“I’m a Rock Star, I’m Not a Feminist!”

You’d better duck, Lady Gaga. My vagina is in a throwing mood.

NOW WITH MORE VIDEO GOODNESS!

Oh, Lady Gaga, you have narrowly avoided my vagina’s wrath (Why? Because I like sex, and I like booze, and I like a catchy tune), that is, you’ve avoided it UNTIL NOW. I was hoping against hope that, as an arteest (who claims to loves ze gays in a non-demeaning way BUT NOW I WONDER ABOUT THAT, TOO) you would be on MY side, and by that, I mean on the side of women, AKA, uh, you! Have you forgotten that on the arm of every gay man with a ticket to your show there are THREE women?

I understand that the term “feminism” has been weirdly muddled by people who don’t understand what feminism is, but while I ain’t no Vassar scholar, I think I can at LEAST explain that feminism= EQUALISM. For instance, how ’bout getting equal pay for equal work? How ’bout NOT being treated like you can’t speak for yourself in ANY situation (E.g., bill-paying, restaurant situations, bank heists). Lady Gaga, you’re newly rich AND you’re young–I understand that, right now, you don’t HAVE to understand the world the rest of us live in, but you DO have to appeal to your weird, possibly methamphetamine addicted public to sell your kind-of-okay-but-not-really records. And they are mostly, weirdly, women, despite your “Gays Only!” policy.

So here’s the moral: don’t bite the methamphetamine-addicted hand that feeds you, because that hand will die young and toothless and stop paying for your records (because they’re dead), and then you won’t get fed.

Video after the jump.

Assault With Shoe

Not in the Applebee’s parking lot

Jason Wahler got to sleep off his booze haze in jail on Friday night because he was acting like a fool. Mr. Wahler had a little to much of the good stuff and started getting all rowdy so the bouncers decided it was time for him to leave. Drunk people don’t like being asked to leave the party, this is a fact. Jason got ten shades of pissed off so he went back only to be tossed out by the bouncers a second time. As drunken rage set in Wahler decided it was time to resort to more drastic measures, he threw his shoes at the bar. Around this time, the cops rolled in and played the “let’s take the drunk asshole to jail” game. Drunk people are funny but at times they are assholes.

Today is She Who Shall Not Be Named Day

Be Strong

Today is August 4th, a day without you know who. I’m here to offer you someone else to Google. If staring at her own boobs is good enough for Jessica Alba, then it’s damn well good enough for you too.

You’re welcome.

So help me, if you do seek out she who shall not be named today, this is your Danny Bonaduce punishment. (Not safe for work!)

Do yourself a favor and don’t look. Once it is seen it can never be unseen, kind of like a Pauly Shore movie.

Ryan O’Neal Puts the Moves on His Daughter at Farrah’s Funeral

Klassy Mack Daddy

In an interview for Vanity Fair’s upcoming September issue, Farrah Fawcett’s grief-stricken long-time partner, Ryan O’Neal, tells this story to illustrate his point about being a “hopeless father:”

“I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up and embraces me,” Ryan told me. “I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me-Tatum!’ I was just trying to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter. It’s so sick.”

Oh, come now, Ryan. Don’t beat yourself up! It’s probably not any sicker than Tatum’s response:

“That’s our relationship in a nutshell,” Tatum said when I asked her about it. “You make of it what you will.” She sighed. “It had been a few years since we’d seen each other, and he was always a ladies’ man, a bon vivant.”

Also, the Captain Obvious in me would like to point out that this story begs the question, Ryan, you big, charming douche, shouldn’t you wait until AFTER the funeral to start hitting on blonde, Swedish-looking women who are probably your daughter? Okay, that’s maybe more of a judgment than a question, but it hadda be said.

Screech is Broke, Y’all!

I guess his sex tape didn’t sell

Dustin Diamond, formerly of Saved By the Bell fame owes a whopping twenty-one thousand dollah dollah bills, y’all to the Tax Man in Wisconsin.  A lien filed in Ozaukee County, Wisconsin shows that Dustin, Mr. Diamond if you’re nasty owes $21,015.62 in unpaid taxes.  An Ozaukee County court clerk tipped off TMZ, telling the celebrity news conglomerate that as of two days ago, the bill still hasn’t been paid.

Twenty-one thousand dollars?  Dang!  Weak sauce. At least when Method Man and Snoop Dogg got busted by the Tax Man, they owed a respectable amount.  Plus, they have an excuse–they’re high on weed all time.

In other news, when I think “Tax Man,” I immediately think “BWEE DOP BOP BA DOP BOP!”  I guess in this case it would be “SCREECH DOP BOP BA DOP BOP!”

Source.

