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In which Gwyneth “tightens our programs”

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth brings some make-up tips from, as she puts it, the people who transform her into a “semi-presentable woman.” Yay! No more looking like a hobo! At least from the neck up. I can’t afford that $700 jumpsuit just yet . To help us out, Gwynnie consults with three experts on how to “tighten our programs” and look more aesthetically appealing.

What the?! Wait a minute… did she just imply that my “program” is loose? I’ll have her know it’s nothing of the sort! My program is exactly what it should be! I never… Who just walks around making assumptions about other people’s programs, willy-nilly?

Ugh. What a cow. Let’s see what she has to say.


There’s some pretty standard make-up advice… use concealer! wear lip balm! apply mascara! Whatever, we all know about that crap. But there are also some slightly less orthodox beauty tips she’d like to share.

1. Keep a spoon in the freezer overnight. Then in the morning, to reduce eye puffiness, place the spoon on your eye area.

All I have to say is, you’d better hope you have ABSOLUTELY no moisture on your eyelids. Have you ever licked something metal in the winter? Remember how hard your tongue stuck? Imagine that on your eyeball. ‘Nuff said.

2. To prevent wrinkles around the mouth, pull exaggerated “O” and “E” sounds for 30 seconds. Also, stick your tongue out as far as you can, while keeping the eyes wide.

Apparently this exercises seldom used tongue muscles (tee hee!) and releases tension in the jaw (ha!). Loosening your jaw and working the tongue keeps you from looking mean, according to Gwyneth. I’m pretty sure boyfriends and husbands everywhere would tell you the same.

And this one… oh my god:

3. Have a day off? Pour a half a cup of olive oil in your hair, and leave it there all day! At first it will look like an oil slick, but by the end of the day, it will just look wet. After shampooing twice, your hair will be merely greasy. Apparently if you can leave the house, the heat will help it penetrate the hair.

Honestly? Is anyone willing to walk around all day with a head full of grease, just to have marginally softer hair? Also, the soft hair will probably last a couple of weeks. Just enough time for the inevitable acne to clear up.

Oh, and she recommends that men use tinted moisturizer. Hawt.

Enough of this. This is garbage. No one is actually going to do any of these things, and if they do, I give it 24 hours until the hilarious video is posted to Youtube.

Here’s my counter-GOOP for the week: This is the video that actually taught me how to do makeup. It’s phenomenal. And it’s actually practical. And it’s done on a man… so you know, if it helps him, it should do wonders for me! It’s hilarious and wonderful, from Tracie at Jezebel and Gavin at Street Carnage.

Forget everything Gwyneth just told you to do, and watch this (click the image, as the video isn’t embeddable.  It’s well worth it!):



May 11, 2009 - Posted by | GOOPing | , ,


  1. That video so makes me want to go out to buy a whole bag of brand new makeup.

    Sigh. I love, love, love my family and life, but I do feel nostalgic for the days of drinking, listening to music and drawing on my face before going out for a night of flirting.

    My version of “dressed up” these days is when I manage a clean shirt AND I actually remembered to put on deodorant.

    Comment by SeaKat | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  2. 😦 If I were there I would either babysit for you or go out with you, SK.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  3. Ooh, OOh! I vote for GO OUT!!!

    Comment by SeaKat | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  4. Now I’m nostalgic for the crazy nights out w/bfm that I never had…

    Comment by SeaKat | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  5. I watched the video and thought “I want her hair!” then realized I also wanted her shirt and her eyes. Now I want a girlie make up type evening, too.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  6. I would just like to state for the record that the spoon in the freezer to reduce puffy eyes DOES NOT WORK. AT ALL. I’ve tried it on several occasions. What? I used to stay up for days on end, ahem, doing things and sometimes needed to look “normal.”

    Also, the tongue on the metal pole thing doesn’t work either. What? I’m a try it, before I buy it kinda gal. Is anyone really surprised?

    Comment by Mae | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  7. Oh, and is that picture a joke? She looks like hell on a stick in the After photo.

    Comment by Mae | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  8. Too bad we can’t all meet in the middle and have a ThunderSqueers night out! 🙂


    Comment by SeaKat | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  9. Cirrusly. If the world was going to end in maybe like 2 months instead of tomorrow, I would spend up all my savings trying to get us all together.

    ::sheds a single tear thinking about it::

    ::checks bank account::

    Nope…. still gonna have to be a doomsday scenario.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  10. that was brills, janet!

    i wish i could find makeup and a moisturizer that my eczema infected skin could handle. then i wouldn’t look like the walking dead so much.

    Comment by rumour has it | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  11. rumour!

    Ask your Doctor about Clobetasol Propionate cream.

    It’s a steroid, so you need to use is verrry sparingly (over time it can thin your skin). But it has done amazing things for my eczema. I used to itch so badly that I would scratch in my sleep and wake up with blood spots on the sheets. Ew. I know. Now? A teensy bit of the cream and the itch subsides, redness goes away and it looks normal after a few days of regular application.

    Hope it works for you as well as it did for me!! 🙂

    Comment by SeaKat | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  12. Thanks SeaKat! 🙂 I do have a prescription for a topical steroid for my skin and although the name is different than the one you use, it provides relief and has the same warning about thinning my skin, but I’ve been using it for almost 10 years and my skin hasn’t thinned or at least I don’t think it has.

    My problem is applying makeup on top of it. My skin is okay for a few hours, but after awhile, it dries out and becomes irritated, so I rarely wear make up. However, I did try some mineral make up that wasn’t so bad. I think what I really need is a tan. Yeah, a tan that I get from going on a tropical vacation.

    Comment by rumour has it | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  13. Ahhh!!! ::scribbles furiously:: Thanks Seakat! I have one spot of eczema on my right shin that’s gradually grown larger throughout the years that I can’t seem to get rid of. And I scratch it in my sleep too. I used to get itchy spots on my arms and left leg, but not so much anymore (not that I’m complaining) but this ONE SPOT is really chafing my leg, heyooooo


    now it itches, damnit to hell! every time i think about it or talk about it, it starts itching. and i can’t get to it because of these stupid skinny jeans. rahhhhh!

    Comment by Mae | May 11, 2009 | Reply

  14. rumour… you probably have already tried this, but if you haven’t, try a tinted moisturizer. Vichy made an amazing one (Lumineuse, I think it was called). I think they discontinued it, cause I haven’t found it anywhere. If you find it, stock up and mail me some? Apparently L’Oreal makes a good one too. My mom swears by it.

    Not sure if it will make the difference, but I use it, and I swear I don’t ever have to moisturize my face.

    Comment by janet | May 12, 2009 | Reply

  15. Thanks janet! I will try to find it and hope my skin doesn’t freak out over it.

    Comment by rumour has it | May 12, 2009 | Reply

  16. YAA Adding this to my bookmarks. Thank You

    Comment by black high heel shoes | June 14, 2009 | Reply

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