uncollectedminds

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Jude Law to be a Baby Daddy

Again…

1judelawrecdrex_468x539It was recently announced that Jude Law knocked up some unknown female, but it’s now been disclosed that it is his former fuck buddy Samantha Burke. The initial reports had said that it was someone whom he was no longer seeing, but that he would actively participate in the child’s life and blah blah blah. We now find that those reports were possibly Jude’s publicist trying to make him look good before the “he said-she said” shit storm commenced.

According to Burke, she tried to contact Law to inform him of her pregnancy but his cell phone had been disconnected so she had to go through his publicist in order to inform him. It was also said that Law refused to believe it was his and she had to have a DNA test done to convince him.

A source alleged to be one of Burke’s friends is quoted as saying Jude refused to wear protection, and while that’s another point in the Jackass column for him, did Burke not stop to realize she could say no?  Who has sex with a man-whore like Law and capitulates to that kind of demand? I wouldn’t go near him with a teflon pudenda stuffed with Valtrex.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans | , , , | 5 Comments

Tiger’s Great Escape

Screw the man!tiger

A tiger that belongs to the Fernando Brother’s Magic Show in Las Vegas decided it just couldn’t take the pressure of fame anymore and tried to book it out of there. The tiger was seen roaming the streets of Northwest Vegas and was later captured in somone’s backyard. That poor tiger probably thought it had finally made it. It was all “Hell yeah! Wide open spaces and live prey here I come!” The humans gave it just enough time to believe that it could really have the life it had always dreamed of, and then BAM! tranquilizer dart in the ass. Now it’s back to being part of a stupid magic act.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Daily Whims, News You May or May Not Use | , , , | 3 Comments

Gay Fish appoints himself the New King of Pop

Klass thy name is Kanye

kanyesouthAs Lily reported yesterday, Kanye West appointed himself the “error apparent” to the title of King of Pop, and I can not allow such asshattery on his part to pass without comment.

While the Jackson family is still mourning the loss of Michael, well everyone except Joe Jackson, Kanye West has offered/demanded to become the new King of Pop. The self proclaimed voice of this generation has asked the Jackson family for their blessing, not that he cares if they give it.

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July 31, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009 | , | 7 Comments

Mel Gibson Still Crazy

But he is not a shirt rippermel

Yesterday some random dude filed charges saying that Mel Gibson hurt him and ripped his shirt because he was trying to take pictures of Mel with his baby’s momma. What kind of crybaby pansy presses charges because someone tore their shirt? Anyways, the cops say that Mel is not guilty of shirt assult because there is no way his crazy ass could have gotten out of his little booth and and brutally ripped that poor shirt. That’s good, now this stupid matter can be put to rest. You know that shirt doesn’t want to be seen anywhere near that bag of doosh that filed charges. It’s going to go hide in the bottom of the closet because it is so utterly embarrassed by its owners actions.

July 31, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans | , , | 2 Comments

Miley Cyrus Wants to be Batgirl

If this isn’t a joke I’m getting on a plane, flying to L.A. and kicking Billie Ray Cyrus right in the junk

miley-cyrusAccording to Hollyscoop.com Miley Cyrus auditioned to play Batgirl along side Christian Bale. I think the photo sums up fan reaction nicely.

“She was sort of hopping around the room and had even written some dialogue for herself,” a source said of Cyrus’ audition. “The problem is some people aren’t really convinced Miley Cyrus has the acting chops to pull it off.”

This has to be bullshit. I can believe she wants the part. I can even believe her agent forced a meeting, but I just don’t see anyway in hell that they would cast her. Christian Bale has stated that he would walk if they tried to make the Batman movies campy, so I just don’t see this happening.

The Batman movies need to just be Batman. No Robin, no Batgirl, just the Dark Knight. Superhero movies almost always go wrong when they try and force to many characters into them.

I guess there are worse choices out there. It could be Kristen Stewart as Batgirl.

July 30, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Movie Marquis | , , | 7 Comments

Eddie Izzard Has Lost His Damn Mind

We love you Eddie, but your balls are going to fall off

Eddie-Iz-RunningEddie Izzard is a charitably minded man (one of the many reasons he’s been a Bale), and he enjoys setting challenges for himself to raise awareness and money for charity, but this time he may have gone too far–about 1,100 miles too far. This time Eddie came up with an idea called “Eddie Iz Running” that involves him attempting to run 1,100 miles in seven weeks for the charity Sport Relief UK. So now he’s off and will be running through England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland, carrying the flag of each respective country as he travels through it.

