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What the French!?

Charm School Wrap Up

charm-school-cast-picThe other day I was watching a rousing show on The History Channel. I sat fascinated as they excavated what might have once been Sodom and Gomorrah. Then remembered I had recorded the latest Charm School with new host Ricki Lake. I’m still not sure if they found Sodom or not, but I’m sure a few of these ladies have. The first show was titled: “Thou Shall Be Charming.”

This season we get treated to two sets of dumped girls. I confess to not watching Real Chance Of Love, but the clips make it seem they were no less insane. It’s bound to be a battle of the STDs. The Valtrex shall fly. I expect some craziness and plenty of shenanigans, but I can tell from this puss (typo but it’s fitting) bus ride, the level of crazy on this season is going to reach astronomical proportions. We’re talking ludicrous speed, people. Someone is gonna get shot up in there. Here’s the cast.

From Rock Of Love:

  • (Trannytastic) Bus
  • Ashley (aka a bomb quote; lame)
  • Farrah (favorite quote; what the french) They make up the core of the blondtarague. I can’t remember but I do know they didn’t spell it as you would assume one would.
  • Beverly (Who enjoys waking up to a nice bottle of vodka)
  • Brittney Starr (former porn star and person everyone wants to punch
  • Brittanya (She will most likely spit and punch you in the face)
  • Gia (She seems to think a shot is actually a whole bottle)
  • Marcia (She thinks tequila is a food group along with Doritos)
  • Natasha ( She’s a dude, I’m sure of it)

From Real Chance Of Love:

  • Bay Bay Bay (Reminds me of that Nsync Song)
  • Bubbles (Sounds like Minnie Mouse and can be distracted by shiny things)
  • Kiki (Not quite sure yet but she said she has anger issues. Duly noted)
  • KO (Should be sent to my house so I can cuddle her, she’s too sweet to be there)
  • Risky
  • So Hood

I imagine any one of these young maidens would have felt right at home in any Royal Court. I can just see it now,

“Hey A Bomb, check out that super fat guy in tights, what the French?”

“I know Farrah, LAAAAAME.”

“Wheres the rum, bitches?”

I assume that’s when they’d be escorted to London Tower to await beheading.

The main target for the fighting this week, and I assume in weeks to come, was Brenda Starr.

Everyone was still upset over her stealing smelly socks and hoarding food. “Everyone” meaning, mainly Beverly. But, I think we shouldn’t hold her completely responsible since she was suffering from temporary drunken insanity. It’s a new defense I’m working on. I’m saving it for the day I really do cut a bitch.

The Real Chance Of Love girls were, over all, mellow, but their Brenda Starr is Bubbles–but with 50% less crazy. She sounds like a cartoon character, which is useful because she wants to do cartoon voices. It’s like destiny hit her upside the head with a squeaky voice to help make her dreams come true.

In this episode they all have to donate clothes to charity, and the whole theme of this season is serving the community. I think some of them need to be told that you can serve the community without “servicing” the community. They all were kind enough to bestow the needy with stripper clothes and acrylic heels. I’m sure that when you’re desperate for winter clothes nothing is handier than a dress that’s 18″ long and slit up to your no no area.  Oh, I almost forgot the hooker boots, but sometimes those aren’t too bad if paired up with some jeans. Kyo, who has already won my blackened heart over, gave the charity everything she brought. She seems sincere in her desire to better her life. So with this they each got a pin and went out back to enjoy a mixer.

“Let’s see how drunk we can get and not die” seemed to be the theme of this mixer for the Rock Of Love Ladies. I use the term “Ladies” loosely, as do they, ZIIIIIIIIIIIING! (Does it count if you zing yourself? If not then someone zing me.)  During this event, both sets of the Of Love casts were in their own corners, with the exception of Brenda Starr who was forced to sit with the other cast.


Of course, Brenda being seated on the other side only made her a better target, because after consuming 2 bottles of vodka, Beverly, who’d had an earlier tussle with Miss Brenda, threw what I think was a tomato at her. How dare she pelt such a fine delicate flower like that. Brenda’s only used to being pelted in the face with proteins. At this, Brenda reacted by not reacting. Which seems like the proper lady like thing to do. But that probably only works when the person you’re talking to hasn’t consumed 10 gallons of liquor.

Of course a shouting match ensues, ending with Beverly holding a handful of extensions in her sweaty little hand. You just know she’s sweating Patrón. The Real Chance girls were watching in shock and awwwwwwww shit. They all gave each other the, “Those bitches are caraaaazay” look, and I’m going to have to agree, concur, and second those motions.

With this, Brenda, who had finally finished crying about how much she loves her hair and that her hair is who she is, went to find Rikki. She then regaled Ricki with her dramatics, looking like the cat that ate the drunk canary. She was obviously happy that, even though she had half a head of extensions snatched out of her head, she would have her vengeance, Ricki Lake be thy name. Ricki spoke with Beverly to get her side of the story, then expelled her. Ripping out weaves is not charming.

So, we didn’t even make it to elimination before there was a casualty and expulsion. (Expulsion sounds like a dirty word.) Anywhoodles, on to elimination time. (I mean that how it sounds.) If Bev was the angry drunk, then Gia was the sloppy one.  Here’s a lovely clip of her giving herself a drunkcussion. This is the extended clip so if you watched the show there’s more awesome that you missed like having to be dragged out of bed by a poor stage hand. I hope those poor bastards are getting hazard pay.

There’s going to be more vomit to mop up and more fights to break up. Looking at the previews, the eyelashes and extensions will continue to fly, but it looks like there are some genuine moments of change and some lessons learned along the way. So I will continue to watch this messy meltdown, even though I know it will kill my soul a little each time I watch it, or whatever is left of it. I already sold it a few years ago for a carton of cigarettes and some light beer. I’m not so different than these girls, after all. Look at me all learning about myself and shit.

Entertaining? Hell yeah.
Good for you? Hell to the no way.
Will I watch till the end? Yes, I have no shame.

Like Gia, when I go out of this world, I want to do it with my breasts popping out and smoking a cigarette. I’m prettier than all those bitches. That’s what I want on my headstone. Make it so, Hags.

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May 15, 2009 - Posted by | Culture Critic, What the Crap!? | , ,

5 Comments »

  1. Did you watch Rock of Love Bus? I think Gia was kicked out the first night- she was reading a poem declaring her love for Bret on the back of a Herpes information sheet. Classy.

    I’ll give you a zing! for your “loose” comment, and I’ll raise you for the “proteins” comment on Britteny Star.

    I am addicted to these shows. I know my soul dies a little more every time I watch, but I do feel better about myself!

    Comment by chellelee79 | May 16, 2009 | Reply

  2. Oh nevermind, it was Nikki who read the poem. I had to go to the VH1 website to re-edumacate myself on the charming women of Rock of Love. I feel all dirty again.

    Comment by chellelee79 | May 16, 2009 | Reply

  3. Lol. I think I had that same reaction one time on Halloween after I lost my boyfriend at a club. But to have it on national television….= fail.

    Comment by shu_shu | May 17, 2009 | Reply

  4. PS: pretty sure I just caught gonorreah (sp?).

    Comment by shu_shu | May 17, 2009 | Reply

  5. I wouldn’t doubt it! I’m always scared to change the channel during the show because I’m afraid I could catch one of their STD’s through the remote.

    Comment by chellelee79 | May 17, 2009 | Reply


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