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Don’t Be A Doosh!

Stairs Edition

manners2It is no secret that the manners of America are in decline and everyone seems to have been raised by a pack of wolves. Or in a barn. Or by barn-dwelling wolves. We here at Thundersquee! are fighting the good fight against the tide of barbarism–keeping America klassy, one K at a time!

Let’s take a moment today to talk about stairs. Basically, there are two things one does on stairs: climbing and descending. That is it. You walk up them, you walk down them and occasionally you barrel down them in a laundry basket. Now, when those stairs are in a public setting, your movements, barring physical ailment, should be fairly brisk. No one likes being stuck on the stairs peering up at some stranger’s ass. In case any of this comes as a surprise to you, dear reader or, you would like a handy list to tack up on a co-worker or family member’s door, 95-Thesis style, we have compiled a handy-dandy list of stair etiquette:

  • You don’t stop at the top/bottom of the stairs
  • Whilst on said stairs, you don’t pull your phone out and start fiddling with it
  • You don’t stop at the top/bottom of the stairs to make a phone call
  • You don’t ascend/descend the stairs while read reading your paper, book or any other publication
  • You don’t rifle though your purse or side satchel
  • You don’t stop at the top/bottom of the stairs to delve into your Mary Poppins carpet bag (that isn’t a euphemism)
  • You don’t congregate at the mouth of the stairs with your dooshbag friends
  • If you are on moving stairs, you don’t stand two-wide with your dumb ass friend – You don’t stop at the top/bottom of the stairs to and look around dumbly
  • You don’t try to pass on the stairs when people are coming in the opposite direction
  • You don’t linger. Go up or go down, it isn’t a student lounge

Any additions? Disagree? Other ideas for rules of social interaction? Let us know in the comments.


May 13, 2009 - Posted by | Don't Be a Doosh! | , , ,


  1. I agree, and i apologize for ever rifling through my Mary Poppins carpetbag while on ascending or descending the stairs. Although, I think I only do this on escalators. I’m not coordinated enough to walk up/down stairs and rifle at the same time.

    Comment by TT2 | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  2. I’m also going to suggest that the dear readers to remember to properly warm up and stretch before using any kind of stairs. You could hurt yourself.

    Comment by cookiebees | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  3. So, in high school, we had a three story building with three sets of stairs, one on each end and one on the middle. The joke was that all the sophomores (high school started in 10th grade) would ONLY use the middle stairs. A guy on newspaper staff wrote this scathing (sort of) piece about how moronic the sophomores were, citing their horrible stair etiquette. Being a sophomore at the time, I wrote a rebuttal about how the seniors, the only ones who were allowed to park on campus, also demonstrated horrible stair etiquette on the stairway up from the parking lot.

    I have never gotten so much hate mail and random threats in my life.

    Stair etiquette is not a joke y’all!

    Comment by TheHobo | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  4. Yeah, I don’t know where my sentence went wrong. I haven’t even had any libations. Wait, problem is discovered.

    Comment by cookiebees | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  5. But hobo. That’s the joy of becoming a senior. After years of torture you get to hog the stairs and pick your favorite lunch table for the year.

    Comment by cookiebees | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  6. This is why I always carry a collapsible white cane w/red tip and giant “Blue Blockers”-style sunglasses.

    If I notice the impediment quickly enough, I can whip out my accessories and run the jackass over w/zero repercussions.* Hell, they usually end up apologizing to me!**

    *except to my karma, for pretending to havea disability when I don’t
    **OK, I don’t really do this. Mainly b/c I JUST thought of it. Gotta run, the medical supply store opens soon!!

    Comment by SeaKat | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  7. I’d like more people to abide by elevator etiquette. If there is someone on the elevator you wish to enter, allow them to leave first. As a matter of fact, just ASSUME that someone is on that elevator ready to get off when the door opens, which means that you shouldn’t be waiting half a foot from the door.

    Comment by Skaði | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  8. Speaking of stairs in high school, I can relate. Our high school had five stories…at least I stayed in great shape despite not taking gym the last 2 years.

    Comment by Skaði | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  9. I don’t enjoy people who crop dust in elevators. Jerk heads.

    Comment by cookiebees | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  10. Another one of my favorites: What side of the road do you drive on?? One side of the stairs is for people going up. One side is for people going down. If I’m coming down the stairs on the right hand side, and you’re coming up the right hand side, and I wreck into you – it’s your fault. Don’t give me dirty looks when you’re driving the wrong way down a one-way street – I will be forced to trip you and make you start from the beginning. We will repeat this process until you can tell the difference between left and right without holding up your fingers to see which hand makes an “L.”

    Comment by Bizzzzle | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  11. Skaði, I can atest to that! Good ole HHS had the most ridiculous layout ever!

    Comment by Helen Skor | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  12. HHS? Health and Human Services?

    Comment by DonnaMartin | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  13. I should post this stairway ettiquette at the mall where my grocery store is. They replaced the escalators with a staircase, which is quite narrow and barely two people can walk on it at the same time.

    Some suggestions for future rules of social interaction:

    I would also like to see some etiquette rules for walking on a sidewalk. Some people don’t know how to share the sidewalk space. You know when people walk two, three, sometimes four abreast of the sidewalk towards you and no one moves! What the hell?! So to avoid having to jump off the sidewalk into oncoming traffic, I end up pushing through or past the rude asses and smacking them with my bag. Oh and walking with umbrellas. I’m surprised I still have both my eyeballs.

    Oh and bus/public transportation etiquette!

    Comment by rumour has it | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  14. Last year Mr. Sarah and I were running late to catch a flight, and discovered a second too late as we barreled onto the escalator (planning to RUN UP IT) that a kindergarten teacher had decided THE AIRPORT was a good place to teach her entire class of 20 four-year-olds about escalators. That kindergarten teacher has no idea how close she was to dying that day.

    Comment by Sarah | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  15. i agree with rumour…sidewalk etiquette must be addressed, people. you can’t just wander all over the place. i WILL knock you down. i will walk with your careless little group of friends/family/coworkers/bastards and i don’t care if it’s awkward, then i will jut out ahead of you. i might say excuse me, i might not. do you feel lucky?

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  16. Yeah, I lived on the east coast far too long to put up with large groups (read: 2 or more) of slow-walking mouthbreathers hogging the whole sidewalk.

    I moshed in the Ratt in Kemore Sq. I will take you down. My shoulders are registered as weapons in 3 states. (Update: not really.)

    Comment by SeaKat | May 13, 2009 | Reply

  17. HHS = the high school Helen and I attended (no, we didn’t actually know each other then, but she knew my brother)

    Comment by Skaði | May 14, 2009 | Reply

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