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I Hate Things

Children Editionts-i-hate-children-they-annoy-me

Children. I really fucking hate children. I like my niece, she’s 12. And I’ve always liked her because she has always been (albeit shockingly) well mannered and courteous growing up, considering her mom and dad (my brother) are a bunch of divorced fucking idiots. I like my kid, but then again that could be because I gave her up for (open) adoption at birth. She may very well be an asshole. She is my kid after all, but I digress.

I really hate the noises children emit.

I’m not just talking about actual children; I’m also referring to adults who act like children, like those shit-for-brains commenters over at redstate.com, and I quote:

“Other than that, I made sure I flushed my toilet twice instead of once all day long. Sort of an imaginary waterboarding of Reid, Pelosi, Durban, etc.”

Really? They are worse than Rosassins.

I am so sick of the neoconservative, staunchest of Republicans-the most ignorant of people- being all “Neener, neener! We’ll get you Obama and liberal tree hugging Democrats!” News flash: YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A CHILD! ACTING A FOOL! Seriously, stop and think for a second. Who are you hurting when you flush your toilet twice instead of once? Who sees you doing it? Who knows you have every light in your house on–including the lights in closets–but you? You are acting CRAZY!!!!!! CRAZY!!!!!! When I see and/or hear an adult acting a fool I want to snatch them up and shake the shit out of them. I’m not worried about the state of the country (or world) right now, but I am so glad I am only going to live to the ripe old age of 40 because I don’t want to be around when the spawn of these ass clowns grow up and are put in charge.


This brings me back to “real” children.

The noises children make are the vilest and most repulsive noises I have ever heard in my life. I would rather listen to a thousand cats in heat than listen to an infant or toddler screaming and wailing. I’ve been known to change the station when a child is crying on the television and to leave a room if a child is screaming. I don’t even like being around children. On Easter, my loser cousin and his degenerate, welfare leeching girlfriend came over with their newborn, and I had this overwhelming sense of disgust wash over me just having the baby in plain sight. I’m pretty sure if I would have looked in a mirror, I would have seen that I had a snarl on my face the whole time. I know I rolled my eyes when they walked in. (By the way, readers in Michigan, you’ll be happy to know that these two assholes are high school drop-outs, with no jobs and are happily living off government assistance. Happily.

I will save that topic for another day though.

I was in the grocery store and there was a 7 maybe 8 year old boy screaming and crying bloody murder and it made me want to choke slam him and his mother. And of course they had to be going down every aisle I had to grab items from. At one point, this bratty little turd screamed and cried and went to the next aisle (the one I was grabbing taco shells from of course) and threw himself down in the middle of the aisle and laid there wailing, all the while his mom was two aisles over with her “mom selective hearing” on. I was thisclose to finding his mother and asking her “Seriously, what the fuck is your problem and how shitty of a parent do you have to be to raise a child so out of control and spoiled as that?” Both of them are on my list of “People who deserve to be publicly bricked.”

ts-kidsAnd while I’m on the topic, moms, stop turning your “mom selective hearing” on in public when your child is acting a fool. I don’t want to listen to your child wailing, and no one else wants to listen to it either. Have some courtesy, will ya?

Oh, speaking of asshole parents and children, the boyfriend and I went to a bar for lunch on Sunday, and there was an early 30-something couple with their two daughters at the bar. Their daughters were all of two and three. And when we arrived, they had to-go boxes, so you know they had been there for at least an hour already. Their daughters were screaming, crying and flailing the whole time. And we were there for the longest hour of my life. The parents were too preoccupied with playing Keno and Pull tabs 30,000 times to realize they looked like a bunch of assholes. We overheard the father say “Isn’t this fun?” It took all of me to hold myself back from saying “No, it’s not fun for the rest of us who have to listen to your snot buckets cry and whine!” People, please stop taking your children to bars. (I’m looking at you boyfriend’s brother and brother’s girlfriend. Stop it! She’s three! It’s a bowling alley bar!) Bars are where people go to escape their families.

Now, if only more children could be like my niece or these kids,

or this kid,

I wouldn’t hate everything so much.

*I don’t hate those kids, which brings my “I don’t hate” total up to eight.


April 23, 2009 - Posted by | A Word from Mae, I Hate Things | , , , , , , ,


  1. im gonna send you an i hate kids cupcake. would that make your head explode?

    Comment by madb | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  2. i think most of us cynical, childless people can relate, we’ve all been in a restaurant/store where the kids are making a racket that can and will wake the dead, and the parents are at the eye of the storm like its a peaceful sunday alone with their favorite book or vibrator!

    they should be more considerate of others, and possibly have more ‘hand to ass’ talks with their kids.

    ‘smack the shit out of your kids, they deserve it’

    and: ‘if you cant beat ’em, dont have ’em!’


    Comment by king_aaron | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  3. My head did just explode!

    Comment by Mae | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  4. i think brains and cupcakes would be yummy. It would give it that slight tart it needs

    Comment by madb | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  5. Kids’ whines and cries are *supposed* to irritate, agitate and generally make your hair stand on end. Esp. newborns’ quavery little wails. It’s evolution’s way of getting exhausted parents motivated to get up off the comfy pile of furs (or couch)and attend to them. Otherwise we would have died off many generations ago.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  6. SeaKat has a point.

    And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind everyone: evolution is against you.

