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Los Angeles Lakers Win the NBA Championship

Whassat?  Who won what now?

TS-LakersThe Lakers are OK, I guess.  They beat the Magic.  I didn’t watch it, but I found out all I needed to know by following THE_REAL_SHAQ’s tweets.  He’s twitterlarious.

“But STM,” you might be saying.  “You live in Los Angeles!” Yeah, I do, but I don’t really care a whole lot about the NBA.  Never have.   But I’m certainly not opposed to some rioting after a good college game.  Hell, when UVA beat Duke in a basketball conference game my second year of law school, which would have been the 1999 season, if my math is correct (which it almost never is), I had a friend who ripped of his shirt and ran off screaming into the night.  We don’t really know what happened to him after that.

So, after the Lakers won, motherfuckers, predictably, started to riot.  Here in LA, we loves us some riotin’.  A party ain’t a party until the 5.0 shows up and start tasin’ peoples’ asses.  After the Rodney King shenanigans, the LAPD have been on maximum alert, its collective finger on the button, ready to let loose the SWAT teams if they suspect that a situation might turn into a riot:

  • Gay folk protesting Proposition 8 in front of the Mormon church?  Assume strike positions.
  • A Day Without Immigrants?  Thousands of Mexican and other Latin people taking to the streets across the nation–New York, Washington, D.C., Las Vegas,  Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Georgia; Denver, Phoenix, Milwaukee, and, New Orleans–to rally and shout stuff in Spanish–stuff we can’t even understand man?  Assume strike positions.
  • Little Maya Whatsher-ArabName is walking from the candystore and wearing a hijab  (headcover) while holding something that looks like one of those Super Jawbreakers, but could feasibly be a bomb?  Assume strike positions.

So of course LAPD assumed strike positions after the Lakers won.  They knew what was up:

Los Angeles police declared an unlawful assembly after some crowds celebrating the Los Angeles Lakers’ championship win got out of control at Staples Center, partying in the streets and even walking onto the 110 Freeway.

SWAT and riot units blocked off entrance to local freeways and arrested at least four people after fans’ celebrations began turning into near riots, with bottles and fireworks being thrown at police.

Celebratory crowds swelled into the thousands, tearing up landscaping, shouting at passers-by, blocking traffic, trying to turn over cars and starting fires before police began cracking down, issuing tickets, confiscating liquor and separating large groups.

You know, the first thing that I like to do when something good happens is go turn over a car and then blow it up.  I mean, have you ever burned a car before?  An overwhelming sense of power and invincibility, which can only be described as “bad-assery,” overcomes you as you wonder whether or not you will have the strength to turn over the car, but then when you do—oh my Cruise, when you do turn that car over?  It’s pyromania time, bitches.

I just grab my canister of gasoline (just in case there’s not enough gas in the tank to cause an explosion of epic proportions) and  douse the entire car in gasoline before I take out a match and a cigarette, turn around, light the cigarette, take a drag, and throw the lit cigarette behind me.  And then?   I walk away in slo-mo while the car fucking explodes behind me–100% pure adrenaline, man!  I don’t turn back; no I don’t do that.  Because I’m that bad ass.

Wait, so what were we talking about?  Oh yeah, the Lakers won and had a mini riot and then they’re going to have a parade that they can’t pay for because California is broke, son.  But whatevs.  Nothing makes sense anymore.  Next stop?  The Twilight Zone.


June 15, 2009 - Posted by | Daily Whims, News You May or May Not Use | , , , , , ,


  1. I lived one block away from Fenway park during the first Red Sox World Series victory. The fans lit the car that was parked outside my window on fire. Between that explosion, the army of black clad SWAT, and the swarms in the streets launching glass bottles and jumping on the non-burning vehicles, I can honestly say I thought my building had died and been transported to Hell.

    Yes, it was quite a rush.

    Comment by Stay, see? | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  2. i just read that the Laker parade is going to cost ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

    seriously? there’s a 24B deficit in California and these fools want to have a parade?


    Comment by stopthemadness | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  3. The Gay people put on a parade and got SPONSORS for it. You can’t tell me Nike or someone can’t food the bill for the Lakers.

    Comment by TheHobo | June 17, 2009 | Reply

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