The problem is, he isn’t a runner, which means he is possibly insane. He only began training for this a month ago, and 1,100 miles in seven weeks requires him to run 30 miles a day–more than a marathon. Granted, the last time I ran I was being chased by dogs, so I may be jumping to conclusions. In order to avoid making any false assumptions about Eddie’s mental health,  I decided to get the opinion of our resident marathon finisher, Bedbugs and Ballyhoo (which I did), and her “virtually a professional” opinion confirms my suspicions that he is, in fact, crazy.

Ms. Ballyhoo also brought forth the whole testicular angle of this subject. It never occurred to me that running 1,000+ miles in 49 days would be hellacious torture for the old bean bag, but this is why we consult our experts. Of course, as an expert she stated things more delicately, and only said he was going to chafe and possibly end up celibate for months, but I’m assuming that’s cautious understatement, and that his two veg will drop completely off by mile 427.

Insanity aside (or possibly included), we still love Eddie, so here’s wishing him all the best.  May he fulfill his goal without frappéing his berries.

If you want to donate to support Eddie’s efforts, you can do so through the Comic Relief-Sport Relief site. If you want to track his journey he’ll be tweeting as he goes, so you can follow Eddie on Twitter. If you want to bet on what mile his fruit will fall from the tree, British bookmakers will give you odds on most anything.

July 30, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, News You May or May Not Use | , , , | 19 Comments

There Goes The Ballyhood!

Don’t go back to Rockville

rockville_md_chick_magnetRumoUr has it that Kate Gosselin has taken a second residence in Rockville, Md. It is supposed to be her “getaway” for when Jon moves all his bongs and Ed Hardy gear to the Pennsylvania abode to let the nannies do his custodial duties.

Why would anyone want to “getaway” to Rockville? No Walmarts? Congested traffic? Bodyguards? She must not be an REM fan?

She chose her new digs wisely, though. Arby’s is right around the corner, White Flint Mall is conveniently located down the street and there’s a Metro stop right across Hungerford Drive. (There’s even an underground crossing so you don’t have to risk your life every time you attempt to cross the street.) What else does a reality television star need?

However, I do foresee one problem for her. I made a few calls to local hair establishments. If she has a hair emergency regarding her possum-do, she will have to drive all the way to Fredneck Frederick to remedy the situation. Trixie, at The Beauty Bar, said she would be delighted to take her on as a client. No appointment necessary.

July 30, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Keepin' it in the Ballyhood | , , , | 7 Comments

Marilyn Manson’s Satanic Knickers are in a Twist

When did Marilyn start looking like a menopausal Dr. Frank-N-Furter?

marilyn manson 290509Emo Spice is on the warpath after Travis Keller from LA Weekly suggested in an interview write-up that Marilyn is a paranoid cocaine addict who is nothing like his on stage goth persona. That didn’t sit well with the Manson, so he did what any emo dark lord would do–he bitched about it on his MySpace page.

“If one more ‘journalist’ makes a cavalier statement about me and my band, I will personally or with my fans’ help, greet them at their home and discover just how much they believe in their freedom of speech,” Manson warns. “I dare you all to write one more thing that you won’t say to my face. Because I will make you say it. In that manner. That is a threat.”

Do people still use MySpace? Isn’t that so early twenty-first century? Come on Marilyn, get with the program. No one is going to take your threats seriously unless you tweet them.

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July 30, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, News You May or May Not Use | , , | 9 Comments

A Day Without Megan Fox

Thundersquee! joins the August 4th blackout

daywithoutNow don’t get me wrong, I love to look at Megan Fox, but lets face it; since Transformers 2 was released she has been on damn near every entertainment web site on a daily basis. AND, in most every instance she has either got her mouth open and her tongue hanging out, or she is saying something stupid. On August 4th, Thundersquee! is putting Baby in the corner.

I’m just going to say it. Call me a bad person if you will, but someone needs to say it. Megan Fox has the acting skills of  Corky from Life Goes On. The only difference is Megan is supernova hott with two Ts.

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July 30, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, News You May or May Not Use | , | 7 Comments

Interpreting Sarah

Sprekin the Anglais, Sarah!

It Takes TWO (count ’em) TWO geniuses, for an ordinary person to understand her ramblings. At least, through her interpreters,  she finally makes sense.

Editor’s Note: The video is not  loading properly, so go here, to watch it. You really should. It’s brilliant.

July 29, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Politiks | , , | 4 Comments