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Self-Proclaimed Guru Edition

It’s not often that one listens to someone speak and feels the immediate and overwhelming urge to rip that person’s smug face off, but somehow Lisa and Mr. (#1) have managed to find two men that fit that bill.  They make me positively Mae-like. I want to brick their faces then rip them off, or possibly just claw them off using scrubby bath mitts. Whatever!  The point is, I want to harm them both. The only problem is, in real life your enemies don’t politely line up and allow you to kick their asses one at a time, and I don’t know whose face to brick (or severely scrub) first.  So, we’ll let you decide who gets to go first.


Aleksey Vayner, for whom impossible is nothing.

or this dude, Mr. It Took Me 25 Years to Design My Business Card?


Thanks, Lisa and Mr. (#1)…I think…

[poll id=”27″]


April 17, 2009 - Posted by | Doosh Watch 2009 | , , , ,


  1. “Believe beyond any reasonable doubt that you will achieve your goals?” Doesn’t that kind of… I mean. If your doubt is reasonable… he is saying to lie to yourself?

    His message is no more original than putting “Fu*k the haterz!” on a motivational poster.

    But then, business cards guy seems like the last guy you want to end up next to on long flight. At least you could get Aleksey to stop bothering you and write you off as a human being if you tell him he can never achieve getting the flight attendant to give him unlimited free peanuts.

    I thought he would be harmless but he came from behind with dooshier comments than I’ve ever heard…my vote: The Doosh! Guaranteed! What does Aleksey do guaranteed!!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  2. bfm: That was awesome. I humbly request you be my second.

    Comment by Lily the Pink | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  3. Aren’t you married? I’ll consider being your third.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  4. I am aghast at Biz Card Dooosh. Even if they don’t like you, they’ll keep your card.

    Well, I think you can GUARANTEE at least one part of that statement, jackass.

    Worst of all, he could have done a FAR better job on the card.

    Really, if he wanted to truly represent himself, he could have:
    * printed his bona fides on the contents of a Summer’s Eve box.
    * branded his phone number on a donkey’s nethers.
    * embossed his info on the dip of a dildo.

    These are just off of the top of my head, buddy. Sheesh.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  5. SeaKat: Yeah, I kind of think if you’re going to claim that a business card was created with the accumulated knowledge of 25 years of business success, it had better unfurl into an automaton of the recipient’s choice of gender that then proceeds to cook them a meal, clean their house and give them oral–at which point the recipient could look down and notice Card Doosh’s contact info engraved on the top of the robot’s head.

    Comment by Lily the Pink | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  6. Honestly, the first video was so boring I turned it off after the guy started talking. The second held my interest and while the first doosh was entirely forgettable I’ll never forget Business Card guy, which is exactly what he was aiming for. Even if I don’t like him.

    So, while he is certainly a doosh, he successfully left his mark as one, and I have to give him some props for that.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  7. Does anyone else feel like he may be Dina Lohan’s soul mate?

    The fake tan, the veneers, the LonGIland Guido hair…? Seriously, they’re a match made in self-promoting, sociopathic heaven.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  8. (Biz Card Doosh, I mean.)

    Comment by SeaKat | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  9. I can’t tell if he’s angry or excited. Maybe both. I have the feeling that business card guy harasses all the women in his office because they all “obviously want it”.

    Comment by blah | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  10. blah — oh, you SO nailed that characterization.

    Heh. heh. I said “nailed” in a comment about sexual harassment. heh.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  11. TheHobo: The boring guy/video resume shows highlights of him lifting weights, playing tennis and ballroom dancing…oh and karate chopping bricks. It gets off to a slow start, but then he compensates for his droning voice by dazzling us with the obviously superior physical specimen that is Aleksey. (Because you know he refers to himself in the third person).

    Comment by Lily the Pink | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  12. Business Card Doosh made me think of American Psycho, which in turn made me think of Bale.
    I prefer thinking about Bale to thinking about Business Card Doosh.

    Comment by Sarah | April 17, 2009 | Reply

  13. So….did anyone feel like mentioning to Biz Card Doosh that there’s a reason all the other business cards are the same size? They’ll fit in someone’s wallet, or Rolodex (do people still use those?), or pocket. His large ass square card is just an annoyance that people’ll throw away out of inconvenience.

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | April 18, 2009 | Reply

  14. He seemed pretty proud of the fact that his card didn’t fit in a Rolodex…because you know, everyone will think he is a tons more special and all their other business contacts, if they can’t fit his card in their rolodex. I mean either that or they will throw his card away… it’s one or the other…

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 18, 2009 | Reply

  15. Totally brick the business card doosh first. Preferrably with a brick in the shape of his tacky ass business card.

    P.S. I think if you tried to brick Alesky, he might karate chop it in half before it would make contact with his face.

    Comment by rumour has it | April 18, 2009 | Reply

  16. I would use it as a drink coaster or if cut up correctly I’m sure it would make a good ninja star (if you should ever be in need of one).

    Comment by blah | April 18, 2009 | Reply

  17. $4 a card! I would throw it away right in front of him to see if he would pick it out of the trash afterward.

    Comment by silent noodles | April 18, 2009 | Reply

  18. sn – Hahhahahahahaaa! I like the way you think!

    Comment by SeaKat | April 19, 2009 | Reply

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