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Cooking with Bullshit Edition

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow decides to share some recipes with us. These recipes aren’t just any recipes, though. They belong to Pablo, the chef of her friend Giancarlo Giametti, or “GG” as he’s affectionately known. GG is described as an “Italian gentleman… longtime friend and partner of fashion legend Valentino Garavani.” Apparently having a chef isn’t GG’s only extravagance. Gwyneth claims that he lives in exceptional style, the likes of which she has never seen. I’m picturing butlers, Rolls Royces, gold toilets and expensive lavender moisturizers.

These recipes had better be good.


With such exceptional taste and gobs of money, one can assume that GG’s chef would provide some unique, world-class recipes–something the likes of which the average home cook would be unaware. Let’s open our minds, and our tastebuds, to some new, culinary creativity!


The first recipe:

Parmesan Crisps

ei1c10_parmesan_crisp_lgWait, I already know how to make these. You melt cheese onto a non-stick tray. There’s only one ingredient: melted cheese. How is this even a recipe?? There’s not even any new twist. At least tell me to throw some tarragon or thyme or fairy dust on them, so I feel like you’re teaching me something. Jeez.

Grade: D. I can’t bring myself to give melted cheese an F, even if this barely qualifies as cooking.

The second recipe:

Eggplant Parmesan

throwdown-eggplant-parmesan_slideshI guess she’s assuming we’ll have some parmesan left over after making the crisps? Oookay. This isn’t exactly a bad recipe, but I’m pretty sure it’s straight out of Good Housekeeping.  The only difference is that it recommends flouring the eggplant instead of breading, to make it lighter. Yawn.

Grade: C+. At least this involves more than one ingredient, but it’s still a pretty boring, standard dinner.

It’s really all riding on this last recipe. Will this week’s GOOP provide valuable information? Or will it be yet another waste of 3 minutes? And here it is, the last recipe:

Penne Arrabiata

penne_arrabbiataIn this recipe, you take penne and tomato sauce. Then you add chilis, olive oil, and pecorino cheese. And voila! You’re done. This is total horsecrap! This sounds like what I make for dinner when I’m in my jammies and have no groceries. It’s noodles and sauce! And get this. GET THIS. Penne Arrabiata usually has bacon. Gwyneth took out the bacon. That is unforgivable. You NEVER take out the bacon, unless it’s to add more bacon.

Grade: F. G. H. H minus. I am insulted on bacon’s behalf.

Well, I guess this week’s GOOP was a total waste of time. I’ve read more creative recipes on the back of my cream cheese container.

Much like last week’s lesson about music, this week’s lesson about cooking has taught us one thing: Having lots of money and being a celebrity does not necessarily give you any useful, inside information.


May 25, 2009 - Posted by | GOOPing | , ,

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