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Cap’n Crunch Crisis

Cap’n Crunch, You sir, are a LIAR!ts-capn-crunchs-crunch-berries-cereal-box

Our beloved Cap’n Crunch is under attack, y’all.  “Great Odin’s raven!” you may be thinking.   “Who would do such a thing to America’s third most revered Captain (behind, of course, Captains Kangaroo and America)?

Well, some halfwit who calls herself  Janine Sugawara, hereinafter “Cap’n Dumbass” sued Quaker Oats for fraud, among other things.

Obviously not content to publicly shame one of our favorite Cap’ns, she has also set her sights on America’s favorite Quaker!


Best Quaker EVAR!

Best Quaker EVAR!


He'd like to talk to you about the 'beetus.


Cap’n Dumbass hauled Quaker Oats, the makers of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries into court alleging that she was mislead by Quaker Oats into believing that Crunchberry cereal contains actual fruit, and that after four years of shoving the incredibly painful cereal down her gaping maw (if you’ve ever eaten this shit, you know it’s like eating tiny delicious razor blades), she recently was dismayed–nay!–appalled to discover that the unnaturally bright pink, green, and purple balls of sugar and starch were not delicious juicy berries:


but, rather, sugar ball mouth-shredders:



Oh the horror, the horror.

I could go into some legal analysis about what her claims were, and what she argued, and what her dog ate for breakfast the day she decided to file suit, but let’s just skip all that and I’ll give you my ultimate legal opinion: SHE DUMB.

And so says the Court:

In this case . . . while the challenged packaging contains the word “berries” it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term “crunch.” This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a “crunchberry.” Furthermore, the “Crunchberries” depicted on the [box] are round, crunchy, brightly-colored cereal balls, and the [box] clearly states both that the Product contains “sweetened corn & oat cereal” and that the cereal is “enlarged to show texture.” Thus, a reasonable consumer would not be deceived into believing that the Product in the instant case contained a fruit that does not exist. . . . So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.

Well, I, for one, think we should all rise up against our Sugary Overlords and let them know we shall not be silenced!

First of all, “Cap’n” Crunch is a fraud.  My inside sources say he is not a captain, or even a “cap’n,” but that he only ever rose to the rank of private.  That’s right.  Cap’n Crunch is actually Private Crunch.  Suck on that.

Second, booberries:


are not real fruit.  Extensive research has found no “booberry” growing in the wild.

Same goes for frankenberries:



Also, I have it on good authority that Booberry:



is too high these days to inspire any real fright, and Frankenberry:




is a child molester.



June 8, 2009 - Posted by | Criminally Stupid, News You May or May Not Use | , , , , , , , ,


  1. I’ve learned long ago that those cereal corporations lie. Golden Grahams aren’t made out of gold at all, and Lucky Charms don’t get you lucky.

    Comment by Cristal Methodd | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  2. And do you know that Fudge Shoppe cookies aren’t made by elves in trees at all? Those bastards work in a factory, like regular food.

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  3. wait WHAT? what about froot loops? that’s real froot, isn’t it?

    how about berry berry kix? I mean it’s kid tested and mother approved for crap’s sakes! serious money went into that research! someone is going to answer for this!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  4. 1. Private Crunch? Sounds painful. Teehee. Ok, now that I got that out of the way…
    2. At least now I know why all those pots of Crunchberries I planted last year never came up. Dammit. I wasted three whole boxes on that shit.

    Comment by Roxydarling | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  5. My son always gets upset when I say we are having fruit, and I don’t mean FRUIT SNACKS. My son would much rather like this lady’s idea of fruit.
    STM you are correct – She DUMB!

    Comment by payter | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  6. I’m sad to say that soldiers pointing to years of eating Quaker Oats as evidence still had their “conscientious objector” status denied!! SUE!! SUE THEM ALL!!!

    Comment by SeaKat | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  7. I can’t belive I fed my children this liars faux fruit berries just this weekend. Where can I send my strongly worded letter any my lawsuit for a million dollars? I will not have this. TREACHERY.

    Comment by cookiebees | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  8. I would like to post a grievance. I disagree with this statement:

    “Who would do such a thing to America’s third most revered Captain (behind, of course, Captains Kangaroo and America)?”

    There is no way, and I know I’ll have support if I know the hags of this site at ALL, that Captian Morgan is not in the top three Captain’s. And I don’t care that he’s Puerto Rican, I vote him in for honorary US citizenship, if for nothing more sturdy than the amount of time he spends in my house.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  9. So, essentially, it’s a common-law marriage, right? 😉

    Comment by SeaKat | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  10. So you are telling me my fruity pebbles are not in fact fruit? Why would Fred and Barney lie to me?

    Comment by silent noodles | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  11. sn,

    I’m more upset that they’re not actually pebbles!! I bought a dag-gummed pallet of those at the super Kmart, cause we’re redoing our front yard and I wanted a gravel pathway, only in pretty colors, y’know?

    And now I’m hearing that it won’t last through the first rainstorm?? Well, I guess it explains all the birds landing in my yard, lately.

    Comment by SeaKat | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  12. please, silent noodles. have you seen the hot pieces they are married to? fred and barney are probably sex crazed and trying to get into your pants. trust me, you do not want to run into them at a bar after 1am. the pickup lines are embarrassing, and often involve references to said pebbles.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  13. booberries.

    Am I the only one reading that as Boob berries?

    Comment by TheHobo | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  14. I got a little captain in me.

    Comment by cookiebees | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  15. I do apologize. It was my belief that I was still bound by the law of the high seas not to speak Cap’n Morgan’s name aloud as stated in section 5, subparagraph a of Rum’s Law.

    Cappy is, after all, the rum that dare not speak its name.

    Comment by stopthemadness | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  16. (not to buzzkill the joke, b/c it was funny)…I thought Puerto Ricans are US citizens?

    Comment by shu_shu | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  17. I had a little Captain in me too, but then he just rolled over and fell asleep. It was a wholly unfulfilling experience.

    Comment by Helen Skor | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  18. Oh, so they don’t count as one of the two to three servings of fruit you’re supposed to have per day? I guess that explains all those cavities.

    I thought that too, shu_shu.

    Comment by rumoUr | June 8, 2009 | Reply

  19. I’m still confused about servings of froot.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  20. shu_shu, that is an excellent point.

    SeaKat, he’s just the “sancho”. 🙂 Unless immigration picks up the Mexican; he SAYS he was born here, but it would explain why he was never home when he was trying to deport the Capt…

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | June 9, 2009 | Reply

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