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ALL BABIES TO THE BURGER KING PARKING LOT!

It’s time to rumble…

492770538_cb7c7d4f9eSome megalomaniacal manager of a Missouri Burger King decided it was time for infants to respect his authoritah.

When a mother with a barefoot 6-month-old showed up on his watch, he promptly told her to remove her germ spreading crumb snatcher or he was calling the cops. That baby should have stuck her fungus ridden little foot right in his mouth breathing pie hole.

Apparently he was following the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy to the letter. It’s nice enough for a public service policy, right? I only see one tiny loophole. It doesn’t say anything about “no diaper.” HA!

I think all the local babies should unite, put on just a t-shirt and some shoes, and show up there demanding service. I believe we could even go global with this protest. We could call it, “Bare Your Bottoms For Babies’ Rights.”

Maybe Burger King will have to change its policy to “No shirt, no shoes, no diaper, no service.” Unless people beyond toddler stage are willing to don a diaper in support of baby solidarity, it would limit their patrons to babies, seniors and Michelle Duggar.

I really don’t see a down side to this plan.

August 6, 2009 Posted by | Doosh Watch 2009, News You May or May Not Use | , , , , | 5 Comments

Gay Fish appoints himself the New King of Pop

Klass thy name is Kanye

kanyesouthAs Lily reported yesterday, Kanye West appointed himself the “error apparent” to the title of King of Pop, and I can not allow such asshattery on his part to pass without comment.

While the Jackson family is still mourning the loss of Michael, well everyone except Joe Jackson, Kanye West has offered/demanded to become the new King of Pop. The self proclaimed voice of this generation has asked the Jackson family for their blessing, not that he cares if they give it.

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July 31, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009 | , | 7 Comments

Jon and His Ego Minus 8

Where are your kids, Jon? ts-jon-gosselin-fashion

I was hoping that the celebrity massacre which Cait and NFL Guy wrought upon the world by going on their honeymoon would be enough to remove Jon and Kate Gosselin from the public consciousness FO-EVAH.  Silly me.  Seems everything Jon does gets reported.  He broke up with his wife.  He broke up with his girlfriend.  He broke up with his nanny.

My question is this:  Jon, did you break up with your kids too?  Because for all the talk about your girlfriends and hair plugs and new Ed Hardy outfits, I’ve yet to hear a peep about what it is you’re doing for your damn kids right now.

Jon, any man can be a celebrity dooshbag.  Not every man can do the right thing and take care of the 8 fruits of his loins!  And if you are spending time and caring for your kids, rather than running around acting like a dipshit, if I were you, every time a tabloid asks me a question about anything, I would make sure to say “Hey, want to hear about how much time I’m spending with my kids?  You know, when I’m not diddling the nanny?”

Also, lose the Ed Hardy gear.  It’s not helping.

July 27, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Levi Johnston and Hitler Weigh in on Sarah Palin Resigning

One of them doesn’t take it too well…

sarah-louise-heath-palin-2430Bristol Palin’s baby daddy Levi Johnston is talking about Sarah Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska. Levi and the Palin family have had a not so friendly relationship ever since he and Bristol called off their sham of an engagement. I can’t imagine his statements here will do anything to ease that.

Johnston claims to have overheard Sarah talking about how she would like to cash in on her new found fame with all the offers coming in including a possible reality show and a book.

“She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say ‘forget everything else,'” he said. Adding, “I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars.”

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July 15, 2009 Posted by | Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009, Politiks | , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A $300K OOPS!

Apparently domestic violence is a social gaffe

foksv-ct6zusChris Brown paid jeweler Jason of Beverly Hills $300,000 to create a tacky-ass necklace that reads “OOPS!” to wear as a form of public apology to P. Diddy’s (or whatever his nom de jour is today) Fourth of July party.  It’s good to see Brown is so understanding of the severity of his crime.  Yes, Chris, the appropriate level of apology for felony assault is, indeed, “oops!” Although, the necklace really should have read “Oops! I am a sick young man who broke Rhianna’s face over a text message.” Or maybe, “Oops! I’m a fuckhead who is basically getting away with something other men would have done hard time for.” Or possibly, “Oops! My friends insulate me and tell me I did nothing wrong, so I think bashing in my girlfriend’s face is acceptable behavior, or at worst a faux pas.” Or even, “Oops!  I exist.”  I guess the extra words would have cost too much…

Thanks for the tip, AdAd.

