uncollectedminds

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I Hate Things

10 Things I Hate and You Should Too, Edition

ts-dog-lap

No. 8, You're cordially invited to a brick party

1. 3 o’clock in the morning: I’m usually up at this time and 3 o’clock is the world’s way of telling me I’m a degenerate. How you ask? Because that’s when any semblance of decent programming goes off the air and I’m stuck with infomercials about male enhancement pills and the Aerogarden.

2. The voice black comedians use when making fun of white people: Seriously, we don’t all talk like we wear Lacoste, nor do we talk like our mothers breastfed us too long, cut it out. Thanks!

3. Aphorisms and the people who use them: I once worked with a girl who said “Work smarter, not harder!” to me with a certain glimmer in her eye like she was telling me something profound. Mind you, it was my first day and she was showing me how to file. HOW TO FILE, PEOPLE! It took me all of 16 seconds to realize I would come to hate this particular coworker. Aphorisms are not awe- inspiring. They make you sound like someone who probably owns too many cats, takes anti-depressants, and drinks entirely too much caffeine. You’re not fooling anyone, but yourself.

4. People who dress up fancier than the bride and groom: The aforementioned coworker once wore–and get ready for this mental picture: a floor length, black sequined gown with silver trim and spaghetti straps with slit up to the thigh prom dress to a friend of mine’s wedding. Now, I’m not saying roll in wearing acid wash jeans, busted Reeboks and a t-shirt, but there is a reason bridesmaid dresses are either a) dull and boring b) plain Jane 3) ugly; because all the attention is supposed to be on the bride! Stop trying to steal her thunder, hussy!

5. People who slap their lips when they chew: It’s only acceptable to make this noise if you’re eating hay and oats. Oh, and if you’re a horse.

6. Preempting television shows: President Obama is hugely guilty of this one. I get it, Mr. President. You’re trying to make a difference. You want us to know you’re trying to fix what’s horribly broken. But do you think you could do it at 3 in the afternoon instead of 8pm when my favorite shows are on? And why can’t it be broadcast on the news networks like CNN? Actually, what the hell do we have C-SPAN for?

7. Vegans/Vegetarians who give omnivores “the look” when we order a steak: Listen, just because you gave up the succulent taste of meat doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy this. In fact, I’m probably going to order it still moving just to make you gag. And enjoy it. If you don’t like it, don’t go out to dinner with me.

8. People who drive with their dogs on their laps: The other day I saw someone driving with a Beagle on their lap–not a Shitzu or Chihuahua, but a Beagle. If I’m going to get ticketed for chatting on my cell, then you assholes should get ticketed for having a living bowling ball obstructing your arms and hands.

9. People who own homes that use alternative energy, but drive gas guzzling SUVs: Hypocrite, party of douche!

10. The plastic label on the top of DVDs that never comes off easily: There is no easy way to do this, kind of like eating a taco. It’s the packaging company’s proverbial middle finger. You spend ten minutes trying to remove it, only to become wildly agitated and end up whipping the DVD across the room. There’s already cellophane on the package. Why packaging companies? Why must you do this to us, the easily irritable consumer, who wants everything five minutes ago?


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March 31, 2009 - Posted by | A Word from Mae, I Hate Things, Wistful Lists | , ,

13 Comments »

  1. That, was a great list.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  2. The dog in the picture is totally contemplating a jump.

    Comment by Stay, see? | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  3. I’m delighted to say I hate every one of those things too.

    Comment by lava | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  4. Love your hate list. Particularly #4. I always feel like those people are bitter for not getting to be bridesmaids and making some sort of toast. They tend to get up to make some sort of toast anyway….

    Comment by TheHobo | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  5. #9!!! YES!!! And those who do the same thing in reverse!!

    I live down the street from some people who:

    A) Tore down a perfectly fine, if small, house.
    B) Built a ginormous, 3-floor McMansion for 2 adults, one teen. (One of our neighbors nicknamed it “The Castle.” The name has stuck) This is in a neighborhood full of small, post-WWII cottages like mine – 1200 sq. feet
    C) Distributed flyers recently about how they were participating in a “Green Homes Tour” highlighting their use of solar energy.

    Hey, guys — how about this? What if you hadn’t demolished the perfectly good small house that was original to your lot?? Do you think maybe THAT would have been even GREENER than using solar panels to subsidize the energy needs of the new house that is, quite literally, 3x the size of the original??!! (Plus – we’re in Seattle. Where it’s cloudy 9 months of the year. I know solar panels have come a long way, but still…)

    Comment by SeaKat | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  6. BTW, the “reverse” is that they drive a Prius. Asshats.

    Comment by SeaKat | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  7. SeaKat, have we had the “I used to live in Seattle!” discussion yet. Cuz, I used to live in Seattle! (actually, that’s a lie. I lived on the Eastside and went to Woodinville High School — but I’m excited you may have heard of Western Washington University, unlike everyone in LA who has ever interviewed me).

    I hate McMansions. They are built for people who never want to leave the house, and yet, inevitably, are lived in by people who are never home.

    Comment by TheHobo | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  8. LOL – that is so fricking true!!!

    Yes, of course I’ve heard of WWU! That reminds me of everyone who has ever interviewed me:

    Interviewer: So, you went to Boston University. That’s a good school.

    Me: Oh, yes. I really enjoyed …

    I: So did you go there when Doug Flutie was there? Boy that Hail Mary pass that he threw in the…

    Me: Ummm. That’s Boston College. I went to Boston University. We don’t have a football team.

    I: Oh. So did you know him?

    Me: Sure. Sure I did. Used to date him. (lie) Sweet guy. Want his autograph? So…do I have the job??

    Comment by SeaKat | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  9. #8 gets me every time. My giant beast of a dog has the backseat all to herself, where she is safe and not an impediment to my ability to effectively maintain control over 2 thousand pounds of metal.

    Comment by Helen Skor | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  10. 3 in the morning talks to me, too. It says, you’re fucking tired, go to bed you idiot. And I respond, but I don’t have class until after noon, and then it slaps me and yells at me about being irresponsible. But then I turn up my Tivo and I can’t hear it anymore…

    Comment by Slayer | March 31, 2009 | Reply

  11. Tivo makes late night viewing possible…

    And SeaKat!

    My fave about saying “Western” is they hear “Northwestern” and then I have to disappoint them. No, Western. Small state liberal arts college…

    I was in the honors program! Um…

    I like your idea better though. I should just say I went to UW. I got it…I just didn’t go…

    Comment by TheHobo | April 1, 2009 | Reply

  12. *I got in

    Sigh…Western really is a good school. Don’t judge it by me.

    Comment by TheHobo | April 1, 2009 | Reply

  13. LOL, Hobo. Yes, it IS a good school and you do it proud. 🙂

    This was an excellent list, Mae. You truly excel in hating the *right* things.

    Comment by SeaKat | April 1, 2009 | Reply


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