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GOOPing

In which Gwyneth Paltrow critiques your Inner Aspect

Each week, GOOP falls into a certain category: Do, Make, Go, Be, See, and Get. Well, last week’s installment is the first “Get” I’ve come across, and it’s deliciously infuriating. It’s like the filet mignon at the rage buffet; the foie gras in the I-Hate-You Bistro; the butter and goose fat at Gwyneth’s dining table.

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth advises us how we can keep our spring wardrobe in keeping with the demands of 2009. And surprisingly, we don’t have to break the bank to do it! (N.B.: This is only the case if your bank is unusually large. If you have less than $1,000 to spend on a season that lasts about 3 weeks, you are reading the wrong newsletter.)

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Gwyneth’s first recommendation is to go shopping in your own closet. Presumably because stirrup pants are coming back into style? Otherwise there is no reason to unearth the relics that lay under the boxes in there.

Now, if that failed to yield the treasures you need to get through the season, Gwyneth recommends a few basic purchases to spruce yourself up.

A Nautical Stripe T-Shirt

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Perfect for all sizes and figures, this box-shaped unstructured top is sure to bring out your best features! The horizontal stripes accentuate a large bust and waist for maximum impact. Finally, the shirt of your dreams: the shirt that will make all your other shirts better by comparison.

Ethnic Prints

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Are you constantly looking for a way to appear as though you’ve travelled the world, without ever actually having to “go” anywhere? These ethnic dresses are the perfect solution! You can have all the allure of someone who has seen the world, without actually having to eat strange food or talk to people different from yourself. Available at douchebaggy, ethnocentric stores nationwide. NOTE: Arguably as figure-flattering as the Nautical Stripe T-Shirt… you go girl!

Slouchy Trousers

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Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “I have enough ill-fitting pants that make my ass look bad, thankyouverymuch.” But these are different! They’re not pants! They’re trousers. And as such, they are stylish. Ipso facto. Case closed. Bonus points for pairing them with an “ethnic print” top for a look that’s both shapeless, and clueless.

AND FINALLY, THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE:

The Jumpsuit

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Have you ever dreamed that your pants and your shirt could one day be attached? It has always seemed too good to be true. But now, here it is. The jumpsuit: the only piece of clothing today that can look this ridiculous, while also hindering your ability to pee. It’s multipurpose! I recommend wearing the one with tapered legs, because it looks like a Hammerpants Unitard.


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April 20, 2009 - Posted by | GOOPing | , ,

12 Comments »

  1. All those outfits are missing one thing. Chunky belts. Then you can cinch it.

    Comment by cookiebees | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  2. This is the best thing I’ve ever read. Worldly! Globalization!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  3. Jump suits should only be worn by firemen and astronauts. I guess I’m just bitter about my short legs.

    Comment by cookiebees | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  4. omg, I think I peed. That was SO funny! Definitely the best GOOP yet…

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  5. Those are really perky boobs. She’s in her late 30s now, isn’g she?

    Comment by Run-DMS | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  6. It’s because she doesn’t eat white foods, which are known to sag your boobs. Also Tracy created a workout routine for her boobs. And it’s so easy! And fun!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  7. “it’s like the filet mignon at the rage buffet.”

    so.good.

    Comment by DonnaMartin | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  8. bfm – I hear you don’t have to sweat at all…

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  9. This was awesome.

    Ditto, D.M. ” filet mignon at the rage buffet” was killer.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  10. Cookiebees, that is my solution to everything!
    You just hafta cinch it. Just cinch it!

    Comment by Sarah | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  11. CINCH IT!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 20, 2009 | Reply

  12. cinch it good!

    Comment by TheHobo | April 20, 2009 | Reply


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