July 14, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Criminally Stupid, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Sarah Palin Resigned

For the Good of the People

ts-soapbox

Sarah Palin has decided to step down as the Governor of Alaska to save the state all the money it is spending on investigating her for ethics violations. She has also stated that she doesn’t want to be a “lame duck” and that “one term was enough”. Please watch this video while I go look for my soap box.

OK, I’m back.

Boy, where to start. As many of you know, I am extremely liberal. On most issues I’m so far to the left that I start to wrap back around. I’m so far left when I stick my head out my door I can see Rush Limbaugh’s house. Right now he is relaxing by his pool, popping drugs by the handful and sporting a Speedo, it’s not a pretty sight. Oh wait, I’m sorry. Rush isn’t popping drugs, he’s taking his “prescription”.

Back to Sarah. Lets talk about “One term being enough”. She was elected in 2006. Took office in January of 2007. She spent around four months running for Vice President. And now has retired with a year and a half to go on her term. Maybe my math is off, but in the two and a half years as Governor of Alaska she was only really there for about two years worth of work. I know some people will say while she was running for V.P. she was still doing her work as Governor and that is kind of true. Let’s be honest, in those months she was running for V.P. all of her attention was focused on winning and getting the hell out of Alaska. How can she claim one term was enough when she BARELY completed HALF of her first term as Governor?

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July 8, 2009 Posted by | Culture Critic, Doosh Watch 2009, Politiks, The Wrath of Kahn | , , , , , | 10 Comments

What Is Wrong With You, Marion Barry.

This Fucking Guyts-barry

Marion Barry, inexplicably three-time elected Mayor (now Councilman) of Washington, DC, has been arrested for doing some more stupid shit. Again.
Before I get into details, let’s recap some of Cracky’s greatest hits, shall we?

1990 – Arrested when hotel surveillance cameras caught Barry smoking crack with a hooker, after which he served six months in Club Fed.
2002 – Arrested for possession of cocaine and weed found in his car during a routine traffic stop.
2005 – Put on probation for not filing or paying income taxes for years. During the hearing, his mandatory drug screening tested positive for cocaine and marijuana.
2006 – Was pulled over on suspicion of driving under the influence when he was seen stopping at a green light, and then running a red light – at which point he was also found to be driving an unregistered vehicle with the wrong tags.
2006 – On an entirely separate occasion, Barry was stopped for a minor traffic violation, whereupon it was found that he’d been driving on a suspended license.
2008 – Again, failed to file or pay his taxes, extending his probation to 2011.

Which brings us to Fourth of July weekend, 2009! At 8:45 PM Saturday night, police were flagged down by a woman claiming that another driver was stalking and harassing her. Guess who! Naw, I’ll tell you. Marion Barry.

Here’s the thing. Barry claims that all of his arrests over the years have been a result of racism. And you know what? He might be right. I don’t know a single black man who doesn’t get pulled over regularly for bullshit reasons. However, none of THOSE men are high profile drug addicted corrupt politicians known to almost always have crack cocaine in THEIR cars, so, there’s that.

My advice to you, Marion Barry: When you get caught doing stupid shit, then yell and scream that you were profiled by The Man, you don’t win any points for civil rights. You just win points for being a self-serving dumbass.

July 7, 2009 Posted by | Daily Whims, Doosh Watch 2009, News You May or May Not Use | , | 8 Comments

Perez Hilton: Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Lose one million twitter followersts-perez-hilton1

The Queen of Media weighed in on Michael Jackson’s heart attack before the general public knew he had died.

