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Russell Brand Turned Down Sex with Lindsay Lohan

Repent! The End is Nigh!!!

russellbrandbwheadshotBack on July fourth, Lilo and Russell Brand were both at a Fourth of July party thrown by Diddy and Ashton Kutcher. It seems Lindsay was on her own for the night and was struck by a passing craving for man meat. Enter Russell Brand, a man who will sleep with anything that has a warm wet hole, and the warm and the wet parts are often optional. Lindsay made her move, but according to The Sun, Russell was having none of Samantha Ronson’s sloppy seconds.

Lindsay is a very good-looking girl and she is used to getting what she wants. Russell has been on her radar for a while now but he doesn’t want anything to do with her. He finds her constant craving for attention and her heavy drinking a turn-off. It’s not like he is short of female attention anyway.

If that isn’t a sign of the end of days I don’t know what is. Look up man-whore in the dictionary and you will see a picture of Russell Brand in the description. The guy has nailed so many of his fans he’s practically a master carpenter.

Let me put this in prospective for you. Russell Brand turning down sex is like Amy Winehouse turning down a free eight ball. It’s like Rosie O’Donnell going into a Nine West store and treating the employees like they’re real people, not serfs. It’s like Heidi and Spencer seeing a group of paparazzi in front of a club and deciding to sneak in the back door. In other words, it’s unheard of.

Russell is so horny that if you locked him in a room with a copy of Redbook and a rubber glove full of jelly, he’d be dick deep in Smuckers before he got to page 30.

It’s a sad day in Hollywood when Lilo can’t even give it away. I guess it could have been worse. I could have been Gallagher.


July 20, 2009 - Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans | , ,


  1. HAAAAhahahahahahahaha! lurrrrve it.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  2. Isn’t it well known that Russell Brand is a sex addict? To be turned down by a man who had to go to rehab for sex addiction is pretty bad. Just sayin’.

    Comment by blah | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  3. Maybe his rehab is working…

    Maybe she should work on hers.

    Comment by TheHobo | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  4. I think we may have narrowly avoided the creation of a supervirus…a crotch eating supervirus…with stupid hair…

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  5. You mean…

    ::scary music::

    Whore Flu?

    Comment by SeaKat | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  6. SeaKat: hahahahaha Whorepes. Whorepatitis C.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  7. Both with stupid hair

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | July 20, 2009 | Reply


    Oh, that’s BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL!!

    Comment by SeaKat | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  9. If we go old school, the Whorey Flux? Whoresumption? Whorefluenza?

    Comment by HolyChow | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  10. HC: hahaha, hilarious. Gonwhorea? Impwhoretigo? Holio…

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  11. Holio! Classic.

    Comment by HolyChow | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  12. Tubewhoreculosis



    Comment by SeaKat | July 21, 2009 | Reply

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