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Guy with Eyeblack

Five sport-type things you may want to know

ricoEver get tired of this whole sports thing? I do. Sometimes I want to hit myself in the head with a shovel (or let a Nebraska fan do it after they’ve read my article today).

Things like this stupid Brett Favre story that won’t disappear really tick me off. Then you see the hijinks going on down at Florida and the crappiness of the NBA Finals, and well, it’s easy to swear off the whole mess.

But that would be too easy. For now, I’m sticking with it.

Here are the five sport-type things you may want to know this week.

1. Brett Favre will never, ever go away – I just watched Wall-E last night. Good flick, but I couldn’t help thinking that something was missing. Pixar is usually pretty on the ball, but in their vision of an uninhabitable wasteland, nearly devoid of all life, they probably missed the boat a little bit. They had the cockroach and the Twinkies, so they were certainly off to a good start, but what about Brett Favre? Dude is like a case of teh herpes (or so I’ve heard anyway) … he just keeps coming back.

I wondered why he wasn’t running around through the desert trying to throw footballs like Uncle Rico, begging to share stories of the good old days.

“I bet I could throw a football over them mountains. Give me a contract and a starting spot.”

Ah Favre. Is it any surprise you’re back in the news? Actually, let’s be honest, he never left the news. He will never leave the news. This man makes Paris Hilton look unassuming and demure, and yet TV-color-commentator/clown-for-hire Jamie Dukes called Favre a victim this week.

Like the Nazis being confronted with the presence of God in The Raiders of the Lost Ark, my brain is beginning to melt.

Can anyone explain to me the thought process that goes into calling Favre a victim here? He’s a victim because the press keeps talking about him? Because his former employer thought he was old? Because the world doesn’t revolve around him? Because he’s a multimillionaire who gets to (still) play football for a living?

Please go away sir, before I feel even more inclined to punch you in the ear.

2. Pay attention to the hockey game tonight … seriously – As I watched the closing moments of the Penguins’ Game 6 victory the other night (forcing a winner-take-all contest with the Detroit Red Wings tonight), I realized I wasn’t paying enough attention to what is turning into a truly classic series.

On one side of the ice, you’ve got the sport’s dominant team with four championships over the last 12 years in Detroit. On the other, you’ve got star-studded Pittsburgh, which has arguably the largest following of any team in the league that hasn’t won a title in 17 years. The Pens can thank signature players Mario Lemieux and Sidney Crosby for that, methinks. Regardless, these are two high-profile teams.

The Pens and Wings squared off in the Stanley Cup Finals last year, and Detroit waltzed away with the thing in six games. Now, a year later, we’re in Game 7, and the contests have been epic.

In other words, even the casual sports fan should probably check tonight’s game out (8 p.m. ET on NBC). It looks like a dandy.

(Editor’s note: You should have watched.  NFL Guy was correct, but didn’t know we don’t publish on weekends. Our bad.  Sorry, NFL Guy. The Penguins won, by the way. Sorry, Mae.)

3. Magically vomit-inducing – When the Cavaliers peed down their leg two weeks ago against the Orlando Magic, they did more than embarrass the City of Cleveland once again. They also set up the most boring NBA Finals matchup in recent memory.

Were the Lakers ever not going to win this series?

Exactly.

I think I’ve watched about two minutes of this series in total, and those are two minutes I’d like back. In fact, the only noteworthy play in this turd burrito of a championship series has been the Magic screwing up. Other than that, it’s been entirely by the book, with the Lakers efficiently taking care of business. Cool, efficient … and boring.

I’m hoping for Puppet Kobe to make an appearance on the court in Game 5, if only to liven things up some.

4. Florida wants you to look the other way – Showing the same restraint and accountability of your typical Bridezilla, the University of Florida is still making excuses for its football team’s impeccable 24 arrests since 2005. Klassy.

Why is this a story now? Think the media is just picking on the poor Gators? Well, consider this: The Cincinnati Bengals, the professional sports team most associated with off-field trouble, continual arrest problems and general ass-baggery, has had just 11 players arrested in the same time period.

11 vs. 24. You want to tell me Florida doesn’t deserve some kind of award for this?

