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Food For Thought

Choose Your Fate Editionparis

I love hypothetical questions. There’s nothing better than hearing what people would do if they were put in certain situations or given certain opportunities. I find these kind of questions always lead to the most entertaining and enlightening conversations. With that being said, I now ask you:

If you had to spend the rest of your life with Paris Hilton constantly at your side, would you rather set yourself on fire or leap in front of a speeding car?

August 7, 2009 Posted by | Food for Thought | , , | 5 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

Evil all around us editionevil

Take note, dear Squeers! Evil lurks among you! I speak not of murdering bastards; I am talking about things that hurt. Have you ever banged your knee on your desk? Have you broken your toe by hitting it on the corner of the wall? These things are not coincidence; inanimate objects are conspiring against us. They lay in wait for the right moment to inflict terrible pain against us. You feel silly when you call the wall an asshole because you just broke your big toe by accidentally running into it, but you need not feel silly. The wall hears you and it laughs because it knows you never suspected its evil plan.   Heed my words: inanimate objects are assholes.  (This isn’t the first time you’ve been warned you about the dangers of asshole inanimate objects.)  Remember this next time you fall down the stairs for no reason.

August 7, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 2 Comments

Russia Has the Best Cure

If this is true I will never have swine fludrunkcat

Russia is telling people that are going to Wales for the World Cup qualifier that they need to drink Welsh whisky when they are there. Yes, the Russian government is telling its people to get drunk in Wales. There is a reason behind this whisky drinking; they believe it will prevent them from getting the swine flu. I drink a lot of whisky and it has never prevented me from getting sick. I think Russia just wants its people getting all rowdy over in Wales, maybe Wales stood Russia up on a date or something. At any rate, it looks like Wales is going to be party central come next month. How much would it cost to get to Wales for whisky fest?

August 6, 2009 Posted by | News You May or May Not Use | , , , | 2 Comments

Assault With Shoe

Not in the Applebee’s parking lotjason

Jason Wahler got to sleep off his booze haze in jail on Friday night because he was acting like a fool. Mr. Wahler had a little to much of the good stuff and started getting all rowdy so the bouncers decided it was time for him to leave. Drunk people don’t like being asked to leave the party, this is a fact. Jason got ten shades of pissed off so he went back only to be tossed out by the bouncers a second time. As drunken rage set in Wahler decided it was time to resort to more drastic measures, he threw his shoes at the bar. Around this time, the cops rolled in and played the “let’s take the drunk asshole to jail” game. Drunk people are funny but at times they are assholes.

August 4, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans | , , , , | 2 Comments

Best in Squee!

ts_big_fistWe here at Thundersquee! love our commenters. We love them so much that we’d sneak out to the parking lot behind the bleachers and make out with them in the back seat of their bitchin’ Camaro. But Thundersquee! is classy, so there will be no heavy petting. Instead, Thundersquee! will highlight the most squee!-worthy comments in a weekly column aptly titled Best in Squee!

And the award goes to…

Continue reading

August 3, 2009 Posted by | Best in Squee! | , | 7 Comments

Tiger’s Great Escape

Screw the man!tiger

A tiger that belongs to the Fernando Brother’s Magic Show in Las Vegas decided it just couldn’t take the pressure of fame anymore and tried to book it out of there. The tiger was seen roaming the streets of Northwest Vegas and was later captured in somone’s backyard. That poor tiger probably thought it had finally made it. It was all “Hell yeah! Wide open spaces and live prey here I come!” The humans gave it just enough time to believe that it could really have the life it had always dreamed of, and then BAM! tranquilizer dart in the ass. Now it’s back to being part of a stupid magic act.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Daily Whims, News You May or May Not Use | , , , | 3 Comments

Mel Gibson Still Crazy

But he is not a shirt rippermel

Yesterday some random dude filed charges saying that Mel Gibson hurt him and ripped his shirt because he was trying to take pictures of Mel with his baby’s momma. What kind of crybaby pansy presses charges because someone tore their shirt? Anyways, the cops say that Mel is not guilty of shirt assult because there is no way his crazy ass could have gotten out of his little booth and and brutally ripped that poor shirt. That’s good, now this stupid matter can be put to rest. You know that shirt doesn’t want to be seen anywhere near that bag of doosh that filed charges. It’s going to go hide in the bottom of the closet because it is so utterly embarrassed by its owners actions.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans | , , | 2 Comments

People Have To Be Forced To Use Common Sense

Texting while driving makes angels lose their wingstext

How many times a day do you see someone weaving around while driving ten miles per hour because they are on their phone texting away? I see it at least ten times a day, and each time I see it the person gets the horn followed by the finger. Once I saw someone drive into a pole while texting. I can’t understand for the life of me why someone would distract themselves like that while operating a two ton machine. Maybe they don’t care about their safety, but what about the people around them? The government agrees with me so they are trying to pass a law that requires states to ban texting while driving to avoid losing their highway funds. I like it when I find a law I can agree with. People who almost kill me because they are texting are assholes.

July 29, 2009 Posted by | News You May or May Not Use | , | 12 Comments

Johnny Knoxville Makes More Money Than I Thought He Did

The more you knowknox

I love watching Jackass for some reason. I know it’s stupid, but I find it very entertaining. For those who don’t know who Johnny Knoxville is, he is the main idiot from Jackass. Anyway, it seems that he is divorcing his wife of 12 years and is going to pay $6,000 a month in child support. Six thousand isn’t a lot by Hollywood standards, but for some reason I thought he had  less money than that. What’s even more disturbing is that he’s a father. “Sorry honey, I can’t pick you up from school today because I have to go hit myself in the nuts with a hammer and then drink horse sperm.” How did he manage to reproduce after assaulting his junk for so long? These are the questions that pop into my mind after reading a simple divorce story.  Welcome to my world.

July 29, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans | , , | 8 Comments

Dude in Dumpster Dodges Death

Not a good place to rest your eyes buddydump

Kevin Hallaran really needed a nap when he noticed a warm inviting dumpster full of food product sitting at the end of the alley.  Kevin decided this would be a great place to hunker down for a few hours, so he jumped right in and fell into a peaceful sleep. I like to imagine he was dreaming about kittens and ponycorns when the evil dump truck showed up and snatched up Kevin and his food bed. Luck was on Kevin’s side that day, because his frantic banging from inside the truck was heard before the trash compactor of doom was activated. Police say that if the compactor had its way with Kevin, he would no longer be alive. The moral of the story? If you’re going to be sleeping in dumpsters you need to know what the pick up days are.

July 28, 2009 Posted by | News You May or May Not Use | , , | 4 Comments