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Canada, It’s Time to Start Thinking on Your Feet

Really–it’s aboot time

for-next-severed-foot-postOkay, SERIOUSLY, what is going on with you, Canada? Why do you have a big “Who do these missing feet belong to?” mystery happening up there? Are there really so many people hopping around on one foot that you can’t sort out the ones who’ve misplaced their OTHER foot? And why aren’t those people coming forward and CLAIMING their misplaced feet? Are they too shy or embarrassed, like, “Oh, well, that foot’s probably the one I recently lost, but, well, our Mounties have more important things to worry aboot besides MY stupid missing right foot. It’ll probably come home soon, anyway. I put a bowl of food and a clean sock on the porch.”

I know y’all are polite, but COME ON. There are now FIVE right feet and one left foot that have just turned up–no note or nothing–along your shores, Canada. LOOK ALIVE, MOUNTIES! Get off your damned high horses and GET ON YOUR FEET! You’ve got a job to do, and that job is to FIND OUT WHO THESE MISSING FEET BELONG TO.

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August 6, 2009 Posted by | Criminally Stupid, Culture Critic, News You May or May Not Use | , , , , , , | 20 Comments

ALL BABIES TO THE BURGER KING PARKING LOT!

It’s time to rumble…

492770538_cb7c7d4f9eSome megalomaniacal manager of a Missouri Burger King decided it was time for infants to respect his authoritah.

When a mother with a barefoot 6-month-old showed up on his watch, he promptly told her to remove her germ spreading crumb snatcher or he was calling the cops. That baby should have stuck her fungus ridden little foot right in his mouth breathing pie hole.

Apparently he was following the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy to the letter. It’s nice enough for a public service policy, right? I only see one tiny loophole. It doesn’t say anything about “no diaper.” HA!

I think all the local babies should unite, put on just a t-shirt and some shoes, and show up there demanding service. I believe we could even go global with this protest. We could call it, “Bare Your Bottoms For Babies’ Rights.”

Maybe Burger King will have to change its policy to “No shirt, no shoes, no diaper, no service.” Unless people beyond toddler stage are willing to don a diaper in support of baby solidarity, it would limit their patrons to babies, seniors and Michelle Duggar.

I really don’t see a down side to this plan.

August 6, 2009 Posted by | Doosh Watch 2009, News You May or May Not Use | , , , , | 5 Comments

Radio Shack: Rebranding Fail

Their “Friends” Call Them The Shack ts-the-shack

So in the stupidest PR move since New Coke, Radio Shack is rebranding itself as “The Shack.”  Seriously Radio Shack?  No one wants to shop at the friggin’ Shack.  It sounds like a place where you buy cheap crap… oh wait… Radio Shack is the place where you by cheap crap.  (Hey, I ain’t judgin’… I’ve bought plenty of cheap crap from Radio Shack.)

And what’s with this “Our friends call us The Shack” business?  As Squeer! justinsloe said to me:  “Who the fuck is friends with Radio Shack?”

Besides, Radio Shack is, like, the worst shack ever.  Certainly worse than the Love Shack:

Oh, Radio Shack.

You should change your slogan to “Radio Shack: More Irrelevant than France.”  I think Mae would approve.

Source.

(Thanks to justinsloe for the tip!)

August 6, 2009 Posted by | Culture Critic | , , , , | 15 Comments

RIP, Nano-Boo

Noooo…..

22515211703ea232108mts9Everyone knows Steve Jobs owns me–and my soul. Well, the other day not only did I die a little inside, I also lost a little piece of my soul. My Nano died. (Not to be confused with Nana. She was old and we saw it coming.) I turned on my iPod, and there was that horrible picture: the iPod with crossed out eyes. I had read rumoUrs of this on Apple websites. I never believed it would actually happen to me!

I was so traumatized I had to call one of those hotlines. We hashed it out. Yes, she was 3 years old and her insides were starting to rust from all the sweating I do while running, but she seemed so young.

This has caused me such mental distress, I think I should sue for the price of a new Nano. Steve Jobs did not keep his promises! I don’t remember exactly what they were right now, but I’m sure they were something along the lines of “may your Nano live forever.”

I also believe there is some sort of conspiracy theory going on here. My iPod died the same week the new iPhones came out!!! What are the chances???!!! So, not only did I HAVE to buy a new iPod, I also HAD to buy a new phone. There is definitely shenanigans AND hijinks afoot here. I’m going to have to meet somebody in the Applebee’s parking lot about this.

And now that I’ve had time to think this through, I might just sue my owner for the price of the phone. That will show him who’s owned!

August 5, 2009 Posted by | Daily Whims, Keepin' it in the Ballyhood | , , , | 15 Comments

Hump Day Time Wasters

Time to stick it to the boss

This week I’m giving you a variety of things to while away the work day, three of which are games. Two games are simple time wasters and one is a black hole of time suck, so you were warned.

First up, one of the mindless games.  It comes from adultswim.com. This game is not for cat lovers. It’s a little game called Meowcenaries. The evil black cat has kidnapped the President and it’s up to you to lead you kitty commandos in to battle to rescue him. Its simple controls for movement, and you click the mouse button to fire.

The other mindless time waster is also from adultswim.com, and is a game called Zombie Hooker Nightmare. It’s up to you to save the John’s from the undead hookers and make a

Now for the hard one. Don’t blame me if you get annoyed/addicted to this one, blame TheHobo. She turned me lose on it last week and I’ve been playing on and off ever since. This is a great game if you like puzzles. It’s called 3D Logic.

