uncollectedminds

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Two Words: Tax Exemption

Move over Scientologists, there is an even more suspect and fiction-based religion in town.

cullenismAre you misunderstood? Does your teen angst manifest itself by fixations on allegories for sex? Do you want sparkly skin? Then my friend, Cullenism is for you! Sound too good to be true? Well, like any religion you are going to have to take some leaps of faith, but instead of transubstantiation you have to believe that the Cullens, et al., are real! That’s right, even though you KNOW it is a fictional book, through the sheer power of faith, or teenage psychosis, you must believe that they are flesh and blood(less). If you believe hard enough, and are “good in life,” you will get an eternity with the Cullens. That same eternity that has been torturing them for centuries! You will also have to make some sacrifices, though, like read from that tripe-filled book daily and make a pilgrimage to Forks. That place is a shit-hole. But, as a limited time religion-formation bonus, you can believe whatever you damned well please! And because this is a 21st Century religion, feel free to follow the Youtube channel (although they seem to be more interested in whales nowadays) or the Facebook page (which seems to be more of a repository for shirtless pictures of the Cullen men).

If any of you become Cullenists, when they let you into the inner-sanctum, see if you can get an answer to a burning question of mine: how does a vampire get a hard-on? They don’t have any blood, right? “Magic,” is not an acceptable answer.

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April 9, 2009 - Posted by | Culture Critic | , , ,

4 Comments »

  1. Sigh.

    I’d convert, but Whedonism is a hard religion to break out of.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  2. Hobo, you’re a Whedonist?! I used to be a die hard BTVS and Angel fan.

    Comment by rumour has it | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  3. I never thought about the whole hard-on issue. OMG. That certainly explains Edmund or Edward or whatever-the-fuck name’s general morose nature. I think most men would have a hard time with immortal impotence. 🙂

    Comment by SeaKat | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  4. The only thing I know about Twilight (SPOILER ALERT?) is that they don’t do the nasty. I think. So yeah, if I couldn’t get no satisfaction I’d probably lose my shit and start sucking people’s blood too.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 9, 2009 | Reply


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