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Time Rewind

Trapper Keeper Edition

2280294835_07ba9cd220This edition is all about, The Trapper Keeper. I had a few in my time and now they are back, new and improved. The only things I hated about the Trapper Keeper were that the rings always broke and it didn’t hold very many papers. It promised it would, but much like Carlos Jackson who checked the “yes” box on my boyfriend request and checked Tara what’s her names  “yes” box too, Trapper Keeper LIED! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIED! And also like the betrayal of Carlos and Tara, I handled the loss by listening to a lot of Air Supply and Journey.

Now that I think about it, I lost my shit a lot because of those damned things. The ads said they’d trap your papers,but in fact they did the very opposite of trapping–they regurgitated them. But what could I do? Much like leg warmers and Jordache, you sucked if you didn’t have one.

I still have fond memories of all my trapper keepers, though. My favorite was the one with the trippy unicorn scene. I always felt high when I would stare at it too long. I raise my jello pop and beer to you. It’s not an ideal combo, but it’s what I could find in the freezer. Cheers to you, Trapper Keeper. May you continue to screw over little kids by losing their damned homework.

Video after the jump!

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August 7, 2009 Posted by | Culture Critic | , | 19 Comments

Canada, It’s Time to Start Thinking on Your Feet

Really–it’s aboot time

for-next-severed-foot-postOkay, SERIOUSLY, what is going on with you, Canada? Why do you have a big “Who do these missing feet belong to?” mystery happening up there? Are there really so many people hopping around on one foot that you can’t sort out the ones who’ve misplaced their OTHER foot? And why aren’t those people coming forward and CLAIMING their misplaced feet? Are they too shy or embarrassed, like, “Oh, well, that foot’s probably the one I recently lost, but, well, our Mounties have more important things to worry aboot besides MY stupid missing right foot. It’ll probably come home soon, anyway. I put a bowl of food and a clean sock on the porch.”

I know y’all are polite, but COME ON. There are now FIVE right feet and one left foot that have just turned up–no note or nothing–along your shores, Canada. LOOK ALIVE, MOUNTIES! Get off your damned high horses and GET ON YOUR FEET! You’ve got a job to do, and that job is to FIND OUT WHO THESE MISSING FEET BELONG TO.

August 6, 2009 Posted by | Criminally Stupid, Culture Critic, News You May or May Not Use | , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Radio Shack: Rebranding Fail

Their “Friends” Call Them The Shack ts-the-shack

So in the stupidest PR move since New Coke, Radio Shack is rebranding itself as “The Shack.”  Seriously Radio Shack?  No one wants to shop at the friggin’ Shack.  It sounds like a place where you buy cheap crap… oh wait… Radio Shack is the place where you by cheap crap.  (Hey, I ain’t judgin’… I’ve bought plenty of cheap crap from Radio Shack.)

And what’s with this “Our friends call us The Shack” business?  As Squeer! justinsloe said to me:  “Who the fuck is friends with Radio Shack?”

Besides, Radio Shack is, like, the worst shack ever.  Certainly worse than the Love Shack:

Oh, Radio Shack.

You should change your slogan to “Radio Shack: More Irrelevant than France.”  I think Mae would approve.


(Thanks to justinsloe for the tip!)

August 6, 2009 Posted by | Culture Critic | , , , , | 15 Comments

“I’m a Rock Star, I’m Not a Feminist!”

You’d better duck, Lady Gaga. My vagina is in a throwing mood.


lady-gaga1Oh, Lady Gaga, you have narrowly avoided my vagina’s wrath (Why? Because I like sex, and I like booze, and I like a catchy tune), that is, you’ve avoided it UNTIL NOW. I was hoping against hope that, as an arteest (who claims to loves ze gays in a non-demeaning way BUT NOW I WONDER ABOUT THAT, TOO) you would be on MY side, and by that, I mean on the side of women, AKA, uh, you! Have you forgotten that on the arm of every gay man with a ticket to your show there are THREE women?

I understand that the term “feminism” has been weirdly muddled by people who don’t understand what feminism is, but while I ain’t no Vassar scholar, I think I can at LEAST explain that feminism= EQUALISM. For instance, how ’bout getting equal pay for equal work? How ’bout NOT being treated like you can’t speak for yourself in ANY situation (E.g., bill-paying, restaurant situations, bank heists). Lady Gaga, you’re newly rich AND you’re young–I understand that, right now, you don’t HAVE to understand the world the rest of us live in, but you DO have to appeal to your weird, possibly methamphetamine addicted public to sell your kind-of-okay-but-not-really records. And they are mostly, weirdly, women, despite your “Gays Only!” policy.

So here’s the moral: don’t bite the methamphetamine-addicted hand that feeds you, because that hand will die young and toothless and stop paying for your records (because they’re dead), and then you won’t get fed.

Video after the jump.

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August 5, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Sarah's Vagina Wants to Throw Stuff | , , , | 22 Comments

Katy Perry Won’t Be Kissing Jill Sobule Anytime Soon

“Fuck you, Katy Perry.”

jill4blogJill Sobule has finally weighed in on Katy Perry jacking her song title.

“As a musician I have always refrained from criticizing another artist. I was, ‘Well, good for her.’ It did bug me a little bit, however, when she said she came up with the idea for the title in a dream. In truth, she wrote it with a team of professional writers and was signed by the very same guy that signed me in 1995. I have not mentioned that in interviews as I don’t want to sound bitter or petty, because that’s not me. Okay, maybe, if I really think about it, there were a few jealous and pissed off moments.”

