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So I was laughing at this handicapped guy…

It’s not as bad as it sounds I swear


Last week I was in Wal-Mart, and there was this guy in an electric wheelchair.  He had a bunch of bumper stickers on the back of his wheelchair, and one of them said, “When judgment day comes you’ll wish you had Jesus bumper stickers.”  Right underneath that was one that said, “What happens in Tijuana, Mexico stays in Tijuana, Mexico.”I laughed and some lady gave me a dirty look because she thought I was laughing at the guy.  The guy was cool about it; we talked for a minute and I told him I liked his stickers.

I have a love-hate relationship with Wal-Mart.  I didn’t shop there for a long time because I think their business practices are reprehensible.  But now, I find myself going there more frequently because you can’t beat their prices.  In the end, I gave up my self-imposed boycott because I’ve been out of work for a while and I need to save money. Recently, I stopped by Wal-Mart to pick up a few things.  I wanted to pick up a ham steak for Easter and while I was shopping, a very nice lady gave me a coupon for two dollars off a ham that was on sale at Wal-Mart. So instead of paying three or four dollars for one piece of ham, I got a ten pound ham for eight dollars. The lady that gave me the coupon didn’t work there; she was just a customer with an extra coupon, and she was nice enough to share it with me.

It’s been my experience that there seems to be only two kinds of people who shop at Wal-Mart.  There are the nice kind people who are polite and say “excuse me” when they walk in front of you as you are looking at something.  And then there are THOSE people.

THOSE people are the people that give Wal-Mart the reputation of being…well… Wal-Mart.  I encountered one of THOSE people in the self-serve checkout lane.  Let me draw you a picture.  There are two checkout lanes side by side with no divider separating them.  The woman, let’s call her “Big Sheila,” is waiting in line in the left lane, so I pull my cart in line in the right lane.  I have seven items; Big Sheila has three-fourths of her cart full.  The girl using the checkout machine in the lane I am in is almost done checking out.  For the sake of this description, let’s call her “Jane.”  As Jane is getting ready to leave, Big Sheila steps in front of my cart, blocking my way.  I say “excuse me” as I try to move forward.  Big Sheila turns around and tells me she is taking Jane’s checkout machine because she was there first.  I counter that she was waiting in the other lane and that she should wait for the person in her lane to finish and leave.  We’ll call the person in Big Sheila’s lane “Beth.”

I can’t get past Big Sheila because she is blocking my lane.  How should I put this delicately?  If Big Sheila’s butt was an asteroid, NASA would classify it as a “planet killer.”

Jane finishes checking out, and starts to leave.  Big Sheila pulls her cart in front of mine and informs me she is in a hurry and that her baby is in the car waiting.  I say, “I hope you at least cracked a window for it.”  At this point, Big Sheila looks like she wants to slap me, but luckily my cart is in the way and she can’t reach me.  I was tempted to channel my inner Drea De Matteo and say, “Come at me, bitch!” but I decided against it.

So Big Sheila cuts in front of me and starts checking out.  The Wal-Mart employee in charge of the self-serve checkout machines gives me a nervous look, then finds something incredibly interesting on her desk to look at.  Less than a minute after Big Sheila hijacks my lane, Beth finishes and leaves.  I move to the open lane and check out while Big Sheila is arguing with the Wal-Mart employee about the price of Peeps.

It used to be that you could only see this kind of dysfunction and klass after last call at a Denny’s.   But now, thanks to Wal-Mart, you don’t need to stay up late to rub elbows with America’s bottom ten percent.


April 13, 2009 - Posted by | Daily Whims | ,


  1. I’ve learned it’s best not to go to walmart after 10:30 pm. That’s when most of the people you only see at carnivals seem to shop. They seem to be of nocturnal nature and seem to have misplaced their teeth.

    A woman I know once got a note telling her to leave her panties in the back by the dumpster or else. She left with panties on her person. She wasn’t really scared since he didn’t clarify the what else part. True story. Plus, I hate the word, “panties”.

    Comment by cookiebees | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  2. I do too! That word is NOT allowed in my home.

    Also, Big Sheila would have gotten cut. Seriously. I imagine Wal*Mart to be like a pirate ship, and so completely lawless. Or else it’s like prison and you had to stab her to prove yourself. So however I look at it, you’d have been justified.

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  3. Okay, begin lynching me now . . . It’s my understanding that there is a single line that forms for the self-checkout lanes when they are all together (usually four of them together on a single aisle); and that it’s first come, first served – which would mean that Big Sheila would have been right.

    That said, if you have a cart full of crap, you should always let the person with three or four items go ahead of you – it’s the decent thing to do.

    Also, why is she going through the self-checkout lanes with a full cart? I don’t know about you guys, but it always takes me forever to use those checkers because the stupid voice is always telling me to “remove item from the bagging area” which makes my brain swell and my nose bleed. Big Sheila needs to take her “planet killer” ass to lane 1 where she can also pick up her carton of Maverick menthols.

    Finally, HER BABY IS IN THE CAR? She better be talking about her significant other, because that shit doesn’t fly with me. HER BABY IS IN THE CAR?! What in holy Redneck hell is this woman thinking? If the baby is alone, she needs to be arrested. If the baby is with an adult, then she better stop trying to use that excuse. But most likely, the baby is probably in the car with her four other kids (all under the age of 6) – drinking grape soda out of sippy cups, all hopped up on methamphetamines.