    1) it makes you fat
    2) it makes you pick sexual/breeding partners based of criteria doomed to make you unhappy
    3) it makes office jobs nearly unbearable (suppressing flight or fight instincts is why people look at kittens on the internet — if we could literally run around the office I think we’d all be happier)
    4) and it makes children have the kind of voices that would make you kill said kitten (if only they weren’t so damn cute!)
    5) it makes you respond to cute things like kittens, which is why cats are taking over the world

    I’m sure there are other reasons why evolution is against you, but I can’t think of them right now. I’m gonna go look at LOLcats.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  7. I don’t get how parents don’t get embarassed when their kids are acting a fool in public. My son is normally very well behaved, occasionally he’ll be super hyper and doing something he shouldn’t be doing, and I’ll be talking to a sales person and it will take a few minutes (or a snide remark from someone else) before I realize EXACTLY what he’s doing. But then I usually apologize (profusely at times) and he gets warned. I couldn’t tolerate children going crazy in public before I had mine, and I’d hate to make anyone else endure it because of my child.

    Note: Hyperness leading to misbehaving (such as running around a store) usually gets a warning; it’s normally my fault for making him do “boring” things too long. Screaming, crying, and general fit throwing – we leave. Whatever we’re in the middle of, we leave.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  8. Totally agree with you AdAd. I am MORTIFIED when my kids act up in public. Luckily, the eldest is usually pretty good — and I think that’s because she KNOWS that I will leave the store and do a time out in the car if she’s acting up. The baby — well, she loves people-watching, so she’s usually easier in public!

    Unfortunately, you can’t always tell when it’s just crappy parenting and when it’s a developmental disorder like autism.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  9. I hate it when the children drink my last beer.

    I only put up with them for the geriatric home care that they will be obligated to provide for me some day soon.

    Comment by queencrone | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  10. i’ve gotta say my attitude and patience with children has changed 100% since i’ve had my own. but on that note mine is relatively well behaved because he’s disciplined when he acts out.

    what gets me is the parents who complain “my kid hits me won’t sleep won’t eat won’t listen talks back but i don’t believe in (long list of reasonable disciplinary actions)” and they STILL don’t get the connection between BAD ASS KID and their lack of parenting skills.

    Comment by lava | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  11. The other day I had to wait an hour in a car rental place and some kid was screaming so loud that it literally gave me chills and made me nauseous….that kid has some crazy powers… I am pretty sure that day my ovaries shriveled and died.

    Comment by silent noodles | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  12. As long as they all stay off my lawn, I’m good.

    Comment by queencrone | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  13. – TheHobo, I hate evolution then. Evolution can suck it! SUCK IT EVOLUTION!

    I kind of thought at least birthing a kid would give me more patience and understanding, like my “mom dimmer” would at least turn on and up half way. Nope, if anything I think it’s pissed me off more because I had a great figure pre-kid, not my lower region has it’s own zip code and I have to wear mom jeans to tuck my fat in.

    QC, that’s just evil of them. I hope it’s not your La Fin du Monde!

    I have a friend who believes in “alternative parenting” in that, they do not discipline their sons. When they act out they tell them if they behave they’ll be rewarded. I hate their kids. HATE! I hate them too for being such idiots. I feel sorry for the women (or men, who knows?) who enter into relationships with these two boys when they are older.

    I wanted to kick the boy in the face. It was in a perfect position with him laying it on the floor. Not only did the kid and his parent annoy me for his behaviour, but laying on a dirty grocery store floor, EW! GAG! GROSS!

    Comment by Mae | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  14. Mae-No, my La Fin is safe. They don’t want to die a horrible, untimely death. They know I’ll do it, too. 🙂

    Comment by queencrone | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  15. Yes, join me on my Evolution Revolution!

    Actually, there is only one way to counter everything that evolution is supposedly responsible for…keep evolving! Which means natural selection. Sadly, which means Idiocracy is actually more likely to be our future.

    Yeah, I was right the first time. Evolution sucks.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  16. There’s this child who comes into the bar I work at all the time, who is probably 5 years old, and is a straight up bitch. I realize it’s unusual to use that term to refer to a child. Believe me, it applies.

    Her mother is super duper sweet and always says please and thank you to me, after her fucking 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER throws a tantrum and sends back her SPECIALLY MADE OFF-MENU pasta. All this, AFTER she talks down to me, her mother, and her uncle, as if we’re wasting her time.

    I don’t even know how, at 5 years old, one would know how to condescend. I want to put that little snot in a second hand sweatsuit and throw her in the yard until she makes a damn mud castle and stops acting like Paris Hilton.

    End rant.

    Comment by vodkafanta | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  17. There was this evil 5ish year old girl at the food court in the mall not too long ago who was being a serious raging cuntface. She was smacking her little brother, talking back to her mother, throwing food everywhere, and being, well, a cuntface. So I gave her the eye. You know the one – the wicked mom-eye that her own mother seemed to lack. Anyway, this child must have seen Jesus when she looked over at me, because she behaved for the rest of the meal. I could tell her mom was surprised but grateful for her sudden change in behavior.

    And with that, I realized that if I ever get around to having kids, I will be “the mean parent.”

    Comment by Helen Skor | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  18. Snotbucket!!! hillarious! growing up, everyone in public used to tell my mom how my siblings and I were so well behaved, of course that was due to the one time I acted out in public when I was four and got my ass smacked! I figured as I got older that if my mom could beat the shit out me in front of my principal at school, she’d do it at the restaurant too. I wasn’t a well behaved child(far from it) I just didn’t want to get dropkicked in front of other people. In private, I was a douche of a kid, in public I was a saint.

    And Hobo, it took me watching Idiocracy twice before I laughed the first two times scared the living shit out of me because I saw the nugget of truth in it. although I look forward to the day Starbucks offers “full body lattes”! ha!

    Comment by drgnsldr | April 23, 2009 | Reply

  19. It’s got what plants crave…

    Comment by TheHobo | April 24, 2009 | Reply

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