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An Open Letter to the Pig Nation

3pigsHello Pigs,

My name is KeeblerKahn and I am your worst fears made of flesh. I am the thing that goes bump in the night. When the little piglets tell ghost stories late at night to frighten each other, I am the bogeyman they speak of. Put simply, I’ve never encountered a piece of your succulent flesh that I wasn’t ready to fry up in a pan, slow roast in my oven or barbecue over an open flame.

I tell you this not to frighten you, but to illustrate a point. In my eyes you are the king of the edible animals. From you come some of the greatest cuts of meat mankind has ever had the pleasure of devouring. I can understand how this is distressing to you; being made out of pork must be a great burden. I think if you ever got the chance to eat a piece of crispy bacon, you would understand why so many of your kind have crossed my plate.

Today I come to you with an offer of amnesty for members of the pork persuasion. The news is filled with reports of swine flu these days. I’ve read that Mexico has been hit the hardest and as it so happens, there are two people honeymooning there right now that I wish would catch swine flu.


Should you miss them while they are in Mexico, you will have another chance when they are in Costa Rica filming a television show. The opportunity is there; you simply have to take it.

My offer is this. Strike these two down with all of your might and I will abstain from eating your flesh for six months. I am a man who holds true to his word. I believe when a person gives his word, he is honor bound to uphold it. Anyone who gives his word and breaks it has no honor. My word is my bond;  once given, I uphold it. Infect these two and for a period of six months no piece of bacon, slice of ham or cut of spare rib shall touch my lips.

You may be thinking to yourself, “He’s only offering to stop eating us for six months; that’s not really that long. Besides, what are the chances he will actually eat me or some other pig I know?” Let me tell you about a little game we humans have, it’s called Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. In it we can connect actors from anytime to Kevin Bacon. The thing is, it works on us regular people too. Let me give you an example.

My friend Mandy met John Waters at a screening of one of his films. John Waters directed Hairspray with Ricki Lake. Ricki Lake was in Last Exit to Brooklyn with Jennifer Jason Leigh. Jennifer Jason Leigh was in The Big Picture with Kevin Bacon.

Me→ Mandy→ John Waters→ Ricki Lake→ Jennifer Jason Leigh→ Kevin Bacon

Now if I can link myself to Kevin Bacon in six steps, how hard do you really think it’s going to be to link myself to you or someone you know when you are made of BACON.

Know this. In my freezer right now is enough sausage, bacon, ham, pork chops and spare ribs to assemble my own Frankenpig. Believe me when I say I love the taste of your flesh. I am offering you six months of peace. All you have to do is infect Heidi and Spencer.  Trust me; if you had to put up with them the way the rest of us have, you would want to do it.

Know this, as well. Should these two return from south of the border unscathed, there is a bottle of Jack Daniels barbecue sauce just waiting for some baby back ribs.

The ball is in your court. I await your answer.


May 1, 2009 - Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , , , , ,


  1. I love this!

    “Now if I can link myself to Kevin Bacon in six steps, how hard do you really think it’s going to be to link myself to you or someone you know when you are made of BACON.”


    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  2. Frankenpig! FTW!!

    Comment by DonnaMartin | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  3. You made me wonder about my Bacon number, so I was digging through the Oracle of Bacon to see what it would be. I was surprised to find that in most all instances, it went through Clint Howard, even when I went through Matthew Lillard. Howard may just be a portal to Bacon…

    Because Lillard was in Hackers, I went with him. It goes: My god-brother/step cousin is the guitarist for Sugar Ray. Sugar Ray were in Scooby Doo with Matthew Lillard. Matthew Lillard was in Telling You with Clint Howard, and CLint Howard was in Frost/Nixon with Kevin Bacon.

    me > Rodney > Matthew Lillard > Clint Howard > Kevin Bacon, so that’s 5, or 4, however you look at it.

    More importantly, that makes my Jonny Lee Miller and Fisher Stevens numbers even lower. Suck it, Bacon…and pigs!

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  4. I saw the Bacon Brothers live at a folk festival (don’t you judge me!).

    Me > Kevin Bacon.

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  5. “Today I come to you with an offer of amnesty for members of the pork persuasion.” Jesus Titi-fucking Christ that was awesomeness!

    Comment by drgnsldr | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  6. oovimh – I feel I should apologize to your family for all the mean things I’ve said about Sugar Ray over the years. Um, sorry. :-/

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  7. bfm:they can’t be worse than the things I’ve said. 😉 I’ve never mentioned it because it’s always been more of a skeleton in the closet thing. 😉 But, you know, it got me to Bacon, and more importantly, JLM and FS

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  8. Voices, I’ll never see a comment from you w/o hearing in my head,

    “Shut the door, baby, and don’t say a word.”

    Comment by SeaKat | May 2, 2009 | Reply

  9. Keebs, this was fabulous. Beyond fabulous. Porkulous.

    Well done, sir. (And I ain’t talking ’bout the ribs)

    Comment by SeaKat | May 2, 2009 | Reply

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