    And this, my dear Squee-ers is why I shop at Target. Because my sanity is worth more than the few bucks I would save by shopping at Wal-Mart. Please don’t think me insensitive though, because I’ve been where Keebs is now, and I understand why she is forced to shop at the Mecca of Human Garbage . . . just let me know where to mail the Target gift card.

    Comment by Helen Skor | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  4. Holy crap . . . guess I’m a little verbose today.

    Comment by Helen Skor | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  5. Seriously? The self-checkout lanes are one line and first come?

    I’m pretty sure that’s not how we do it here, but it’s Texas and 1/2 the people here are backwards anyway, and will stab you if you fart; so I’ll venture to say, how we do it down here may NOT be correct.

    Either way, I’m pretty sure Big Sheila would have left with little checkered dimples on her ass, instead of cottage cheese, because I’m pretty sure I would have at least “tripped” moving my cart to the other lane.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  6. My favorite part of shopping at Walmart is what I refer to as Mexican Sundays. Here in rural NC, we have a good-sized Latino population from all over the Americas, so let me say that while I realize that the chances are low that any given hispanic family that I see out in public are, in fact, Mexican, “Non-country specific, Spanish-speaking, under-height, over-sized-belt-buckle-wearing, tanned people Sundays” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
    So, anyhow, Mexican Sundays are the days when the ENTIRE extended family comes out to shop for, apparently, the next several weeks of groceries. This involves a group of anywhere from four to seven adults along with at least three children (sometimes three apiece) and two to three shopping carts. Said carts will be jam packed with massive quantities of food, but closer inspection always proves that there are really only a handful of *different* food items. For example, an entire shopping cart full of ONLY tortillas and potatoes. In general, these children are also better behaved than the usual run of the mill, unwashed redneck brats that populate the front seat of the other carts blocking the aisles.
    For all the amusement value that these shopping entourages generally present, it is always outweighed by the annoyance of having 10 people blocking the aisle when it seems to me that a couple of people alone could have surely handled the shopping job.

    Comment by Roxydarling | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  7. Personally, about the only thing I buy at Walmart is toothbrushes, which for some reason can be bought there at the ridiculously low price of two for a buck. (I suppose the words “Made in China” should be cause for concern, though. What carcinogens are in those bristles?)

    Now toothbrushes might be a good topic for you, Keeblerkahn. It just seems to me that a lot of engineers are wasting their time developing *new* toothbrush designs, and people are paying way too much for the things. $5 for a toothbrush? Sweet Jeebus, it’s just a fucking toothbrush. It doesn’t have to be so complicated, does it? And shouldn’t engineers be spending time on more important things?

    Comment by Run-DMS | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  8. Run-DMS: when you don’t have dental insurance, you spend more on your toothbrush, just in case.

    Also, you floss.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  9. Not to make light of the situation, but a girl in my town was abducted from our Wal-Mart last night. I don’t think I will ever go back. Plus, if you clip coupons, you can get 2-for-a-dollar toothbrushes at CVS!

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  10. Run-DMS: In China they make the cheap toothbrushes from radium.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  11. Tip: Use radium toothbrushes for whiter teeth.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  12. bfm – hahhaha!!

    Bonus: no gums = no gingivitis!! Win-Win in my book!!

    Comment by SeaKat | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  13. And at night when you drop the remote you can find it with the lovely glow from your teeth.

    Comment by cookiebees | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  14. hahaha! And when the remote’s battery dies, just take off the battery cover and bite down on the contact points! Sweet!

    Comment by SeaKat | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  15. And during the next ‘Symbolic Save the Earth Power Outage’
    You’ll be all set.

    You could also make a little extra cash by renting your mouth out as a spotlight for community theaters and karaoke nights.

    Comment by queencrone | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  16. A couple weeks ago, there was an alert on the news that was something along the lines of single womens and them shouldn’t go to Wal-mart on a specific day because gang initiating was going on and there was “substantial evidence” saying that the hopeful gang member were supposed to shoot women coming in and out of Wal-mart.

    That has nothing to do with Keeb’s story, but just to reiterate why Satan’s Superstore is a steaming pile of my dog’s dung. Also, we don’t have self-check out lanes at the closest Wal-mart here. BUT, in my experience, most stores i’ve been to weren’t first come first serve in the self-check out. There are *usually* two lines for each of the two rows of check outs. Having said that, I have been to stores where there was only one line, and I wanted to kill myself and all of the other assholes in front of me who formed the one line. People always form one line at CVS/RITE-AID here too. Pisses me off!

    Comment by Mae | April 13, 2009 | Reply

  17. Mae, the alert you’re refering to is a hoax. Just an FYI…

    BUT: when my little brother was about 2, we were shopping at Walmart and these two guys were following us around the store. So, when we were checking out my mom reported them, and the guys took off chasing this other couple, and turned THEM in. Turns out, they saw the couple try to swipe my little brother a couple of times when my mom reached to grab something, so they were following THEM. We just didn’t notice the couple, because who notices a couple shopping near you. (I think the two guys were off duty cops or something, I can remember – I was 12.) Anyway, I don’t let my kid get more than 6 inches from me when we shop at Walmarts, and he’s not allowed to walk either.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | April 14, 2009 | Reply

  18. That was a very close call AdAd! I’m glad your brother was safe.

    Comment by queencrone | April 14, 2009 | Reply

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