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Conventional Wisdom Proved Incorrect

I knew it! Jake the Snake better watch out.

evilsnakeYou know how “they” tell you that large snakes cannot/will not eat people?  Yeah, well “they” are massively wrong!  A Kenyan man was walking around, minding his own business in the forest when he stepped on something spongy. Instantly some asshole, 13-foot, bully of a python wrapped around his leg and started hauling Ben Nyaumbe up a tree. Up-a-fucking-tree!

Nyaumbe is the Chuck Norris of the snake world, and wrestled with the scaly bitch for three hours. He managed to to bite his Slytherine foe on the tip of its tail, use his shirt to smother the snake’s head (preventing the undulating beast from swallowing him) and, when the snake took a break, call for help on his cell phone. His boss and some villages pulled the writhing duo down from the tree with some rope. Apparently the devil’s familiar had been hunting livestock in the area when it saw a tasty bi-pedal treat. Other than being exhausted and, one assumes, massively shaken up, Nyaumbe’s only injury was a cut sustained when biting the snake’s tail. It was a bit sharp.

Police Superintendent Supt Katam, who may or may not be a snake expert, said, “It’s very mysterious, this ability to lift the man onto the tree. I’ve never heard of this before.” No duhvs! It is because bitches be dead! Dead men tell no tales! The police had wanted to shoot the snake but were worried about hurting Nyaumbe. Instead they captured it, put it in a room with a hole under the door and let the muthertrucker escape. Katam says police are, “still seriously looking for the snake.” Well, good for you. Apparently they want to “arrest” it – no word yet on what that entails.


April 15, 2009 - Posted by | News You May or May Not Use | , ,


  1. they should call up J.Lo and Ice Cube to show them how to go all anaconda on that snake.

    BTW, I think Anaconda was the only movie in which I enjoyed J.Lo’s acting skills.

    Comment by rumour has it | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  2. Well my anaconda isn’t dangerous at all. It don’t want none unless you got buns hon.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  3. I hadn’t seen much of J Lo before Anaconda (I know, I’m a youngin’ and hadn’t watched much In Living Color) so imagine my surprise when like halfway through that movie, when they’re in the warehouse about to get eated, she turns and suddenly there’s her ASS. Jesus. Everyone I was watching it with all looked at each other with the same thought–Where was she hiding that ass this whole movie?

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  4. AWESOME, bfm!!! It’s always time for Sir Mix-a-lot.

    Even though he’s sold himself to Burger King… the shame.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  5. SeaKat: Maybe he was being literal and wanted buns.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  6. ::in best McConahuey stoner drawl::

    Whoa. You just blew my mind.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  7. Ok, so this is off topic. But can Sir Mix-A-Lot be considered a one hit wonder? I mean, I definitely couldn’t tell you if he’s ever even released anything besides Baby Got Back, but it’s stayed such a staple in the cultural zeitgeist for so long, it seems like the term wouldn’t quite define him. Right?

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  8. Chelsea -PP: I think maybe he can be classified as a cultural phenomenon.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  9. One-Hit Bun-der?

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  10. McConahuey lewis and the news!

    i don’t know why that spelling cracks me up.

    Comment by DonnaMartin | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  11. groan, bfm. GROAN!


    Comment by DonnaMartin | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  12. I couldn’t not. I couldn’t not.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  13. LOL@DM. I can NEVER spell his name w/o Googling it. And I was just too lazy this time.

    “Dude, I want a new drug…one that won’t make me sick.”

    ::Naked bongo SOLO!::

    Comment by SeaKat | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  14. mconahuey’s finest role: “hey man, you got a joint? it’d be a lot cooler if you did!”

    Comment by DonnaMartin | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  15. On Sir Mix A Lot–up in Seattle we think he has had more than one hit thanks to “Jump on it” and “My Posse’s on Broadway” and some other one that I can never remember and I think only my friend Duane thinks is a big hit. I feel like it was about alcohol…

    But square pants asses? Oh, that was SO painful. Gigli painful.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  16. Yes, I was fairly sure he had more than one hit. But I wasn’t here during his heyday, so I wikipedia’d him. I only recognized BGB, but then I’m as square as those asses on the BK commercial.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 15, 2009 | Reply

  17. DM: Know what I like about high school girls? I keep getting older and they stay the same age.

    By the way, how does a 13ft. long snake sneak out without the police noticing? Is the town where this happened the Kenyan equivalent of Mayberry? Is the deputy named Barney Fifaumbe? Enquiring minds want to know.

    Comment by Helen Skor | April 16, 2009 | Reply

  18. Helen Skor: He’s a snake. All he has to do is move his e and he becomes a sneak.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 16, 2009 | Reply

  19. OK, voices, that was just damn clever.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 16, 2009 | Reply

  20. bfm: It was one of those things you type then think “Someone’s gonna smack me in the head for this.” So thanks!

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 17, 2009 | Reply

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