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Random Drunk Emission

Evil all around us editionevil

Take note, dear Squeers! Evil lurks among you! I speak not of murdering bastards; I am talking about things that hurt. Have you ever banged your knee on your desk? Have you broken your toe by hitting it on the corner of the wall? These things are not coincidence; inanimate objects are conspiring against us. They lay in wait for the right moment to inflict terrible pain against us. You feel silly when you call the wall an asshole because you just broke your big toe by accidentally running into it, but you need not feel silly. The wall hears you and it laughs because it knows you never suspected its evil plan.   Heed my words: inanimate objects are assholes.  (This isn’t the first time you’ve been warned you about the dangers of asshole inanimate objects.)  Remember this next time you fall down the stairs for no reason.


August 7, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 2 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

Swarm Editionswarm

We had major drama at work today. I went in the warehouse and there was one bee, a couple of hours later there were a few bees. Later in the afternoon a swarm of stingy death decended upon our humble building. I watched laughing hysterically as bees bombarded my boss. The swarm has decided that the dumpster area is a swell place to kick it. I feel sorry for the warehouse guys that have to endure stingers every time they need to dump some garbage. We are sending in bee death in the next few days but until then danger will be lurking in the place where our garbage goes. Be wary of the bees and their sharp venomous vengence. Bees are assholes.

July 10, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 7 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

Cloudy Skies With No Chance Of Rain Editiontucsonaz

As most of you may know, I live in the Valley Of The Sun Stroke. We are currently in our “monsoon” season which means it’s humid as hell but it never rains more than two drops. Take today for instance: Cloudy as hell with 50% humidity and not a drop of freaking rain. I’m originally from east Texas for god’s sake; I need rain. I can’t figure out for the life of me why I decided to move to a place that’s hotter than Satan’s ass. Many of the hags live in places where there is snow and rain and actual weather and I can’t help but envy them. The forecast yesterday? Partly cloudy and over 100 degrees. Tomorrow? Partly cloudy and over 100 degrees. Forecast for the next three months? Partly cloudy, sometimes sunny and over 100 degrees. Please Jebus, send winter soon.

July 6, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 15 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

Hair On The Couch Editioncute_kitty2

I love my pets, I really do. That being  said, what is up with all the hair on the furniture? Seriously, I spend 30 minutes getting that crap off and they sit there for 2 minutes and it’s completely covered again. I know a lot of you have pets, so you must share my pain. I don’t want to shave the poor bastards, so I just have to spend every day extracting cat hair from various surfaces. It’s OK though, because they are cute and I’m fairly certain they don’t know they are annoying the crap out of me by leaving a mess. Damn you and your cuteness cats!

May 28, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 16 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

Sci-fi Editionts-scifi

I’m a sucker for a good sci-fi movie or show. I can’t help it. I know it makes me a dork, but it’s like witnessing a car crash.  I just can’t look away. I’ve had a sick obsession with Dr. Who for awhile now. I’ve seen every episode but I keep watching them over and over. Today I found myself watching Aliens for the eleventy-billionth time. Anything that has to do with outer space or aliens will do really. I hate the series Star Trek, but I saw the movie and now I can’t get it out of my head. The movie was freaking amazing. I often wonder what my life would be like if these things weren’t fiction but, in fact, reality. Would I be happy living through these events?  Would I be scared and confused? There’s something oddly romantic and fascinating about the unknown, and the dreamer inside me loves the idea that someday the impossible could be possible. I’ll pass on the tin foil hat–I want to be aware when the impossible becomes possible.

May 18, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 13 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

I has booze and wants food

kitten-in-scaleI am on a mutha effin’ diet and I hate it. I LOVE FOOD! Cheese, bread, pizza, burgers, fries…I hate dieting. I find the older I get the less I can eat. I remember the days when I could eat anything I wanted whenever I wanted and not get over 97 lbs. Oh, how things have changed. I even started throwing up half my meals for awhile, but I felt so guilty that I stopped. It’s not even that my husband finds me unattractive (because he doesn’t), it’s that I’ve never been this size before and it scares me. Every year I seem to get a little heavier even though my eating habits don’t change. I know it’s just the fact that I’m older and my metabolism has slowed down, but I still feel ashamed. It’s hard when you’re not 15 anymore. Every year you look in the mirror and see lines that weren’t there before and notice that you don’t have the body you have before. My body isn’t bad, it’s just not what I remember.

