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Angry Black Lady Chronicles

Pay your respects to Chairman Maobama!  Start goose-stepping!

ts-barackAs you may have guessed by now, the Angry Black Lady is a kneejerk, bleeding heart liberal. I cried when Obama was elected because just a year earlier during the Clinton/Obama primaries, I’d been talking to my mother, and she said “There’s no way in hell he’ll win the primary.”

Now for a little background, my mom is awesome, amazing, and brilliant. And, she doesn’t take too kindly to bullshit. (Perhaps this is why I became a lawyer–much to her chagrin–to hone my bullshit skills.) For 20 years, this sweet yet cynical middle-aged Jewish woman (she calls herself a “reformed Jew”) has refused to vote because, essentially “the whole system sucks and I don’t want any part of it.”

“They’re all crooks!”

is her battle cry. After Obama won the Democratic Party nomination, my mom said,

“Well there’s no way they’re going to elect a black man president. No way.”

And, when my mom voted in this election for the first time in over twenty years; she made sure to tell me she wasn’t so much voting for Obama as she was against McCain whom she described as “pure evil.”  But I was proud of her anyway.

A little more background on my mother might be required here:

She grew up during the McCarthy era, and saw her father, my grandfather, fired from his job as a teacher in the Philadelphia School District because my grandfather refused to “name names” (i.e., call out other “commies” with whom my grandparents had associated themselves.)  Yes, my grandparents were “socialists”… as were many liberals at that time.  Why?  Because Joe McCarthy was an asshole.

So, you see, I come from a long line of socialist/leftie librulz.  My mom married a black man.  In 1967. How much more pinko can you get?  And while I love me some soup dumplings, that’s about as far as my ties to communism go.  But back then, it didn’t matter; if you were communist or socialist or liberal or Jewish or black, you were the enemy–anti-American–and you were fired or blacklisted and generally outcast from society.

ts-no-liberals

Well my mom was proven wrong–we did elect a black guy.  So here we are. It’s “Assess Obama’s First 100 Days” time.   Everyone is grading him.  And they’re all stupid because the only sensible grade is “Incomplete.” He’s completed 100 days, but he still has 1,360 days to go.  What if he fails AP Foreign Policy?  IF you give him an “A” now, his hopes might be dashed later.  Who’s running this school anyway?

Well, without having watched any of the coverage yet, I’m going to guess that liberal pundits give him stellar marks; and the conservative pundits think that he’s royally screwing up and that we’re going to be attacked by communist pigs from outer space any fucking minute now.

It is clear from the far right media pundits (Hannity, Beck, Coulter, anyone on Fox News) that fools on the far right don’t understand the difference between socialism, communism, and fascism.  What they do understand is “LoatheObamaism.”  (Their loathing is irrational, To Me In My Opinion.  I mean, I loathe Bush, but that’s because Bush sucked monkey balls and caused this mess we’re in now.  And besides, it took more than three months for my dislike to grow into a healthy loathing.)  But ok, fine.  Loathe Obama if you want, pundits.  But, for the love of Cruise, don’t attempt to justify your loathing as based upon anything sensible. Because none of your arguments are sensible, and you’re succeeding only in making yourself look like raving jackholes.

ts-george-bush-eats-a-kittenIf you really think that Bush, who screwed almost everything up, including the economy, for 8 years is not to blame —not even a little bit–for the current economic crisis that Obama is attempting to fix, then please go die in a fire.

If you think that in the 100 days Obama has been in office, Obama has caused this recession depression, then you need to raise your hand and slap yourself with it.

If you think that Obama is raising taxes on you–you who makes less than $250,000 a year–and you are so outraged by it that you feel the need to hold ridiculous “Teabagger Parties” when, in fact, most of the idiot teabaggers are the exact people who will benefit from Obama’s tax policies, then you should just jump into the harbor after your tea. And while you’re at it, just go ahead and inhale a nice big lungful of water. If you make less than $250,000 a year, your taxes will not be raised; so basically, you’re dumping tea to show solidarity for the rich people who will see their tax rate rise a teensy bit.  Makes sense?  No.  Of course not.  Dummies.

ts-teabaggers

The Teabagger Parties were an embarrassment.  They turned into nothing but an excoriation of Obama himself. He’s black! He’s Muslim! He doesn’t have an American birth certificate! He wants to subject all white folks to white slavery! He’s Hitler! Or Mussolini! Or Stalin!  Or a terrorist! Or the Manchurian Candidate!  Everyone grab your tea bags and let’s dump them on the ground!  But we better dump them on a tarp on the ground so the clean up process won’t be so burdensome!  That’s how hardcore we are–exactly zero percent hardcore!

