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Canada, It’s Time to Start Thinking on Your Feet

Really–it’s aboot time

for-next-severed-foot-postOkay, SERIOUSLY, what is going on with you, Canada? Why do you have a big “Who do these missing feet belong to?” mystery happening up there? Are there really so many people hopping around on one foot that you can’t sort out the ones who’ve misplaced their OTHER foot? And why aren’t those people coming forward and CLAIMING their misplaced feet? Are they too shy or embarrassed, like, “Oh, well, that foot’s probably the one I recently lost, but, well, our Mounties have more important things to worry aboot besides MY stupid missing right foot. It’ll probably come home soon, anyway. I put a bowl of food and a clean sock on the porch.”

I know y’all are polite, but COME ON. There are now FIVE right feet and one left foot that have just turned up–no note or nothing–along your shores, Canada. LOOK ALIVE, MOUNTIES! Get off your damned high horses and GET ON YOUR FEET! You’ve got a job to do, and that job is to FIND OUT WHO THESE MISSING FEET BELONG TO.

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August 6, 2009 - Posted by | Criminally Stupid, Culture Critic, News You May or May Not Use | , , , , , ,

20 Comments »

  1. I can’t believe this is still going on! I first read about that months ago. My dad only has one foot, I’m surprised he hasn’t claimed one of them.

    Comment by oilybohunk7 | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  2. Eeeww. This whole mystery utterly squigs me out in the first place, but the fact that it JUST KEEPS HAPPENING is making me want to hide.

    Besides, as a kid I totally believed that there was a foot stealing monster that lived under my bed. This proves it.

    Comment by Beth the Cat | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  3. Oh , Beth. Did you freak out if your foot creeped off the bed? It was ok during day time but when it was dark, that was a different story. I would dare myself to see how long I could let it hang there.

    And to Canada, would you care to borrow one Mister Vincent D’onofrio? If anybody can find a feet stealer it will be him. But you have to send him back directly to me. Just ignore his crazy talk about restraining orders. That’s just a joke between us.

    Comment by cookiebees | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  4. cookiebees~ Absolutely. If I woke and realized even one toe was hanging off…AAIIEEEEEE!! Then I would lie there, heart pounding, in a cold sweat, until I could convince myself that the monster had given up and gone away in disappointment.

    Comment by Beth the Cat | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  5. yes, but why the feet? If a hand or finger was over I didn’t get the chills. Maybe because you can bitch slap a monster with your hand. I’ve never heard of giving someone the bitch foot.

    Comment by cookiebees | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  6. Um, Sarah? Your cat has a foot fetish, right? Maybe he steals feet and Canada is the equivalent of batting them under the fridge for him? Keep an eye on him, that’s all I’m saying.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  7. but… he’s a GOOD boy… I’m telling you, he would NEVER! HE’S A GOOD BOY! Oh, I did everything I could to raise him right… I WANT TO SEE YOUR BADGE AND A WARRANT!

    Comment by Sarah | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  8. Another news story about Canada and one that happened in my city on TS. I feel super honoUred. 🙂

    I’m pretty sure they identified two of the feet as belonging to one murder victim and the others are still haven’t been identified. Also, the reason they have only found feet is because when a body is dumped into the ocean, it will sink and then eventually bloat up during decomposition as well as gasses forming in the decomposing body causing the limbs to fall off and as it turns out, feet tend to break off first and will float to the surface and wash up on shore. Here endeth the science lesson.

    In defense of the RCMP, it looks like the Vancouver Police are handling the cases. Yes, we have separate police forces…it’s all quite confusing. But lately, the VPD have been too busy trying to solve the 20 deaths caused by gang shootings that have occurred this year and probably don’t have time for random feet.

    Comment by rumoUr | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  9. dude you have canadian gangs?? awesome!

    there’s a joke in there somewhere… give me a minute

    Comment by lava | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  10. also anyone else see the x files movie? they are SO the discarded feet of canadian gay men.

    Comment by lava | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  11. VPD

    ::snickers::

    That’s as good as MFD. And I am amazed they haven’t made a whole new X-files movie just devoted to this. Sure, rumoUr, you can explain how we’re just finding feet right now but can you explain the 1,253 other bodies in the crashed “ship” just off the Canadian coast?

    Comment by Rev. Random | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  12. lava – you’ll love the name of some of them…like the U.N. Gang. And then there are these three brothers who are called the Bacon Brothers – no relation to Kevin Bacon. These brothers and their parents are a bunch of dooshey assholes.

    Anyways, here’s a wikipedia entry about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2009_Vancouver_gang_war

    And, I did see the X-Files movie but unfortunately don’t get the joke. It was a long time ago when I saw it.

    LOL…no I cannot Rev. Random.

    Comment by rumoUr | August 6, 2009 | Reply

  13. Dexter, you got some splainin’ to do!

    Comment by Helen Skor | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  14. Here we’d call them the Canadian Bacon Brothers

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  15. voices – So, does that mean that they’re related to John Hamm??

    Comment by SeaKat | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  16. I’m sure that I can connect the feets stealer to Kevin Bacon in 6 degrees or less. Hopefully he’s stolen feets close to Tom Cruise. It’s always easier when there’s a Tom Cruise connection.

    Comment by cookiebees | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  17. dayum rumoUr! that link is serious! as much as i’m not intimidated by dudes with a french accent i’ll respect their gansta after a shitload of killin folks.

    Comment by lava | August 7, 2009 | Reply

  18. Cookiebees, I can’t believe you are risking our darling Vincent’s gorgeous size thirteen feet by sending him up to Canada. Goodness knows what else they have a fetish for—bye the way, does anyone know where Lorena Bobbit is currently living? LOL

    Comment by Xeresa | August 8, 2009 | Reply

  19. For the record: I am now campaigning to put the term “bitch foot” into the Hag Lexicon.
    That is all.

    Comment by Sarah | August 11, 2009 | Reply

  20. seconded

    Comment by DonnaMartin | August 11, 2009 | Reply


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