Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Pay your respects to Chairman Maobama!  Start goose-stepping!

As you may have guessed by now, the Angry Black Lady is a kneejerk, bleeding heart liberal. I cried when Obama was elected because just a year earlier during the Clinton/Obama primaries, I’d been talking to my mother, and she said “There’s no way in hell he’ll win the primary.”

Now for a little background, my mom is awesome, amazing, and brilliant. And, she doesn’t take too kindly to bullshit. (Perhaps this is why I became a lawyer–much to her chagrin–to hone my bullshit skills.) For 20 years, this sweet yet cynical middle-aged Jewish woman (she calls herself a “reformed Jew”) has refused to vote because, essentially “the whole system sucks and I don’t want any part of it.”

“They’re all crooks!”

is her battle cry. After Obama won the Democratic Party nomination, my mom said,

“Well there’s no way they’re going to elect a black man president. No way.”

And, when my mom voted in this election for the first time in over twenty years; she made sure to tell me she wasn’t so much voting for Obama as she was against McCain whom she described as “pure evil.”  But I was proud of her anyway.

A little more background on my mother might be required here:

She grew up during the McCarthy era, and saw her father, my grandfather, fired from his job as a teacher in the Philadelphia School District because my grandfather refused to “name names” (i.e., call out other “commies” with whom my grandparents had associated themselves.)  Yes, my grandparents were “socialists”… as were many liberals at that time.  Why?  Because Joe McCarthy was an asshole.

So, you see, I come from a long line of socialist/leftie librulz.  My mom married a black man.  In 1967. How much more pinko can you get?  And while I love me some soup dumplings, that’s about as far as my ties to communism go.  But back then, it didn’t matter; if you were communist or socialist or liberal or Jewish or black, you were the enemy–anti-American–and you were fired or blacklisted and generally outcast from society.

Well my mom was proven wrong–we did elect a black guy.  So here we are. It’s “Assess Obama’s First 100 Days” time.   Everyone is grading him.  And they’re all stupid because the only sensible grade is “Incomplete.” He’s completed 100 days, but he still has 1,360 days to go.  What if he fails AP Foreign Policy?  IF you give him an “A” now, his hopes might be dashed later.  Who’s running this school anyway?

Well, without having watched any of the coverage yet, I’m going to guess that liberal pundits give him stellar marks; and the conservative pundits think that he’s royally screwing up and that we’re going to be attacked by communist pigs from outer space any fucking minute now.

It is clear from the far right media pundits (Hannity, Beck, Coulter, anyone on Fox News) that fools on the far right don’t understand the difference between socialism, communism, and fascism.  What they do understand is “LoatheObamaism.”  (Their loathing is irrational, To Me In My Opinion.  I mean, I loathe Bush, but that’s because Bush sucked monkey balls and caused this mess we’re in now.  And besides, it took more than three months for my dislike to grow into a healthy loathing.)  But ok, fine.  Loathe Obama if you want, pundits.  But, for the love of Cruise, don’t attempt to justify your loathing as based upon anything sensible. Because none of your arguments are sensible, and you’re succeeding only in making yourself look like raving jackholes.

If you really think that Bush, who screwed almost everything up, including the economy, for 8 years is not to blame —not even a little bit–for the current economic crisis that Obama is attempting to fix, then please go die in a fire.

If you think that in the 100 days Obama has been in office, Obama has caused this recession depression, then you need to raise your hand and slap yourself with it.

If you think that Obama is raising taxes on you–you who makes less than $250,000 a year–and you are so outraged by it that you feel the need to hold ridiculous “Teabagger Parties” when, in fact, most of the idiot teabaggers are the exact people who will benefit from Obama’s tax policies, then you should just jump into the harbor after your tea. And while you’re at it, just go ahead and inhale a nice big lungful of water. If you make less than $250,000 a year, your taxes will not be raised; so basically, you’re dumping tea to show solidarity for the rich people who will see their tax rate rise a teensy bit.  Makes sense?  No.  Of course not.  Dummies.