The message of these Teabaggers was, essentially:

“We’re here, we’re anti-queer, don’t jail us for littering!”

ts-geezerWhat the hell is wrong with you, GOP? I get it. Your guy lost. You wanted Peepaw and the Incredible Winking Wolf Huntress to win, and because you got your asses handed to you by That Black Guy, now you’re in panic mode.  You’re doing mental donuts in the proverbial parking lot.  You’re sending the likes of Rush Limbaugh to speak for your party by saying stupid shit like “I hope he fails.”

Thanks Rush, you traitor.  You are a traitor, you know–at least by your own standards.  When you say you hope Obama fails, you are saying that you hope this country fails. And you can bet your fat sweaty ass, that if any Democrat had issued those words in reference to Bush, you would have demanded that person be tried and convicted of treason, and then sent to the gallows or the guillotine or whatever the fuck it is we do with traitors nowadays.

ts-antiwar_freedomrulesI remember back in 2001, how grossly unpatriotic it was to dare say “I don’t support this war.” We invaded the wrong fucking country, for crying out loud, but if you didn’t fall in line with the “true patriots” and “real Americans” (you know, like the ones who live in the “real Virginia,” not that hedonistic Northern Virginia which is where all the government employees and Sodomites live) then you were labeled “un-American.”  But magically, 8 years later, it’s peachy keen when one of the Republicans’ most bloviating talking heads, and the seeming leader of the party, hopes for the failure of this country, all the while spewing such disgusting hate and filth that somewhere some racist asshole or Timothy McVeigh-type is already stockpiling weapons and lynchin’ ropes.

Here’s a taste of what Rush has said:

“Of course [the teabaggers] want [Obama] to fail!

“The dirty little secret … is that every Republican in this country wants Obama to fail, but none of them have the guts to say so; I am willing to say it.”

“It’s irresponsible to now say you hope Obama succeeds.

“We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles … because his father was black.” ts-brown-nose

What’s even more disgusting is that the GOP is lapping this shit up!  Republicans who have dared call Rush’s “I hope he fails” sentiment ridiculous have turned around and apologized to the Republican Overlord.  The most egregious example is token negro RNC Chairman Michael Steele.  Mr. Steele, you take the term “brown noser” to that ‘notha level.

So to celebrate this 100 Day Extravaganza, turns out Fox didn’t show up to the party. Fox is the only network that did not preempt its regularly scheduled programming to air Obama’s 100 Days press conference. I mean, what the crap, Fox?   All the other channels and their subsidiary channels aired it.  NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, ABC, CNN, CSPAN, Lifetime Movie Network—basically every other damn channel but you.

Oh, but thanks! You aired it on Fox News, right in the middle of the program on Fox (Regular) which you refused to preempt for Obama’s press conference.  I’m sure the ticker tape underneath the Fox News broadcast of the press conference read something ridiculous like

“Obama!  Is he getting fat or what?”

Besides, how many Fox viewers are going to watch that debil Obama speaking on the TV about his Musliminess, his hatred of America, and the upcoming terrorist attacks (which Obama is surely personally financing) when they could be watching Lie to Me, or American Idol, or How Much Would It Take for You to Marry This Midget, or whatever the crap was regularly scheduled?  The answer is none.ts-faux-news-poster

And if Fox viewers didn’t watch his press conference how are all them white peoples gonna know where and at what time they should report for cotton picking duty?  It will be madness.  Shenanigans, even.  I, for one, was personally promised a white slave at our last Black People Club meeting.  I’ve got all my paperwork.  Angry Black Lady wants her a Subservient White Slave, and as Barack is my witness, I’m gonna get me one. This bottle of scotch isn’t going to pour itself into my mouth.  I’ll make you a deal, Rush.  You fix mommy a cocktail, and I’ll rustle up some Oxycontin for you.  Everybody wins.


Bonus: Watch this video.  It’s funny.



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April 30, 2009 - Posted by | Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Politiks | , , , , , , , ,

35 Comments »

  1. Is it still slavery if I volunteer for the job? I just want an excuse to hang out with your mom, because she sounds like a really awesome lady.

    By the way, the pic of Bush eating pussy is killing me.

    Comment by Helen Skor | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  2. I am not allowed to read this whole thing right now, thanks boss. But I have to high five you for seeing that your granddad was the Li’l Kim of his time. Very cool!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  3. Commence slow claps! STM, that was fuckin epic, in the best way ever possible. Ever. I want to print this out and tack it above my desk.

    Comment by HolyChow | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  4. Nice job!

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  5. Bloody brilliant, STM.
    *Joins slow clap*

    Comment by Stay, see? | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  6. *also joins slow clap*

    Actually, I’m not really a slow clapper.