Whenever I get down, I try to find the good things about me. I find it helps. What is it about you that makes you feel good about yourself on the worst of days?

May 6, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , , , | 12 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

COPS Editionts-cops

Why is COPS so fun to watch? Every episode is the same but I can’t stop watching it. Is it because watching crack heads and wife beaters get arrested makes me feels better about myself or is it because these people make asses out of themselves on national tv? They know it’s going on COPS because they have to sign a waiver in order for COPS to use their image.

I get an extra shot of glee when the episode is shot in the city I live in. Maybe I’m just bored? Who knows. All I know is that I must not be the only watching this show because it’s be on the air for eleventy years or something.

April 30, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 6 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

Beer Edition

I really enjoy dark beer but recently I’ve found myself drinking the likes of Coors and Michelob Ultra. These aren’t bad beers, but they’re not as potent or tasty as their dark counterparts. Why is it that light beer is only 8 bucks for a 12-pack, but dark is at least $11? It no secret that I enjoy my alcoholic beverages; after all, I have a weekly column entitled “Random Drunk Emissions.” So it’s very sad when I resort to drinking cheaper, lighter beer to save cash. May this economy “down in flames.”

Beer is just the tip of the iceberg. So many people need so many things right now, but they don’t have the money because they don’t have the jobs. It’s sad that there’s all this suffering yet every news channel has every detail about Obama’s new puppy. We like to distract ourselves from the really shitty things; reality hasn’t been fun for a while now, so our beer budgets go up while our income goes down. At some point escapism isn’t going to be enough and I fear what will happen when it comes to that point. Now I find myself thinking too deeply on such things, so I’m going to pet my cat, drink my beer and watch Squidbillies. Peace be with you, and may you be excellent to each other because everybody needs some excellence in their lives right now.

April 17, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , , , , , | 15 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

People who love themselves too much Edition

ts-i_love_myself_and_thats_all_that_mattersIt’s ok if you like who you are; in fact it’s awesome. Some people, though–all they seem to talk about is themselves. It doesn’t matter what you are talking about, they will always find a way to make the conversation about how great THEY are. They go on and on until I become suspicious. (I am a naturally paranoid person, so I become suspicious much more quickly than others.)

Why are you telling me how great you are? Why should I care that your house is big and you have pretty hair? Is it important for me to know that you never work out and yet somehow you’re still a size 2?

You’re screwing with me aren’t you?  You’re trying to give me some sort of complex!!! Well screw you, Miss Perfect!  For your information, I already have a complex, so I don’t have time for the one you’re trying to give me.

Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go make sure I locked the front door forty more times before I go to bed.

April 9, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | | 14 Comments

Random Drunk Emission

ts-msfixitFix It Edition

My husband says if I had a superhero power, I would be “The Failer,” but he’s wrong.  (He’s joking of course. I would stab him with a fork otherwise.)

My true superhero power is fixing other people’s mistakes. I might not ever have a dime to my name but I’m a freaking ninja when it comes to getting stuff in order. Your order isn’t shipping fast enough? I’ve got it covered. Your pricing was wrong and now you’re being invoiced for double what you should pay? No worries, I’m on it. You got shipped the wrong item and you need the new one by tomorrow or you’ll be fired? Grab a margarita my friend, it’s taken care of.

I get paid well for my ability to take a shitty situation and make it 50-90% less shitty. It’s what I do. Sleep well, fair city, Deimos is on the job. I totally need a cape and mask to wear to work. Also, I need to master my mysterious voice so I can confuse unsuspecting customers.

April 2, 2009 Posted by | Random Drunk Emissions | , | 7 Comments