In case that didn’t kill enough time.  Here’ a few more tidbits:

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August 5, 2009 Posted by | Hump Day Time Wasters | , , , , | 3 Comments

“I’m a Rock Star, I’m Not a Feminist!”

You’d better duck, Lady Gaga. My vagina is in a throwing mood.

NOW WITH MORE VIDEO GOODNESS!

lady-gaga1Oh, Lady Gaga, you have narrowly avoided my vagina’s wrath (Why? Because I like sex, and I like booze, and I like a catchy tune), that is, you’ve avoided it UNTIL NOW. I was hoping against hope that, as an arteest (who claims to loves ze gays in a non-demeaning way BUT NOW I WONDER ABOUT THAT, TOO) you would be on MY side, and by that, I mean on the side of women, AKA, uh, you! Have you forgotten that on the arm of every gay man with a ticket to your show there are THREE women?

I understand that the term “feminism” has been weirdly muddled by people who don’t understand what feminism is, but while I ain’t no Vassar scholar, I think I can at LEAST explain that feminism= EQUALISM. For instance, how ’bout getting equal pay for equal work? How ’bout NOT being treated like you can’t speak for yourself in ANY situation (E.g., bill-paying, restaurant situations, bank heists). Lady Gaga, you’re newly rich AND you’re young–I understand that, right now, you don’t HAVE to understand the world the rest of us live in, but you DO have to appeal to your weird, possibly methamphetamine addicted public to sell your kind-of-okay-but-not-really records. And they are mostly, weirdly, women, despite your “Gays Only!” policy.

So here’s the moral: don’t bite the methamphetamine-addicted hand that feeds you, because that hand will die young and toothless and stop paying for your records (because they’re dead), and then you won’t get fed.

Video after the jump.

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August 5, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Sarah's Vagina Wants to Throw Stuff | , , , | 22 Comments

Katy Perry Won’t Be Kissing Jill Sobule Anytime Soon

“Fuck you, Katy Perry.”

jill4blogJill Sobule has finally weighed in on Katy Perry jacking her song title.

“As a musician I have always refrained from criticizing another artist. I was, ‘Well, good for her.’ It did bug me a little bit, however, when she said she came up with the idea for the title in a dream. In truth, she wrote it with a team of professional writers and was signed by the very same guy that signed me in 1995. I have not mentioned that in interviews as I don’t want to sound bitter or petty, because that’s not me. Okay, maybe, if I really think about it, there were a few jealous and pissed off moments.”

“When her version came out I started getting tons of inquiries about what I thought. Some folks were angry and wondered why she took my title and made it into this kind of ‘girls gone wild’ thing. Others, including my mother, were excited because they thought I would somehow make some money out of it. Unfortunately you can’t copyright a title… bummer,” Jill continued, before furiously adding, “So here goes, for the first time in an interview… Fuck you Katy Perry, you fucking stupid, maybe ‘not good for the gays’, title thieving, haven’t heard much else, so not quite sure if you’re talented, fucking little slut.”

Well said Jill. I’m sure Katy doesn’t care what Jill Sobule thinks about this. If she did care she would have at the very least, given some sort of nod to Jill’s version of I Kissed a Girl when she was out promoting it. Instead Katy chose to pass it off as an original idea and hope people had forgotten Jill Sobule’s song.

I’ve been a big Jill Sobule fan since the 1990s. She is a great musician and an incredible song writer. If you only know her from I Kissed a Girl, take some time on youtube and check out some of her other songs. Here are a few to tempt you.

A happy song about global warming.

San Francisco – video by Margaret Cho

Long after Katy Perry is out of the music business and working at Hooters, having been replaced by the next young pop star to come along, Jill will still be making music and playing clubs. Longevity is the best revenge.

August 5, 2009 Posted by | Culture Critic, Daily Whims, People We Love | , , | 15 Comments

Fact or Feces: Answer

There are so many bags of crap being set aflame on the front porch of knowledge that we at Thundersquee! felt like it was time to do something about it. We were all ready to put on our boots and get to stompin’ when we realized it would be more fun to let our Squeers! do it. So, we pass the boots on to you. Be careful though, not all the nuggets contained within are composed of fecal matter–some are golden nuggets of truth and only you can decide which is which.

And remember, no cheating. The only thing cheaters will win is the swift brick of justice.

Here’s this week’s challenge:


[poll id=”56″]

ANSWER: Yep, true story!

August 4, 2009 Posted by | Fact or Feces | , | 3 Comments

Assault With Shoe

Not in the Applebee’s parking lotjason

Jason Wahler got to sleep off his booze haze in jail on Friday night because he was acting like a fool. Mr. Wahler had a little to much of the good stuff and started getting all rowdy so the bouncers decided it was time for him to leave. Drunk people don’t like being asked to leave the party, this is a fact. Jason got ten shades of pissed off so he went back only to be tossed out by the bouncers a second time. As drunken rage set in Wahler decided it was time to resort to more drastic measures, he threw his shoes at the bar. Around this time, the cops rolled in and played the “let’s take the drunk asshole to jail” game. Drunk people are funny but at times they are assholes.

August 4, 2009 Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans | , , , , | 2 Comments

Kid Doesn’t Want to Go to Church

So he steals a car

I admire his commitment to getting out of church, I felt the same way when I was a kid. You know the people at the church will never let him forget this. I bet next weeks sermon is the Ten Commandments, focusing on number eight, Thou Shalt not Steal.


August 4, 2009 Posted by | Criminally Stupid, Found on the Internet | , | 15 Comments