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Video Thunderdome!

The Devil Made Me Do It Edition

Thunderdome

I mentioned in my last post about Miss California, Carrie Prejean, that I went to Christian schools when I was growing up. From the third grade on, I was in four different schools and with each new school, they got more and more out there on the wacky Christian scale. I didn’t attend any of the schools because I, or my family was overly religious. I got stuck in them because I had a hearing problem and my mother thought that a smaller classroom would mean I would get more attention and wouldn’t struggle to keep up with my peers.

The people that ran all the schools viewed MTV as a tool of the Devil. On more than one occasion, I was told that watching MTV and listening to secular music would lead to my soul being cast into Hell.

For this week’s Thunderdome, I’m going to share the stories of two music videos that, according to people running the Christian schools I attended, will lead you straight to Hell. You should prepare yourself. The act of watching these videos will invite Satan into your heart. So if I bump into you in Hell later on, don’t blame me; I warned you.

My hand to Busey, these are true stories.

First up, we have a song from Laura Brannigan called “Self Control.”  Take a few minutes and watch it now.


 

According to Pastor Bill, who ran the school I attended at the time the video for “Self Control” came out, the guy in the white mask was the Devil. Not someone playing the Devil, but the ACTUAL Devil himself. There is a line in the song that goes, “I live among the creatures of the night, I haven’t got the will to try and fight.” Pastor Bill told us that she would have had the will to try and fight if she had just asked Jesus into her heart. He went on to tell us that the orgy dancers weren’t really having a good time, they were all actually writhing in pain because that had turned their back on God. He also said that Laura Brannigan was going to burn in Hell because she chose to sell her soul for the pleasures of sins of the flesh.

I think I was around 13 at the time Pastor Bill clued us in what the song was REALLY about. I was shocked how many people actually believed him. It’s easy to frighten a kid into believing something, but I just didn’t understand full-grown adults who thought the Devil was really in a music video. I can remember it all like it was yesterday. It was hands down one of the most bizarre things I had ever heard. Pastor Bill went on to prove himself a douchebag by making a group of little kids cry when he told them there was no Santa Claus. I told him he didn’t have the right to do that and got detention, but that’s another story.

Next on the road to Hell, we have Olivia Newton-John with the song “Physical.”  This song was a double whammy. It was talking about sex and it promoted the deviant gay lifestyle—another Pastor’s words, not mine.


I grew up in a small town that had the diversity of a Norman Rockwell painting. It was after another morning chapel sermon on the evils of secular music that I first heard the words deviant, homosexual, and gay. I didn’t know what the first two meant but I did know what “gay” meant. Long before cable TV with its dozens of channels at my fingertips I had a pair of rabbit ears sitting on top of the TV with maybe seven or eight channels to choose from on a good day. On Saturday and Sunday afternoons you either watched pro bowling, golf, or old movies.

I used to watch movies from the 1930s and 40s; in those movies, “gay” meant “happy.” So I asked the Pastor later, what is so wrong with being gay? Looking back I’m surprised he didn’t throw holy water at me. After he recovered from my question he asked if I know what “gay” meant. I said “yes, it means happy.”  At that, he was clearly relieved. He went on to tell me that wasn’t the kind of “gay” he meant. The “gay” they were talking about meant that the person was sick. When I tried to get a better answer, one that made sense, he got mad and told me to do my schoolwork and not ask so many questions. I probably should have taken his advice; later in the year I asked him what if the Bible is just a book? I got detention for that.

Anyhoo…

Last week, the Bangles beat out the Go-Go’s to win.

Be sure to cast your vote this week’s challengers. Who do you think should enter the Video Thunderdome? Let me know in the comment section below.

[poll id=”34″]

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May 8, 2009 - Posted by | Video Thunderdome! | , , , , , , , , ,

11 Comments »

  1. first video, 2:48 – objectum sexual!! yeah!! bet your pastor didn’t mention that.

    haha, i love all your comments to your pastor. priceless.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  2. you know what’s weird, is the first video is just like something i would have seen at my church. is anyone familiar with the concept of a Human Video? my church did like 1 human video every 3 weeks or something, after working their butts off on it. it seems strange that a church would condemn that, since my church was going around imitating it.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  3. I didn’t know “Physical” was about sex? :/ I guess I’m still living in a bubble.

    Comment by Cristal Methodd | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  4. OK I can finally see the Physical vid – it wasn’t loading form e before. And I voted Physical, because not only does it sexualize men without degrading women, but it also sexualizes tubby guys…woohoo! As if her diaper and the red-headed fro weren’t enough to get her the vote anyway. I love the plot.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  5. I would love to hear what Pastor Bill is up to these days.

    It would be so delicious if he had been defrocked due to an embezzlement scandal.

    Embezzling from the field trip fund to pay for a Hair Club for Men membership. And silk sheets.

    Comment by queencrone | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  6. Oddly enough and on a related note, I found this article today in my wanderings:
    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090508/ap_on_re_us/us_school_dance_flap

    FINDLAY, Ohio – A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, his principal said.

    Comment by Cristal Methodd | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  7. Queen

    Do you know Pastor Bill? He lost his church because he took over a party store that was owned by a church member. The owner was out of the state for about 6 months caring for his dying mother. While he was gone Pastor Bill robbed him blind and destroyed the business. After the owner got back he had to close the store because of all the debt Pastor Bill ran up on the store.

    Cristal

    That sounds like every school I went to. We had a 6 inch rule. You couldn’t be closer than 6 inches to someone of the opposite sex. The only time that rule was followed was when a teacher was watching. Another rule was that girls were only allowed to wear white underwear. That rule wasn’t followed either but don’t ask me how I know. ;p

    Comment by KeeblerKahn | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  8. Six Inch Rule!! We had it!!!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  9. Oh man. We were total public school deviants. Dry humping in 7th grade even. You guys totally missed out.

    Comment by shu_shu | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  10. I instituted my own 6 inch rule in college.

    But it was implemented a little bit differently than Pastor Bill’s.

    Comment by SeaKat | May 8, 2009 | Reply

  11. Keebler, I feel bad for that business owner. That type of betrayal is pretty hard to get over.

    Comment by queencrone | May 11, 2009 | Reply


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