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What’s Fer Dinner, Pa?

Balls, Bobby Ray. Balls.

ts-bull-balls

A bunch of nutters in the Rotary Club in Oakdale, California are serving up plates of bull testicles aka “Rocky Mountain oysters” to raise money for the Oakland Cowboy Museum.

On Monday, Rotary Club volunteers in Oakdale are going to cook up 400 pounds of bull balls and dole them out to folks crazy enough to pay $50 to eat them.

Yum?

Thundersquee! wonders what kind of dishes would be served at the annual Testicle Festival.  Here’s a list of delicacies we came up with:

matzo bull ball soup– For the Jewish cowboys, the Rotary Club will serve up hot bowls of bull ball soup. May or may not be kosher. Comes with 33% more guilt.  And even after you tell your server you are full, she will continue to bring you bowl after bowl, exclaiming that you’re too skinny and you need to put some meat on those bones.  Oh, and would it kill you to give your poor mother a call once in a while?  She worries. 

spaghetti and meat bull balls Instead of ground beef, the meatballs will be balls straight from a bull’s no no area. Caution: These specialty balls may be a little more crunchy than their traditional Italian brethren.  Your server will likely attempt to take you for a ride on his vespa to go meet his mother.  Do not go.  What you do not understand is that he actually lives with his mother, as young Italian men of a certain age are prone to do. 

cock au vin The traditional ingredient for this French dish is rooster. But this is America. In this here country “coq” doesn’t mean rooster; “coq” ain’t even a real word. So look for this delicious fricassee to be served with bull penis. And wine.  Lots and lots of wine.  Not for the faint of heart or recovering alcoholics.

extreme corn dogs This ain’t your mama’s corn dog. Instead of a hot dog, the Rotary Club skewers a bull penis, dips it in thick delicious corn batter and fries that bitch to a crisp. If you’re like me, and you lament the lack of variety of meats on sticks, this corn dog is for you. It’s extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeme. Mountain Dew sold separately.

liqueur balls This delicacy requires that the fluid be drained from the testicle and replaced with cognac. The testicle or “ball” is then dipped in chocolate and rolled in nuts. When you chomp down on a liqueur ball, the crunchy outer ball “shell” breaks and sweet delicious brandy squirts into your mouth.  Go on. Try it. Liqueur balls. All the cowboys are doin’ it.

boba tea- This delicious concoction is made with tea and traditionally contains gelatinous tapioca pearls.  Traditional boba tea is drunk through a wide straw so as to allow the gelatinous balls of tapioca to be sucked up through the straw and into the mouth of the drinker. ts-tube1

The Testicle Festival’s version of boba tea uses actual bull testicles–full-sized–instead of little tapioca pearls.  As you can imagine, this drink is for the very brave.  Not every cowboy is man enough to handle this boba tea, which requires the sucking up of a bull testicle with vacuum-like suction.

Full disclosure: This is a very difficult tea to drink and it is the rare cowboy who can suck a tube and rocket an entire bull testicle directly into his mouth.  But if you can manage it, you’ll get a great rush of what can only be explained as… well…shame, actually. Crushing shame.


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March 29, 2009 - Posted by | Wistful Lists | , , ,

10 Comments »

  1. I can’t tell you how many foods this has ruined for me.

    On the other hand, I laughed my ass off. So, while not exactly win/win, it’s close. 🙂

    Comment by vodkafanta | March 29, 2009 | Reply

  2. I’m laughing THROUGH the vomiting.

    ::Remembers boba tea and liqueur balls description::

    ‘scuse me…

    Comment by SeaKat | March 29, 2009 | Reply

  3. BTW – you may want a disclaimer for our pregnant squeers.

    If I had read this during the first 5 months w/either of my kids, I would have ended up with a lap full of puke.

    Comment by SeaKat | March 29, 2009 | Reply

  4. SeaKat it has the opposite effect on me, like that stupid padma burger. Now I want a corn dog!

    Comment by lava | March 29, 2009 | Reply

  5. boba tea grosses me out. i don’t like slimy balls being sucked up into my mouth.

    there. i said it.

    Comment by DonnaMartin | March 29, 2009 | Reply

  6. lava, that would have been me during breastfeeding!! I swear, I’m the only woman on earth to GAIN weight while nursing. True story.

    Comment by SeaKat | March 30, 2009 | Reply

  7. DM, it reminds me of that Orbitz drink that came out with all the gelatin balls in it. I wanted to like it, I really did. But yeah- DISGUSTING.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | March 30, 2009 | Reply

  8. Here is a delightful song to go with our testical tasting adventure:

    http://www.dizzler.com/ACDC/Big_Balls

    Comment by queencrone | March 30, 2009 | Reply

  9. jai ajouter ce site dans mes favorie. ma revenir c sur

    Comment by Phillipe | July 7, 2009 | Reply

  10. Tres bien, Phillipe! Bienvenue!

    (If I remember my high school French correctly, I think I just said “Very good, Phillipe! Welcome!) If not… I hope I didn’t call you anything nasty…

    Comment by SeaKat | July 8, 2009 | Reply


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