“Supposedly, the singer went into cardiac arrest. We are dubious!!

Jacko pulled a similar stunt when he was getting ready for his big HBO special in ’95 when he ‘collapsed’ at rehearsal!

Get your money back, Ticket Holders!!!”

You can read the entire post here.

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July 1, 2009 Posted by | Criminally Stupid, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , , | 4 Comments

Epic JAIL!

Madoff Given Maximum Sentence

Madoff attempts to answer the question "How much do you suck?" before realizing he didn't have the arms for it.

Madoff attempts to answer the question "How much do you suck?" before realizing he doesn't have the arms for it.

He’s going to prison, the big house, the pokey, the pen, the can, jail, up the river, the hoosegow! Applause broke out in the crowded Manhattan courtroom after U.S. District Judge Denny Chin issued the maximum sentence to Bernard Madoff, thief of billions and fleecer of masses.  Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison today after pleading guilty in March to securities fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, investment adviser fraud, three counts of money laundering, false statements, perjury, false filings with the SEC and theft from an employee benefit plan–the  haul from which totaled an estimated $65 billion dollars and harmed or destroyed the lives of at least 8,000 people (there are an estimated additional 1,300 victims who have yet to be identified).

For those thinking this seems like a harsh penalty for a white collar crime, consider this.  That’s a mere 1 year per each $433,333,333 stolen and 53.33 people swindled. Furthermore,  at least 2 suicides and one fatal heart attack have been attributed to his acts.  The widow of the man who died of a heart attack wrote the judge, asking for a fitting sentence.  That letter exemplifies the type of man Madoff is.

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June 29, 2009 Posted by | Afternoon FAIL!, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , , | 10 Comments

Do You Get it Now, Perez?

Even Matthew Shepard’s Family Dislike Perez Hilton

Perez Hilton stated on his blog that any proceeds he received from his suit against Black Eyed Peas’ road manager Polo Molina would be donated to the Matthew Shepard Foundation.  However,  the Matthew Shepard Foundation heard this and have publicly denounced Hilton and stated they don’t want his money.  It may be time for Hilton to examine his own role in these events, given this comes on the heels of GLAAD publicly shunning him.  Here’s the Matthew Shepard Foundation’s entire statement.  It’s long, but I’m not inserting a break for a jump because I think it deserves the page space. (Thanks to SeaKat for the tip.):

STATEMENT FROM MATTHEW SHEPARD FOUNDATION REGARDING PEREZHILTON.COM

The Matthew Shepard Foundation was surprised to learn this morning via media reports that blogger Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira) has announced he plans to donate, to our organization, the proceeds of a lawsuit he is contesting over an altercation which has been widely reported in recent days.

We had no advance notice or contact from Mr. Hilton or his representatives regarding this proposal, nor any communication since he posted this plan to his website.

We do not know the details of the lawsuit, whether it has been filed, the nature of his claims or the likely outcome. But because the lawsuit presumably involves the physical attack prompted by Mr. Hilton’s admitted use of an anti-gay slur, the Foundation will be unable to accept any funds obtained in such a manner.

We very much appreciate the generosity of the offer to support our continuing work to memorialize Matthew through activism in defense of sexual minorities and in favor of understanding, compassion, and acceptance. But because so much of our work involves education to reduce the use of hateful language against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered persons, or those so perceived, it would be inappropriate for us to benefit financially from circumstances in which such a verbal attack was involved.

While we applaud Mr. Hilton’s apology to the LGBT community and their loved ones for his use of such a slur, we also feel compelled to point out that use of epithets can often lead to physical violence, as it appears it may have in this case, and that the Matthew Shepard Foundation has worked for more than 10 years to bring to people’s attention the consequences of hateful or intolerant language.

Judy Shepard
Judy_Signiture
Chair, MSF Governing Board

I think this might officially answer stopthemadness’ question. Kudos to Judy Shepard for setting Perez straight so eloquently.

June 26, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , | Leave a comment