uncollectedminds

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A Word from Mae

French Edition

As a follow up to Deimos’ popular “French people are asked to smile” post, I thought I would clarify things for everyone as to why the French (namely Parisians) are notoriously dickish and universally hated.

(Note: None of these can be confirmed nor denied, but is anyone really going to tell me otherwise? 🙂 )

1. France is still pissed off because they have been irrelevant since 1940.

france

2. They are upset about always eating raw food. Steak Tartarè, anyone?

2b) They are all hungry.

3. They all have giant migraines from the intermingling scents of 11 million whore baths and stale cigarettes.
4. They have never gotten over that “Let them eat cake” thing.

mariecake

5. Constantly stepping in or around dog feces would make even the Dalai Lama or Jimmy Carter irritable.

dogpoop
6. Because the store Parisian sucks, and it’s attached to their name.
7. They’re sick of fries being called “French Fries” when they were invented in Belgium, a notoriously nice country.
8. The ménage a trois was a bad idea. (A married couple and a lover living in perfect harmony? My ass.)
9. Peugeots are pieces of shit. True Story.
10. They’re jealous of England because they’re known as England’s wine and tobacco shop.
11. Corsets.
12. Their military is about as intimidating as the Canadians’ (and still grumpy about the Brits and Americans having to save their asses in WWII).
13. The French moustache.

frenchmoustache
14. Mimes.
15. Because an American owns the Tour de France.

There you have it, 15 reasons to help you better understand why the French are so bitter. Give them a break, it’s not like they can defend themselves.

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July 20, 2009 - Posted by | A Word from Mae, Wistful Lists | ,

18 Comments »

  1. “Give them a break, it’s not like they can defend themselves.”

    HAHAHAHAHAhahahha!!!

    Comment by SeaKat | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  2. brilliant. that last line sealed it.

    Comment by DonnaMartin | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  3. Two words: Maginot. Line.

    Comment by Cait | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  4. I can’t believe I forgot to mention that, Cait. I would almost assume Belgium was probably like “Thanks a lot, Assholes!”

    Comment by Mae | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  5. Hey! I thought this was supposed to be a post about the French, so why do you have to slag off Canadians, eh? Mae, it is so on, like Donkey Kong! 😛

    I am grabbing my bag of “U’s” and doling out my list:

    1) Canadian military is awesome!
    Exhibit A: The Netherlands threw a parade for our Canadian
    Vets to mark the 60th anniversary when the Canadian troops
    who were stationed there in WWII liberated them.
    Exhibit B: Canadian soldiers played a role in liberating
    France and Italy too in WWII.
    Exhibit C: Canadian Lieutenant-General Romeo Dallaire tried
    to stop the genocide that was being waged against Rwandans
    even after the world (including the U.S.) turned their backs
    on the genocide.
    Exhibit D: We told Bush to piss off when he asked us to join
    them to invade Iraq.
    Exhibit E: You can be gay in the military and nobody
    cares. Heck, gay soldiers have even marched in Pride
    Parades in both Toronto and Vancouver.

    2) People think we’re nice, but we’ve got them fooled. We are so bad ass that we club baby seals and burned down the White House in 1814, not on the same day of course. (Side note: technically, it was the British who burned down the White House because we did not become an official country until 1867).

    3) Maple syrup.

    4) Back bacon.

    5) Tim Horton’s.

    6) Hockey.

    7) We are so cultured and the citizens so smart that we have two official languages. Just go up to any of us and say “Veux-tu coucher avex moi?”

    8) Universal healthcare coverage!

    9) If you have a baby, you can take a ONE YEAR PAID maternity leave from work. And you can split the time with your spouse, who can take a paid paternity leave.

    10) Poutine!

    11) Canadian tourists are very well liked. So much so, that Americans are known to pose as Canadians while travelling.

    12) Belgiums are racist. I know this has nothing to do with Canada, but I went out to dinner with this guy who grew up in Belgium and he says it’s super racist and not so awesome.

    13) We have more than two political parties to choose from during elections.

    14) We’ve had a female Prime Minister.

    15) Canadian beer!

    There you have it! 15 reasons why Canada is so awesome.

    Comment by rumoUr | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  6. Although one of my favoUrite things in life is drinking an ice cold Molson while watcing the Red Wings scarfing Fries smothered in gravy and cheese curds, I have to say Mae is right on the intimidation factor of the Canadian military. When I was in Iraq, Canadians were seen as open minded friendly people which is a great thing.Intimidating isn’t even in the top ten.

    Comment by drgnsldr | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  7. rumoUr, you just gave me my idea for my next post. 🙂

    Comment by Mae | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  8. THAT’S IT. I’m movin’ to Canada. Partly because of what RumoUr just said, and partly because I’ve got all these damned Canadian quarters and dimes from when I lived in Maine that I can’t use here in Virginny.

    Comment by Sarah | July 20, 2009 | Reply

  9. rumoUr, you forgot about lower legal drinking ages. That was always my favorite part about Canada.

    Comment by Cristal Methodd | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  10. that was my least favourite part about canada.

    Comment by Mae | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  11. I like Canada except that they like to export the crappiest representatives to our country.

    1. Pam Anderson
    2. Mike Myers
    3. Dave Coulier
    4. Celine Dion

    The list goes on and on, I am fed up with Canada giving us thier sloppy seconds! You can keep your ship-sinking music and your fake-boobed vegan porn stars and cram them in your poutine my good sir!

    🙂

    Comment by blah | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  12. “cram them in your poutine my good sir!”
    Well, that’s GOLD, Jerry!

    Comment by Sarah | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  13. Drgnsldr – Okay, so maybe we’re not intimidating compared to the US military, but I’m glad to hear you liked us.

    Sarah – you are totally welcome in Canada. Bring all your spare
    change.

    Cristal Method – D’oh! I can’t believe I forgot that.

    lmao blah! You have discovered our secret weapon. Exporting crappy Canadians.

    Mae – have you tried the west coast of Canada?

    Comment by rumoUr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  14. The Tragically Hip should also be included as a Canadian musical gift to the world

    Comment by drgnsldr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  15. All I can say about the Vancouver area is that it’s pretty unfair for an urban area to be that nice and have gorgeous countryside outside of it. This must make it a negative because it means they are hogging a whole lot of lovely.

    Fuck you, Vancouver! 😉

    Comment by Lily the Pink | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  16. B.C. drivers suck. They suck hard. They suck so hard that when they get out of the car there’s a little popping noise from the vacuum seal being released.

    Comment by SeaKat | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  17. This makes me feel better. I have a friend who lives there and he always taunts me with photos of its beauty.

    Comment by Lily the Pink | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  18. Tell him you know his city’s dirty little secret.

    Polite, reserved Canadians? Not behind the wheel, my friend.

    Comment by SeaKat | July 21, 2009 | Reply


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