Jude Law to be a Baby Daddy

Again…

It was recently announced that Jude Law knocked up some unknown female, but it’s now been disclosed that it is his former fuck buddy Samantha Burke. The initial reports had said that it was someone whom he was no longer seeing, but that he would actively participate in the child’s life and blah blah blah. We now find that those reports were possibly Jude’s publicist trying to make him look good before the “he said-she said” shit storm commenced.

According to Burke, she tried to contact Law to inform him of her pregnancy but his cell phone had been disconnected so she had to go through his publicist in order to inform him. It was also said that Law refused to believe it was his and she had to have a DNA test done to convince him.

A source alleged to be one of Burke’s friends is quoted as saying Jude refused to wear protection, and while that’s another point in the Jackass column for him, did Burke not stop to realize she could say no?  Who has sex with a man-whore like Law and capitulates to that kind of demand? I wouldn’t go near him with a teflon pudenda stuffed with Valtrex.

Gay Fish appoints himself the New King of Pop

Klass thy name is Kanye

As Lily reported yesterday, Kanye West appointed himself the “error apparent” to the title of King of Pop, and I can not allow such asshattery on his part to pass without comment.

While the Jackson family is still mourning the loss of Michael, well everyone except Joe Jackson, Kanye West has offered/demanded to become the new King of Pop. The self proclaimed voice of this generation has asked the Jackson family for their blessing, not that he cares if they give it.

Mel Gibson Still Crazy

But he is not a shirt ripper

Yesterday some random dude filed charges saying that Mel Gibson hurt him and ripped his shirt because he was trying to take pictures of Mel with his baby’s momma. What kind of crybaby pansy presses charges because someone tore their shirt? Anyways, the cops say that Mel is not guilty of shirt assult because there is no way his crazy ass could have gotten out of his little booth and and brutally ripped that poor shirt. That’s good, now this stupid matter can be put to rest. You know that shirt doesn’t want to be seen anywhere near that bag of doosh that filed charges. It’s going to go hide in the bottom of the closet because it is so utterly embarrassed by its owners actions.

Miley Cyrus Wants to be Batgirl

If this isn’t a joke I’m getting on a plane, flying to L.A. and kicking Billie Ray Cyrus right in the junk

According to Hollyscoop.com Miley Cyrus auditioned to play Batgirl along side Christian Bale. I think the photo sums up fan reaction nicely.

“She was sort of hopping around the room and had even written some dialogue for herself,” a source said of Cyrus’ audition. “The problem is some people aren’t really convinced Miley Cyrus has the acting chops to pull it off.”

This has to be bullshit. I can believe she wants the part. I can even believe her agent forced a meeting, but I just don’t see anyway in hell that they would cast her. Christian Bale has stated that he would walk if they tried to make the Batman movies campy, so I just don’t see this happening.

The Batman movies need to just be Batman. No Robin, no Batgirl, just the Dark Knight. Superhero movies almost always go wrong when they try and force to many characters into them.

I guess there are worse choices out there. It could be Kristen Stewart as Batgirl.

Eddie Izzard Has Lost His Damn Mind

We love you Eddie, but your balls are going to fall off

Eddie Izzard is a charitably minded man (one of the many reasons he’s been a Bale), and he enjoys setting challenges for himself to raise awareness and money for charity, but this time he may have gone too far–about 1,100 miles too far. This time Eddie came up with an idea called “Eddie Iz Running” that involves him attempting to run 1,100 miles in seven weeks for the charity Sport Relief UK. So now he’s off and will be running through England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland, carrying the flag of each respective country as he travels through it.

The problem is, he isn’t a runner, which means he is possibly insane. He only began training for this a month ago, and 1,100 miles in seven weeks requires him to run 30 miles a day–more than a marathon. Granted, the last time I ran I was being chased by dogs, so I may be jumping to conclusions. In order to avoid making any false assumptions about Eddie’s mental health,  I decided to get the opinion of our resident marathon finisher, Bedbugs and Ballyhoo (which I did), and her “virtually a professional” opinion confirms my suspicions that he is, in fact, crazy.

Ms. Ballyhoo also brought forth the whole testicular angle of this subject. It never occurred to me that running 1,000+ miles in 49 days would be hellacious torture for the old bean bag, but this is why we consult our experts. Of course, as an expert she stated things more delicately, and only said he was going to chafe and possibly end up celibate for months, but I’m assuming that’s cautious understatement, and that his two veg will drop completely off by mile 427.

Insanity aside (or possibly included), we still love Eddie, so here’s wishing him all the best.  May he fulfill his goal without frappéing his berries.

If you want to donate to support Eddie’s efforts, you can do so through the Comic Relief-Sport Relief site. If you want to track his journey he’ll be tweeting as he goes, so you can follow Eddie on Twitter. If you want to bet on what mile his fruit will fall from the tree, British bookmakers will give you odds on most anything.