The Teabagger Parties were an embarrassment.  They turned into nothing but an excoriation of Obama himself. He’s black! He’s Muslim! He doesn’t have an American birth certificate! He wants to subject all white folks to white slavery! He’s Hitler! Or Mussolini! Or Stalin!  Or a terrorist! Or the Manchurian Candidate!  Everyone grab your tea bags and let’s dump them on the ground!  But we better dump them on a tarp on the ground so the clean up process won’t be so burdensome!  That’s how hardcore we are–exactly zero percent hardcore!

The message of these Teabaggers was, essentially:

“We’re here, we’re anti-queer, don’t jail us for littering!”

What the hell is wrong with you, GOP? I get it. Your guy lost. You wanted Peepaw and the Incredible Winking Wolf Huntress to win, and because you got your asses handed to you by That Black Guy, now you’re in panic mode.  You’re doing mental donuts in the proverbial parking lot.  You’re sending the likes of Rush Limbaugh to speak for your party by saying stupid shit like “I hope he fails.”

Thanks Rush, you traitor.  You are a traitor, you know–at least by your own standards.  When you say you hope Obama fails, you are saying that you hope this country fails. And you can bet your fat sweaty ass, that if any Democrat had issued those words in reference to Bush, you would have demanded that person be tried and convicted of treason, and then sent to the gallows or the guillotine or whatever the fuck it is we do with traitors nowadays.

I remember back in 2001, how grossly unpatriotic it was to dare say “I don’t support this war.” We invaded the wrong fucking country, for crying out loud, but if you didn’t fall in line with the “true patriots” and “real Americans” (you know, like the ones who live in the “real Virginia,” not that hedonistic Northern Virginia which is where all the government employees and Sodomites live) then you were labeled “un-American.”  But magically, 8 years later, it’s peachy keen when one of the Republicans’ most bloviating talking heads, and the seeming leader of the party, hopes for the failure of this country, all the while spewing such disgusting hate and filth that somewhere some racist asshole or Timothy McVeigh-type is already stockpiling weapons and lynchin’ ropes.

Here’s a taste of what Rush has said:

“Of course [the teabaggers] want [Obama] to fail!“

“The dirty little secret … is that every Republican in this country wants Obama to fail, but none of them have the guts to say so; I am willing to say it.”

“It’s irresponsible to now say you hope Obama succeeds.“

“We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles … because his father was black.”

What’s even more disgusting is that the GOP is lapping this shit up!  Republicans who have dared call Rush’s “I hope he fails” sentiment ridiculous have turned around and apologized to the Republican Overlord.  The most egregious example is token negro RNC Chairman Michael Steele.  Mr. Steele, you take the term “brown noser” to that ‘notha level.

So to celebrate this 100 Day Extravaganza, turns out Fox didn’t show up to the party. Fox is the only network that did not preempt its regularly scheduled programming to air Obama’s 100 Days press conference. I mean, what the crap, Fox?   All the other channels and their subsidiary channels aired it.  NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, ABC, CNN, CSPAN, Lifetime Movie Network—basically every other damn channel but you.

Oh, but thanks! You aired it on Fox News, right in the middle of the program on Fox (Regular) which you refused to preempt for Obama’s press conference.  I’m sure the ticker tape underneath the Fox News broadcast of the press conference read something ridiculous like

“Obama!  Is he getting fat or what?”

Besides, how many Fox viewers are going to watch that debil Obama speaking on the TV about his Musliminess, his hatred of America, and the upcoming terrorist attacks (which Obama is surely personally financing) when they could be watching Lie to Me, or American Idol, or How Much Would It Take for You to Marry This Midget, or whatever the crap was regularly scheduled?  The answer is none.

And if Fox viewers didn’t watch his press conference how are all them white peoples gonna know where and at what time they should report for cotton picking duty?  It will be madness.  Shenanigans, even.  I, for one, was personally promised a white slave at our last Black People Club meeting.  I’ve got all my paperwork.  Angry Black Lady wants her a Subservient White Slave, and as Barack is my witness, I’m gonna get me one. This bottle of scotch isn’t going to pour itself into my mouth.  I’ll make you a deal, Rush.  You fix mommy a cocktail, and I’ll rustle up some Oxycontin for you.  Everybody wins.

Bonus: Watch this video.  It’s funny.