    *Pours you more scotch*

    That’s better 😛

    Comment by TheHobo | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  7. What would happen if Rush got oxytocin instead of oxycontin?

    Comment by WhoMee | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  8. WhoMee: He might give birth to more asinine ideas.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  9. OK so I read this article and it was brilliant, and I don’t want to take anything away from that… but as I finish reading all I can think of is how bad I want soup dumplings.

    Comment by silent noodles | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  10. You don’t have to be for George Bush to dislike Obama.
    I dislike both. Fox News did not preempt the speech
    because that’s the channel that I watch it on speech #400 in 100 days.Nobody bloviating like Obama it takes him 1000 words to answer a yes or no question and you still don’t know the answer when he’s done. It also seems to me that black Americans always bring up race(why they don’t like us?
    why do you care if whites like you or not?)

    Comment by chelsea | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  11. chelsea- you’re right. you don’t have to be for george bush to dislike obama. i thinks it’s illogical to loathe obama at this early stage in his presidency. i disliked bush from the get go. and then grew to loathe him.

    and you’re also right that Fox News aired the speech. but Fox, the regular broadcast channel, did not.

    in my view, black Americans are focused on race right now because it is historic that the US elected a black president. just as i imagine if hillary clinton had won, the focus would be on feminism and women’s issues.

    as for obama’s bloviating, yeah sure. the man talks a lot. he’s a lawyer. we talk a lot (as evidenced by the length of my post.) the difference is i think obama knows what he’s talking about, and if he doesn’t, he’ll take the time to find out; whereas george bush could barely string a sentence together and didn’t really seem to care that he’s an idiot.

    finally, i’m not sure that black people care whether white people like us or not. america’s long history cemented the notion in many black people’s mind that white people don’t like them, which is obviously an overgeneralization, but it’s not completely insensible considering current and historic race relations in this country.

    i personally don’t care if white people like me or not. i just think that everyone, no matter what race or ethnicity should be given an equal opportunity to succeed. and if you don’t like me, you should come up with a non-racist or non-ethnophobic reason for your dislike.

    i don’t mean you personally, i mean people in general.

    -stm

    Comment by stopthemadness | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  12. Well, it’s a good thing I hate white folks! Stupid crackers!

    Comment by Mae | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  13. all that being said, i’m glad to be black and jewish, because i can tell black and jewish jokes, and it’s ok.

    🙂

    Comment by stopthemadness | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  14. I don’t know any good cracker jew jokes. 😦

    Comment by Mae | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  15. what’s the difference between a pizza and a jew!? the pizza doesn’t scream in the oven. hohohohoho!

    *for anyone who will be offended, i’m a jew. i get a free jew joke pass.

    Comment by Mae | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  16. I think a lot of white people don’t like black people.
    and black people to me don’t seem to not like whites very much.
    people know that they should have freedom of association but with all the laws that the U.S.A. has to bring them together, seems to be driving them apart.success is the great equalizer, whatever success means to you.
    nothing makes people happier than to succeed money, power, diet, fame, goals,in every success story there are great roadblocks to over come. The Fuller brush man went door to door selling brushes during the depression and became one of the great businesses of the 20th century.if it was not hard enough to start during the depression he was also a black man.
    to me there is no excuse for not achieving your goals, excuses are just that excuses
    I said I disliked Obama but no one can denigh his success
    whoever you are be GOAL oriented

    Comment by chelsea | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  17. i’ll give that comment an “amen!”

    update: i’ll give the “be goal oriented” part an amen!

    Comment by stopthemadness | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  18. I can tell y’all this – you’ve never seen backwards race relations (no, really) until you have lived in New Orleans.

    It boggles the mind.

    Comment by Cait | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  19. My aunt had kids with two black men, one much lighter than the other, and raised children who were half black and half white, and in doing so, became a white hater. Which kills me because, hello, look in the mirror, and stop hating yourself. Also, her two youngest don’t look the least bit black. One never tries to say she is, and the other says he is and people go, really? But somehow, the whole family apparently discriminates against them all the time. In reality, the whole family has done more for my aunt than anyone else in the family, because the men she happened to pick also happened to be drug addicts.

    I hate when the race card is played though…no, we don’t hate Uncle Prick because he’s black. We hate him because he’s an addict who treats you like total shit.

    Sigh.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  20. It’s the opposite in my family, Hobo – my cousin’s husband is black. We don’t care. He’s awesome. They’re awesome together. Everyone wins, right?

    Nope. His parents disowned him for marrying a white woman.

