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YouTube Knows Something ‘Bout Birthing Babies

And also, “the business end”

mailgooglecomWhat do you do when your pregnant wife starts feeling a little uncomfortable close to her due date? Google “how to deliver a baby,” and watch Youtube videos, of course! Marc Stephens, an engineer (dork, of course!) from Cornwall, did just that–and guess what? It came in handy! Whilst Mr. Stephens was boning up on emergency deliveries, his wife was awakened from her slumber by five-minute-apart-contractions, signaling the impending arrival of a bebeh! The Stephens had planned on a home-birth with a midwife, but when they called ’round that stropping cow was busy! The midwife told the Stephens to call the ambulance as she was too busy knifing the crud from her hooves.

The ambulance was called, but, as we all know, bebehs! wait for no man or team of medical personnel. Mr. Stephens, who had Royal Navy training, swabbed the decks, hoisted the mainsail and fished off the port bow for a new son. “This is our fourth child now and while for our first I spent most of the time at my wife’s head, now I’m not afraid to go down to the business end,” he said.

I would like to take a moment here to point out some fuckery with the BBC article–I guess it is great that the man delivered a baby, but where is the amazement and/or adulation for Jo Stephens? I mean, here is a woman, having a good sleep when she is woken up by searing pain in her baby factory. She tells her hubby, who rings around and finds out that her midwife is “too busy” and the ambulance is late. Her husband, who was too skeeved to be near her vagina during the first three births, tells her he has been looking at strangers give birth for a few hours and now feels confident that he, too, can deliver a baby. And I am not saying he couldn’t, or that you couldn’t, or that he did a bad job. What I am saying is that I would have passed the fuck out. Give that lady a medal.


May 4, 2009 - Posted by | News You May or May Not Use | , , ,


  1. I don’t know nothing about birthing no babies!

    Wait, let me google it…can you be a little quieter with the yelling? I can’t hear…

    Comment by TheHobo | May 4, 2009 | Reply

  2. My friend just had a baby two weeks ago, and while they were waiting for the doctor to come to her room to check on her, she had a strong contraction and the baby just popped out. There will never be an end to the floppy vagina teasing after that. (Especially since it was her first.)

    Comment by Helen Skor | May 4, 2009 | Reply

  3. the whole waiting for the doctor to come check pisses me the heck off. most of the time they’re off sleeping or some crap while the nurses slave away, but then the nurses aren’t “allowed” to deliver babies so you just wait and hold it. not a poo, a baby. lazy bastards.

    Comment by lava | May 4, 2009 | Reply

  4. He’s smarter than I am. I would have just called Ikea customer service. I think if you can put together a dinette set without lots of extra leftover pieces, you should be able to deliver a baby. I bet putting together ikea furniture is more complicated.

    Comment by cookiebees | May 5, 2009 | Reply

  5. lava, with my first baby, my daughter turned somehow in the birth canal and got stuck. After I pushed for an hour, the Dr. warned me that we would try one more time and then we would have to do an emergency C-section. The Dr. finally managed to turn my girl enough to get her out. The SeaCannibal was blue and needed oxygen immediately, but she was OK.

    I think having a Dr. at the birth is kind of like an airline pilot — most of the time everything goes fine, the plane (or the birth) goes on auto-pilot, and they’re not really that necessary. But when something goes wrong, you’re really glad you had them there! 🙂

    Comment by SeaKat | May 5, 2009 | Reply

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