“When her version came out I started getting tons of inquiries about what I thought. Some folks were angry and wondered why she took my title and made it into this kind of ‘girls gone wild’ thing. Others, including my mother, were excited because they thought I would somehow make some money out of it. Unfortunately you can’t copyright a title… bummer,” Jill continued, before furiously adding, “So here goes, for the first time in an interview… Fuck you Katy Perry, you fucking stupid, maybe ‘not good for the gays’, title thieving, haven’t heard much else, so not quite sure if you’re talented, fucking little slut.”

Well said Jill. I’m sure Katy doesn’t care what Jill Sobule thinks about this. If she did care she would have at the very least, given some sort of nod to Jill’s version of I Kissed a Girl when she was out promoting it. Instead Katy chose to pass it off as an original idea and hope people had forgotten Jill Sobule’s song.

I’ve been a big Jill Sobule fan since the 1990s. She is a great musician and an incredible song writer. If you only know her from I Kissed a Girl, take some time on youtube and check out some of her other songs. Here are a few to tempt you.

A happy song about global warming.

San Francisco – video by Margaret Cho

Long after Katy Perry is out of the music business and working at Hooters, having been replaced by the next young pop star to come along, Jill will still be making music and playing clubs. Longevity is the best revenge.

August 5, 2009 Posted by | Culture Critic, Daily Whims, People We Love | , , | 15 Comments

Gay Fish appoints himself the New King of Pop

Klass thy name is Kanye

kanyesouthAs Lily reported yesterday, Kanye West appointed himself the “error apparent” to the title of King of Pop, and I can not allow such asshattery on his part to pass without comment.

While the Jackson family is still mourning the loss of Michael, well everyone except Joe Jackson, Kanye West has offered/demanded to become the new King of Pop. The self proclaimed voice of this generation has asked the Jackson family for their blessing, not that he cares if they give it.

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July 31, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009 | , | 7 Comments

Miley Cyrus Wants to be Batgirl

If this isn’t a joke I’m getting on a plane, flying to L.A. and kicking Billie Ray Cyrus right in the junk

miley-cyrusAccording to Hollyscoop.com Miley Cyrus auditioned to play Batgirl along side Christian Bale. I think the photo sums up fan reaction nicely.

“She was sort of hopping around the room and had even written some dialogue for herself,” a source said of Cyrus’ audition. “The problem is some people aren’t really convinced Miley Cyrus has the acting chops to pull it off.”

This has to be bullshit. I can believe she wants the part. I can even believe her agent forced a meeting, but I just don’t see anyway in hell that they would cast her. Christian Bale has stated that he would walk if they tried to make the Batman movies campy, so I just don’t see this happening.

The Batman movies need to just be Batman. No Robin, no Batgirl, just the Dark Knight. Superhero movies almost always go wrong when they try and force to many characters into them.

I guess there are worse choices out there. It could be Kristen Stewart as Batgirl.

July 30, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Movie Marquis | , , | 7 Comments

A Day Without Megan Fox

Thundersquee! joins the August 4th blackout

daywithoutNow don’t get me wrong, I love to look at Megan Fox, but lets face it; since Transformers 2 was released she has been on damn near every entertainment web site on a daily basis. AND, in most every instance she has either got her mouth open and her tongue hanging out, or she is saying something stupid. On August 4th, Thundersquee! is putting Baby in the corner.

I’m just going to say it. Call me a bad person if you will, but someone needs to say it. Megan Fox has the acting skills of  Corky from Life Goes On. The only difference is Megan is supernova hott with two Ts.

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July 30, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, News You May or May Not Use | , | 7 Comments

Gossip Girl Producers to Hilary Duff: Lose Weight Fatty

Yeah, this won’t piss off anyone

hilary-duff-metHilary Duff is set to guest star in the up coming season of Gossip Girl, but the show’s producers think she’s too fat to fit in with the rest of the female cast. An inside spy let it slip to Star Magazine that the shows producers have told Hilary to slim down for the upcoming role. “She’s too big. It won’t look right with the other girls. Hilary is fuming. She’s feeling insecure,” said the spy.

I’m surprised the producers didn’t fly her to a clinic in Switzerland to have her bones hollowed out like they did Blake Lively and Leighton Meester. I, of course, have no proof that Blake and Leighton have bird like skeletons, but it seems like a good net rumor to spread. So do your part and pass it on.

What do you think of the producers telling her to lose weight?

July 29, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic | , , | 37 Comments

Jon and His Ego Minus 8

Where are your kids, Jon? ts-jon-gosselin-fashion

I was hoping that the celebrity massacre which Cait and NFL Guy wrought upon the world by going on their honeymoon would be enough to remove Jon and Kate Gosselin from the public consciousness FO-EVAH.  Silly me.  Seems everything Jon does gets reported.  He broke up with his wife.  He broke up with his girlfriend.  He broke up with his nanny.

My question is this:  Jon, did you break up with your kids too?  Because for all the talk about your girlfriends and hair plugs and new Ed Hardy outfits, I’ve yet to hear a peep about what it is you’re doing for your damn kids right now.

Jon, any man can be a celebrity dooshbag.  Not every man can do the right thing and take care of the 8 fruits of his loins!  And if you are spending time and caring for your kids, rather than running around acting like a dipshit, if I were you, every time a tabloid asks me a question about anything, I would make sure to say “Hey, want to hear about how much time I’m spending with my kids?  You know, when I’m not diddling the nanny?”

Also, lose the Ed Hardy gear.  It’s not helping.

July 27, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , , , , | 8 Comments