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Scarjo Gets Gooped

Not fattened, but shamed

57037749scarjo3262009122253pm-1It would seem that Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow now have more in common than being blond actresses with roles in Ironman 2 and husbands who are the subjects of the same queen.  According to the Daily Mail, for her turn in Ironman 2 Johansson has decided to drop her curves and go hardbody. So far she’s lost 14 pounds, and it’s all thanks to GOOPy Gwyn’s workout friend, Tracy Anderson. While in reality I have no idea why the voluptuous Scarjo would suddenly decide the thing that distinguishes her from the stick figure actresses of Hollywood needs to be blotted from existence, I can’t help but imagine the scenario went something like this.

 

SCENE 1 –  March 19, 2008. The Johansson-Reynolds living room.  Johansson is lounging on a sofa, knocking back shots of heavy cream while intermittently gnawing on a turkey leg.  A Macbook Pro sits on her lap as she types an email to BFF President Obama. As she wonders aloud if “Laissez-faire” has one “s” or two, her laptop dings to signify a new email.

Johansson: YAY! This week’s GOOP Newsletter is here! I love GOOP.  One day I’m going to be just like Gwyneth Paltrow, who is going to be just like Madonna, so I will be as famous as Madonna by proxy!

(She clicks.) As Scarlett reads, her eyes grow wide–her jaw drops. The turkey leg tumbles onto her ample bosom that’s now heaving in sync with her growing anger.

Johansson: GWYNETH, YOU BITCH! I ate the poussins, I made the lava cake, I ingested the goose fat drenched in hollandaise, and NOW you’re telling me I should care about the size of my butt? You duplicitous hussy. (This is a universal reaction to Paltrow’s two-faced nature.)

SCENE 2 – Cut to a week later.  After seven days of sustaining herself on little more than seitan Scarlett is weak, desperate and craving poussins.  Her ass has begun to haunt her every waking thought and she is suffering caper induced hallucinations. She can no longer move from the sofa.

Johansson: Must…get thin…help. me. GOOP.  Shut up wallabies! Butt…not fat!  Huh? NO!  Don’t. own.talking.wallabies. AH! Stupid Gwyneth! Wait, no. Gwynnie friend..Gwynnie frienie. Haha, Gwynniefrieniegwyniefrieniegwyniefrienie  (cackles, falls over, then slides onto the floor). Oh hey! Laptop! (laptop dings to indicate new email). Goooooop!

(She clicks, reads and is quickly sobered by Gwyneth’s latest missive.)

Johansson: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  Someone get Tracy Anderson on the phone. Gwyn says I’ve got to exercise. And bring me a goddamned pouissin, stat!

OK, fine, this scenario might seem far-fetched, but what else explains why  Scarjo, who was not fat, would think she is and hire a criminal nut job to aid in the destruction of her public and self images.  After all, Tracy Anderson made Madonna look like this:

madonnaarms

 

And she apparently makes Gwyneth Paltrow lactate.

article-0-02ff3274000005dc-978_468x733

 

Why, Scarjo?  Why?

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April 8, 2009 - Posted by | Daily Whims | , , , ,

8 Comments »

  1. This Tracy Anderson is obviously some sort of alien from outer space who has captured Gwyneth and Madonna and replaced them with alien clones. How else would you explain it? ScarJo just got caught in the tractor beam.

    Oh and P.S. I`m pretty sure Canadians are no longer British subjects. 🙂

    Comment by rumour has it | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  2. rumour has it: Sorry, I can see where what I wrote could be interpreted that way, but I wasn’t saying that Canadians are British subjects. I was saying Canada and England are both countries of which Elizabeth II is Queen, since she’s Queen of Canada and Queen of England. Although, I’m not sure many people know about that England bit. I think she likes to keep that quiet, so shhhh. 😉

    Comment by Lily the Pink | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  3. I went and looked at the before and after pics – am I blind? All that looks different is that her boobs may be smaller and her arms may be thinner. But that could be the angle. Can we talk about her hair though? Yeeech!

    Comment by HolyChow | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  4. Man, I forgot she was technically the Queen of Canada. Thankfully, she’s just a figurehead thing and we don’t have to pay taxes to her/the royal family.

    Comment by rumour has it | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  5. HolyCHow: I think her legs look thinner and so does her face. But, I have no idea how tall she is either. If she’s tall then 14 pounds isn’t a huge deal, but if she’s like 5’2″ then 14 lbs. is a LOT and I don’t see it. Plus in the before photo she could have some awesome foundation garment on. If so, I want one that makes me look like that.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  6. At first I thought that was a pic of Reese Witherspoon with her “Walk the Line” hair.

    Comment by shu_shu | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  7. When I first saw this pic of Scarlett I almost passed out. She looks like what the kids are calling the “scary-skinny” – TMIMO.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | April 9, 2009 | Reply

  8. “Gwynniefrieniegwyniefrieniegwyniefrienie.”

    Hahahaha!!!

    Comment by SeaKat | April 9, 2009 | Reply


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