    It’s utter crap – they’ve been together for 8 years now, and they’re completely devoted to one another. They’re wise enough to realize that you love who you love, regardless of color, culture or hell, even gender.

    But our mayor? Yeah, he’s a racist bastage. The amount of race card fuckery in this city is astounding.

    Comment by Cait | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  21. Is this the same Chelsea that wrote on her fb page ” Good news real fat people will no longer get to share my seat on planes ,I hope .

    :::rolls over and dies:::

    Comment by cooter jean | April 30, 2009 | Reply

  22. yes it is and

    Comment by chelsea | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  23. Chelsea: Huh? A.C. Fuller was a white Canadian.

    http://tbn0.google.com/hosted/images/c?q=8a10d1d05ab8f075_landing

    That’s him in the foreground.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  24. I’m a big fan of Obama, but there is one thing that is making me hesitate in lauding his first 100 days. That is his unwillingness to prosecute ANYONE in this whole water boarding-gate(I like Keith Olbermann’s putting gate at the end of scandals). I served in the Army from 2000-2004 and did a year in Iraq. I can understand not prosecuting the lower ranks for their participation, I know the reason “I was just following orders” isn’t a good excuse, but as an insider, I understand the futility of speaking up against something you know to be inherently illegal or immoral. However, Officers who complied with these orders(including executive orders) had not only the ability, but the DUTY to protest this activity. Now, there are a couple of army privates and specialists (next highest rank after Private for non military folk) in prison for doing what they were ordered by their superior officers to do. while no one in the upper echelons is being even investigated as of yet. Mr. Obama has the right idea by saying it’s Mr. Holden’s domain, however I think he should be putting some pressure and some resources Mr. Holden’s way to make sure this happens. I can’t help but get an ominous feeling when I hear the president tip-toe around the torture issue. Yes, Mr. Obama great job on stating that water boarding is torture, and great job on releasing those memos, but I (and I’m sure others) would like to see some follow through. Brilliant post STM!

    Comment by drgnsldr | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  25. Oh Cait, that’s horrible! We’d love someone who was devoted to my aunt.

    Love is good. Love doesn’t see color or race or sexual orientation. Why are people so afraid of love?

    Comment by TheHobo | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  26. When I voted for him, Obama seemed like he’d be disturbing the status quo in every arena. But he got hoodwinked, in my opinion, into bailing out banks and other large corporations, when they need to die and allow the next gen to fluorish. He’s also a weenie if he lets illegal activity by ANYONE go unpunished. Who the fuck cares whether someone used to be at a high level of government? That person is and was a citizen and EVERY SINGLE law applies to that person as much as it applies to me.

    I’m actually really pissed off about the debate over whether to prosecute. YES, YOU FUCKHEADS! PROSECUTE! And then move on, having cleaned up our nation’s integrity. We’ll all be better off for it. I promise.

    Joke: What do you call a basement full of JAP’s? A whine cellar!

    I grew up with Jews, so I’m an honorary Jew. A Hinjew.

    Comment by WhoMee | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  27. Hinjew.

    pure genius.

    Comment by stopthemadness | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  28. Hey Mae, I think I may have found the only funny white joke in existence.

    Q) What did the white woman make for dinner?

    A) Reservations

    Comment by drgnsldr | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  29. drgnsldr: They exist in the form of WASP jokes (White, Anglo-Saxon Protestants).

    For instance:

    What’s a WASP’s idea of affirmative action? Hiring a French Au Pair.

    What do you call a WASP with a four-inch penis? Well hung.

    What’s an American WASP’s idea of open-mindedness? Dating a Canadian.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | May 1, 2009 | Reply

  30. I am wrong about the company name it was not fuller brush it was fuller products company. Samuel B Fuller by the 1950s he was the richest african american and a believer of economic independence
    http://www.issues-views.com/index.php?print=1&article=1003

    Comment by chelsea | May 2, 2009 | Reply

  31. Also, wouldn’t most blonde jokes be “white” jokes (Albinos, not withstanding)?

    Comment by shu_shu | May 2, 2009 | Reply

  32. Albinos and Amber Rose, of course.

    That’s right, I’m the only person alive who knows the name of Kanye West’s girlfriend off the top of my head.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | May 2, 2009 | Reply

  33. That is tragic, bfm.

    Comment by Mae | May 3, 2009 | Reply

  34. Also,

    I’d like to take this opportunity to say, I for one, enjoyed not having Lie to me preempted.

    I will be your white slave. But, I can’t promise I won’t sneak shots of your Scotch whenever you’re not looking.

    Comment by Mae | May 3, 2009 | Reply

  35. Mae, lie to me is quickly becoming one of my new favorites.

    Comment by Helen Skor | May 4, 2009 | Reply


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