Anyway, Urban Meyer has his guys in the P.R. department breaking down the statistics on the arrests and firing off press releases to try to justify them. Of course when you run around saying things like this, I can understand why you’d want to cover your own behind.

The statement “top one percent of one percent” should now have as much infamy (and inspire as many chuckles) as this classic from “The Hangover”:

“I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”

Oh Meyer, you cad you.

5. It’s the time of year people actually want to go to Omaha – College baseball kicks into high gear this weekend with the College World Series in Omaha, Nebraska. And while there figure to be some wonderful games and pageantry and such in the coming days, I am still a little perplexed as to how Omaha became a Mecca for college baseball fans in the first place.

The convention & vistors bureau website didn’t really clear matters up.

So I thought as a Midwesterner myself, I’d be uniquely positioned to offer some suggestions for folks making the trip (or thinking of doing so sometime in the future).

Enjoy!

A. Don’t criticize Tom Osborne, especially to bring up Lawrence Phillips. Your average Nebraskan is a Cornhusker fan with a long memory, and touching on these topics is liable to cause his or her fatigued-from-boredom mind to snap. You do not want to be tractored to death.

B. Do not talk about boredom or tractors or other Midwestern farmer stereotypes. Your common Nebraskan is college-educated (the University of Nebraska still counts) and will take offense to being lumped in with your average everyday hayseed. Speak to them like they are elite hayseeds and you will be fine.

C. Do not be of another race or nationality or you will frighten them.

D. Compliment their “Runzas” and other indigenous, inedible foods. It’s only polite.

Until next time folks!

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June 15, 2009 - Posted by | Guy with Eyeblack | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

9 Comments »

  1. The Penguins won the Stanley Cup during game 7 last Friday. Don’t forget 11 Stanley Cups total! *cries crocodile tears, whilst cursing Pittsburgh and then commits suicide*

    Comment by Mae | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  2. Thank you for turning the knife in my heart one last time. Damn you all for not posting on weekends! May the schedule down in flames!

    Comment by Mae | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  3. Speaking of arrests and Florida, what ever happened to Donte` Stallworth? Has he been convicted yet?

    Comment by Mae | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  4. Oh Mae, I’m with you. I’m so with you. I went positively apeshit on Friday. I’m still not over it, the pain is so fresh and raw. I may not ever be over it.

    Comment by oilybohunk7 | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  5. As a Green Bay fan, I am so irritated with Favre. He had such a good run in Green Bay, was a legend, if not a god in the state. Now that is ruined. He plays for the Vikings and every little bit of his legend dies. What a idiot.
    Play for the frickin’ Vikings and I swear no one in the state of Wisconsin (except for my husband’s cousin who cheers for the Vikings to spite her fam, and maybe a few others) will ever remember his years of service to the Pack. Just to get back at someone. Smart move.

    Comment by payter | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  6. oilybohunk, i had the pleasure of being in pittsburgh on saturday and sunday for the tigers game. It was heartbreaking. After the game on saturday we went back to the southside where our friend’s lived and the pens were having their party above one of the bars and hanging the cup out the window and spraying champagne at the crowd. i wanted to throw a bottle at them.

    Comment by Mae | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  7. Sorry Mae, but you can at least take comfort in the fact that:

    A. Detroit wins a crapton of championships anyways.
    B. It was a wonderful series, regardless of eventual winner.
    C. They still have to live in Pittsburgh.

    Comment by NFL Guy | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  8. ok guy with eyeblack, i’m glad someone said that about favre. as you well know my knowledge of professional sports is peripheral and i’ve been less than attentive over the years… but i’ve been hearing about brett favre since i was in jr. high, and with the physical nature of his career i’m always shocked when i keep hearing his name – i always think, isn’t he too old to play yet? or to be any good? hasn’t a hot young thing edged him out by now?

    actually now i’m not even sure – is he still playing?

    Comment by baby fish mouth | June 15, 2009 | Reply

  9. Oh Mae, that would have killed me. I am so sorry that you had to endure that. I was watching the game with my friend and when the clock ticked down I yelled at her to change it and stormed out of the room. I weep for Marian Hossa.

    Comment by oilybohunk7 | June 15, 2009 | Reply


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