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Angry Black Lady Chronicles

I Love my iPhone More than My Principles

ts-feminismAs y’all well know by now, Angry Black Lady is a communist pinko social librul terrorist sympathizer.  She likes hanging out with Puerto Mexicans, (wouldn’t mind if we put one on the Supreme Court), and she thinks Obama is, more or less, the bee’s messiah.

Most of my views, as I relayed in a recent installment of Angry Black Lady Chronicles, stem from my upbringing, including my mom who saw her parents struggle to put food on the table in the 1950s after Joe McCarthy and his band of fuckwits, decided that my grandpa was a Commie and was no longer fit to serve as a teacher in the Philadelphia School District.  So yeah.  I relish sticking it to “the man,” whomever “the man” happens to be at any given time.

So when I tell you that I think Dick Cheney is a doosh, you’ll understand that this a grievous understatement; but hey, mom might be reading this, and I wouldn’t want her to read that I think he’s a lying, megalomaniacal, sack of crap, a sack that I would gladly step on with my bare foot, after which I would gladly wander the earth for the rest of my days with Dick Cheney Crap squishing between my toes, if to do so would mean never having to hear him bloviate about how torture works, or how Obama has made us less safe, or how there was to, yes-huh, a link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11.

Hell, I’d wear a bag of Dick Cheney Crap affixed to my face like a horse with a feed bag if only he would just STFU already.

ts-feedbag-1


So, before this morning, I thought there was little I wouldn’t do to make sure Dick Cheney gets his.  I’m not sure what “getting his” would entail, but given that I think he’s a worthless piece of shit, I reckon  “getting his” would include being strapped to a chair with his eyes pinned open with nothing on the TV but reruns of The Hills.  Hell, maybe he should be forced to work as a live-in personal assistant to the King and Queen of Doosh themselves (Heidi and Spencer Pratt).  Or, maybe he should be forced to endure Perez Hilton following him around every second of every day, white pen in hand, ready to draw stupid shit on Cheney’s face:

ts-perez-cheney

Maybe if all that stuff happens, Dick Cheney will  “get his.”

But this morning, dear Squeers!, I received an email entitled “Dick Cheney called… he wants his empire back” from The Nation Magazine (a progressive pinko librul rag that I read) which said the following:

Dear Nation Reader,

Did you know that AT&T contributed the legal maximum to the Bush-Cheney campaign, twice? I didn’t. But I do know that there’s a cell phone company that shares your progressive values, and I’m hoping if you’re not already a Credo Mobile customer that you’ll quickly become one by following the links below.

All best,
Peter Rothberg
The Nation

ts-credo

(Click image for larger view)


The email went on to question whether I would support Dick Cheney for President and that–ZOMG!–AT&T probably would, and wouldn’t it be great if I switched to Credo Mobile, a progressive phone company which, unlike AT&T and Verizon, supports:

  • An end to the war (War! What is it good for?)
  • An end to global warming (It’s definitely gettin’ hot in hurr!)
  • The protection of a woman’s right to choose (I love choices!)
  • The reform of political campaign financing (Yeah, sure, whatever, why not?)
  • And the protection of my freedom of speech (Yes, please!  I love living in a land where I can call Carrie Prejean a dumbass without fear of retribution from the Gubment!)

I thought to myself, “Well yeah, I support all those things!  Down with big corporations!  I’m gonna burn my bra!  Let’s streak the lawn!”

Then, like a Thundersquee! brick to the face, it hit me…

AT&T is the exclusive provider of service for iPhones.  EXCLUSIVE.

ts-shockedmonkey


I instinctively clutched my iPhone to my heart and began petting it.  So pretty.  So shiny.  Need.  Want.  Must have.

So then I asked myself the question that every liberal iPhone owner must ask herself:

Do I hate Dick Cheney…

ts-dick-cheney1


more than I love my iPhone?

ts-iphone-3g-pic-3


Dick Cheney?

ts-cheney-mean


or iPhone?


ts-iphone-onion


Cheney?

ts-cheney4


or  jesusPhone?

Even Jesus has an iPhone


Well, Readers, after much very little thought, I must admit that the answer to the question is a resounding “NO!”  No, I do not hate Dick Cheney more than I love my iPhone.  Sorry, Credo Mobile and your merry band of do-gooders.  I commend your support of progressive causes–I support them too!–but… but… miPhone!!  And with the new one coming out in a couple weeks, fuhgettaboutit.

So, until I can switch to Credo Mobile and still use my iPhone, rather than one of three options provided, one of which looks like the beast of a mobile phone that Gordon Gecko used in Wall Street:


ts-gordongeckocell

Can you hear me now? How 'bout now?


it’s AT&T for the win.

ts-iphoneatt


Hell, I’ll even recognize Darth Cheney as my personal overlord if he provides me a 5g network.


ts-darth_vader_iphone_upgrade

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June 9, 2009 - Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic | , , , , , , ,

13 Comments »

  1. I cannot stop laughing. I am obsessively in love with my iPhone, too, to the point of losing my moral compass. 😉

    Comment by Cait | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  2. It’s ok if you lose your moral compass, there’s an App that’ll help you find it again.

    Comment by Cristal Methodd | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  3. LOL Cristal!

    I remember an NPR bit on a kid who unlocked his Iphone a few years ago. I’m blocked from listening to the audio at work, but I think this is the link: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=13935744

    I seem to recall that a soldering iron was needed, but I think you can handle it STM.

    Comment by Stay, see? | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  4. Ugh, I hate Dick Cheney. He’s a war criminal who really needs to be put in jail. If not for the whole torture thing, but for violating national security. I hope he rots in hell.

    Comment by blah | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  5. blah: For just one tiny second I wished more than anything your comment had ended with “sent from my iPhone.”

    But I agree with you, and while I don’t own an iPhone, I do use AT&T. I’m now rethinking that.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  6. hilarious!!
    I don’t own an iphone, but I do know life without my iPOD has been a horrible life. Plus I can’t live without my cell phone. Put those together and I understand.

    Comment by payter | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  7. Best of both worlds — an iPod touch with Skype installed, and hooked to my (or the local coffeeshop’s) WiFi network — basically, the IPhone without the evil overlord company, and free calls to my friends in Argentina (also on Skype).

    Then, a Blackberry from CREDO gets the rest of my calls (mostly work) as well as my work & personal emails.

    Works great.

    Comment by Will | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  8. Will, i think you just blew my mind.

    🙂

    Comment by stopthemadness | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  9. Will: I had Skype on my Nokia N800 (which I like better than the Touch). It came with a years free subscription, and I thought it worked brilliantly. You’ve just reminded me of the perfect alternative.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  10. I definitely love my iPhone more than I hate Dick Cheney. But having read this, I’m not 10 times more likely to hack my iPhone w/o guilt.

    Comment by etc at Fierce and Nerdy | June 9, 2009 | Reply

  11. Well, it’s a good thing Richard Branson is an uber rich hippie, so I’m safe with T-mo. Screw your iPhones! ::flips the bird:: ::coddles her blackberry:: ::then drops her blackberry because excessive use caused CTS::

    Comment by Mae | June 10, 2009 | Reply

  12. Mae: T-Mobile is owned by Deutsche Telekom. Branson owns Virgin Mobile, but only the brand. He partners with various phone companies to provide the service and just slaps the Virgin Logo on phones, etc.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | June 10, 2009 | Reply

  13. I thought T-Mo was a subsidiary of Virgin? I’m okay with it being owned by Krauts. I am in fact one myself last time I checked. heh heh heh

    Comment by Mae | June 10, 2009 | Reply


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