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Was This Vet Crazy? YES HE WAS.

A Cautionary Tale. Also A True Story.

If you want I can change your cat into a gerbil!!! No? WHY do you hate science!?!

I can change your cat into a gerbil!!! No? Why must you hate science!?!

Last week, I posted a story about a Mad Scientist. Today I’d like to warn you about Mad Veterinarians. THEY ARE OUT THERE.

Eleventy thousand years ago, I became the proud rescuer of two wickedly cute Tonkinese kittens named Tatsuo and Panache. I knew very little about baby kittehs, and I was seriously broke at the time, so I found a clinic where veterinary residents do the work on a sliding scale for po’ folk. Also, being neurotic, I had a list of concerns and questions for the young vet.

Here is the list:

  1. Please neuter them. (Not a question, but at the top of the list nonetheless.)
  2. They still have baby teeth. Is that weird and what should I do about it, if anything?
  3. Tatsuo hucks himself in the throat every time he tries to jump from the floor to the counter, so he seems to either be having trouble with his eyes or he is butt-stupid. Suggestions?

Here are the vet’s answers:

Tatsuo, cat of the Orient, hucker of own throat

Tatsuo, cat of the Orient, hucker of own throat

  1. Yes, I can neuter them. BUT! I could give them VASECTOMIES instead! These are exotic cats, and a vasectomy will make it appear that they haven’t been, uh, altered.
  2. No, you don’t have to worry about their teeth, they’ll fall out on their own and if swallowed they’ll just dissolve and won’t hurt them in any way. BUT! If you’re worried about it, I could PULL THEM OUT for you. So you won’t worry.
  3. Yes, Tatsuo appears to have trouble focusing. This is a common genetic problem among cats of the Orient. (Yes. He said “cats of the Orient.”) BUT! I can PRESCRIBE GLASSES FOR HIM and he will be much happier.


Here are my responses to his answers:

  1. No. I’m okay with just plain ol’ neutering, thank you. I’m not planning on “showing” them.
  2. Why would you do that? Do people DO that? You JUST TOLD ME it’d be fine! Don’t do that!
  3. Glasses. For my cat. Do people really DO that? HE’S A CAT. I believe he will bat them off. BECAUSE HE’S A CAT. So, no. No glasses.


Aaaand here are his responses to my responses:

No, seriously, I'm really happy now.  You just...go to sleep...

No, seriously, I'm really happy now. 20/20 and all that. You just...go to sleep...

  1. Okay. (Although I am going to DO IT THE FUCK ANYWAY because I’ve never done this procedure and that would be an experience I would like to have.)
  2. Okay. Yes, they will be fine. Just let me know if you change your mind. (pleasepleaseplease.)
  3. Okay. But you know how, when little kids can’t see, then they get glasses and they’re so happy that NOW THEY CAN SEE that they don’t fuss with them? Well, it’s the same for cats. And that is why you should get them. He’ll be eternally grateful to you for improving the quality of his life through corrective lenses. But if you say you don’t want them, that’s okay. I guess. (Stupid bitch. You must hate your cat. And SCIENCE.)


Panache, LOVER of belly rubs

Panache, LOVER of belly rubs

I did not have their teeth yanked out, nor did I get glasses for Tatsuo (he eventually learned to gauge the floor-to-counter distance, and only rarely hucked himself in the throat over the next fourteen years until he died from a congenital heart defect). The vet did, in fact, perform vasectomies on them (WITHOUT MY CONSENT!) causing Panache and Tatsuo to have kitty erections throughout their lives which have done nothing but baffle them. Panache is still alive and well and tries to make out with me whenever I rub his tummy.

The moral of this story: Rookie veterinarians are sometimes a little too eager to do weird stuff to your pet, and may just go ahead and do weird stuff to your pet despite you saying “no, don’t do that” because he or she thinks you are a stupid bitch.


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May 14, 2009 - Posted by | Daily Whims, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , , ,

10 Comments »

  1. I am having to pretend not to laugh today. This was today’s biggest don’t-laugh challenge.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  2. Wow if only I had been warned BEFORE trying to put in the kitty contacts…..

    Comment by silent noodles | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  3. I took some allergy medicine earlier, and as a result of reading the caption on the picture before the story, I thought you were talking about gerbils. (Despite the fact that you refer to your little cuties as cats quite a few different times.) And I just imagined this little, itty bitty gerbil trying to jump from the floor to the counter and almost making it, but not quite. And I started laughing hysterically. Now my boss thinks I’m some sort of junkie. Thanks, Sarah.

    Comment by Helen Skor | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  4. hahaha! this was definitely worth the break for the 1200 foot pile of stuff I have to do before noon tomorrow…:)

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  5. Kittah no seez goodz.

    I think you should tell that doctor your kitty is having shoulder pain and see if you can get some cat pain pills.

    Comment by cookiebees | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  6. bfm – why are you pretending not to laugh today? I understand that about as much as I understand getting glasses for my cat. By which I mean, I don’t understand it.

    Comment by Sarah | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  7. Even though everyone knows I don’t do any real work, I like to pretend I’m not reading giggly jokes and articles during the workday. It can get really awkward when it’s just me and one of my bosses here and I start giggling. I always just pretend like I’m coughing. I am just waiting for him to say something like “Every time you go to a website you are stealing money from the company, and thus you are stealing food from the mouth of my child!” But he’s really nice so he’ll probably never say that. But I still envision it because I feel guilty.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  8. Plus my dad owns the company, and if I steal from it, I am also stealing food out of my own mouth, so I need to make sure that the food gets to my mouth somehow. Really, stealing it is a form of insurance, so that I don’t have to split the food with my other boss’s child.

    I think I stopped making since about 3 miles back.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  9. Oh, also — I don’t know if cats are different from dogs in this way, but Guiness (aka Devil Dog) still gets erections even though he was neutered nigh on 12 years ago.

    bfm, if your dad owns the company, I’m pretty sure your “boss” isn’t going to say squat about you laughing at websites at work! Do you think Ivanka Trump worries about getting in trouble for reading “Peanuts” in the office and then laughing uproariously at that crazy Lucy’s shenanigans? Of course not!! Good Grief! 🙂

    Comment by SeaKat | May 14, 2009 | Reply

  10. SeaKat: I didn’t know that my kittehs had been vasectomized instead of neutered until a friend pointed at both my cats’ butts as they were eating, with aforementioned cat butts pointed toward us, and said – “Are you SURE they were neutered? Those cats are WAYYYY too hung to be neutered. Neutered cat balls just do NOT look like THAT.” That was when I started to wonder if the Mad Vet just decided to do whatever the hell he wanted to, since I was 20 and paying all of fifteen dollars – and he wanted to have this experience under his belt.
    New moral: The penniless cat lovers always get fucked in the drive-thru. TRUE STORY.

    Comment by Sarah | May 14, 2009 | Reply


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