you rearrange the letters in her full name, “Sonia Sotomayor,” you get “A arsonist moo yo”: Do we really need some crazed pyromaniac on the Supreme Court?  Especially one who apparently talks to cows in street slang, yo?

8.  She grew up in New York: Do you know what used to stand tall in New York?  The World Trade Center.  Now I’m not saying she had anything to do with it, but, she does looks sort of terrorist-y around the eyes.

9. She can’t pee standing up: Anyone who can’t figure how to pee correctly–standing up–has no business in the Supreme Court.  Never fear, Sonia; the magic cone will solve this problem.

10. She was born on June 25: Gay bathroom stall enthusiast and pop singer, George Michael also was born on June 25.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Clearly, she’s going to legalize gay marriage, which in turn will give us all the gay resulting in a sharp increase in formerly heterosexual citizens deciding to get gay married.  End of civilization as we know it.  Fire rains from the sky.  Water turns to ice.  And you thought dinosaurs had a crap time when they became extinct.

June 1, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Politiks, Wistful Lists | , , , , | 13 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

They Can’t Sink Any Further… (My head just exploded)

ts-ggordonliddyAnd I thought they’d already sunk as low as they could.  What do you get when you cross blatant racism with offensive sexism?

Answer: Conservative radio talk show host and former Nixon Administration troglodyte, G. Gordon Liddy:

“I understand that they found out today that Miss Sotomayor is a member of La Raza, which means in illegal alien, ‘the race.’ And that should not surprise anyone because she’s already on record with a number of racist comments.”

and

“Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then.”

Classic.  And this from the assclown who masterminded Watergate.  Unrepentant douchebaggery.

(Thanks to Lisa(#1) for the tip!)

May 29, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Doosh Watch 2009, Politiks | , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Rush, Do STFU

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh to Keep from Crying

ts-daisy

Because daisies are pretty and I'm sick of looking at Sweaty Man.

Rush Limbaugh.  Sigh.  ::shakes head:: Crazy Man No. 1 is now comparing Sonia Sotomayor to David Duke.  Yes.  White Supremacist David Duke.  Former Grand Wizard of the KKK David Duke.  Anti-semitic David Duke.

Not only does she lack the often discussed appropriate judicial temperament, it’s worse than that. She brings a form of bigotry and racism to the court. I don’t care, we’re not supposed to say it, we’re supposed to pretend it didn’t happen, we’re supposed to look at other things but it’s the elephant in the room. The real question here that needs to be asked and nobody on our side from a columnist to a TV commentator to anybody in our party has the guts to ask, how can a president nominate such a candidate? And how can a party get behind such a candidate? That’s what would be asked if somebody were foolish enough to nominate David Duke or pick somebody even less offensive. It is asked.

Is this for real?  I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.

May 29, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, News You May or May Not Use, Politiks | , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Sonia Sotomayor: Just Too Damn Puerto Rican to be a Good Judge

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This shit is ridiculous, y’all.  In the same 2001 speech in Berkeley during which Sotomayor made the controversial statement:

“I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.”

she also said the following:

“For me, a very special part of my being Latina is the mucho platos de arroz, gandoles y pernir – rice, beans and pork – that I have eaten at countless family holidays and special events.  My Latina identity also includes, because of my particularly adventurous taste buds, morcilla, — pig intestines, patitas de cerdo con garbanzo — pigs’ feet with beans, and la lengua y orejas de cuchifrito, pigs’ tongue and ears.

Pretty benign, yes?

Er… no.

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May 29, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Politiks | , , , , | 45 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Obama Nominates Hon. Sonia Sotomayor to United States Supreme Court

ts-sotomayor

"I firmly believe in the rule of law as the foundation for all of our basic rights."

Yesterday, Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the United States Supreme Court. If confirmed, she will be the first Hispanic and the third woman to serve on the Supreme Court.

The right-wing whackjobs, as expected, are losing their shit.  They’re pulling out all the stops.  “She’s a radical.”  “She’s a liberal activist judge.” “She’s all Mexican or something.” “She’s a dame.”  “She has feelings.”  “She puts her pants suits on one leg at a time.”

Sean Hannity even said that she’s the most radical and divisive nominee ever in the history of the world, and that Obama has turned his back on white mainstream America.

WHAT THE FUCK EVER.  So you’re saying that now, Sotomayor is the most radical leftist nominee ever?  But was she the most radical leftist nominee ever when George H.W. Bush appointed her to the bench in 1991?  I mean, seriously?  Hypocrites, party of Republicans!

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May 27, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Politiks | , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

This Just In: People Are Idiots

ts-people-are-idiots1You know what? I’ve had it up to HERE (::lifts arm as high as she can which, sadly, is not very high as Angry Black Lady is practically a midget–sorry–little person::) with morons, idiots, and douchebags.

Idiocy is running rampant among the American population. Forget about swine flu. The worst that swine flu can do is kill you. Idiocy, on the other hand, is a seemingly airborne virus that is spreading from person to person, turning each of those persons into a moron, each more moronic than the last. Idiocy isn’t a disease that kills. Sadly, no. It is a disease that turns a nation of formerly intelligent individuals into a multiplying mass of moronic mouth-breathers.

Now what form of idiocy is most distressing to Angry Black Lady right now?

The idiots who throw around the term “freedom of speech” and “First Amendment” without having a clue what the fuck it is they are talking about.

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May 18, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009, Politiks | , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Obama is a Bloody Mustard Eater

Good news, Americans!  The era of post-racial politics is over!  Our President, the Black Man himself, is an elitist! Apparently because he’s not throwing enough barbecues on the White House lawn, or doesn’t have enough homies coming over and hanging out drinking forties of Mickey’s in the Rose Garden, Fox News has only one recourse–to accuse Obama of being elitist.  So elitist, in fact, that he has transformed from “Some Black Guy” into “Bloody Elitist Chap”–an old white British dude in a Rolls Royce asking for Grey Poupon.  Looks like elitist is the new ghetto:


Holy crap, you guys.  It’s obvious that Obama is out of touch with the American people. “Real” Americans don’t eat Grey Poupon.

Except for the fact that they do— because it’s made by Kraft fucking Foods. You know, Kraft Mac and Cheese? Velveeta? Kraft singles? Is there any company that is more American than Kraft?

Sean Hannity, you are one of the biggest douchebags alive. Or dead.

May 11, 2009 Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009, Politiks, What the Crap!? | , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments