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GOOPing

Her ego is a super-ego

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow talks to us about… you guessed it… eating! In this week’s entry, however, she isn’t extolling her love of butter and goose fat. Rather, she’s done us the favor of providing us with recipes for people who “care about the size of their butt.”

K, wait a second Gwyneth. You’re impossible. I ate the poussins, I made the lava cake, I ingested the goose fat drenched in hollandaise, and NOW you’re telling me I should care about the size of my butt? You duplicitous hussy.

cess_gwyneth_paltrow_02_h-1-1

You know what? Fine. FINE. Let’s see what you have to say.

This week, actress-cum-know-it-all Gwyneth collaborates with director-cum-chef Tamra Davis to bring you recipes that are organic, healthy, good for children and will make you feel like someday you can be half the woman they (perceive they) are.

The recipes are:
Seitan with Lemon and Caper Sauce, aka. “Dinosaur Meat”
Grilled Fish with Pesto, aka “Shrek Pasta”
and Apple Cake, aka “Apple Cake”

The recipes themselves aren’t that offensive, except for the first one. Seitan. What is seitan? It’s a suspicious homonym for Satan, so it must be delicious.

BEHOLD!! MARVEL IN AWE AT THE GLORY OF SEITAN:

250px-seitan-1-1

Y…yum? It looks like meatloaf made from elephant turds. Elephants that ate a lot of hay.

Seitan is described by Wikipedia as “a food made from the gluten of wheat. It is made by washing wheat flour dough with water until all the starch dissolves, leaving insoluble gluten as an elastic mass which is then cooked before being eaten.”

Mmm… nothing whets the appetite like the words “elastic mass” and “insoluble gluten.” In fact, that sounds like a rather apt description of the resultant digestive experience. I don’t know. Will someone try it and tell me? Please?

I’ll be here waiting, with the lava cake and goose fat.

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March 23, 2009 - Posted by | GOOPing | , , ,

11 Comments »

  1. I’ve had seitan. It’s not terrible but it’s definitely not good. And calling it dinosaur won’t make your kids like it any more. It’s just “fake meat.” But really, if you want to feel like you’re eating meat, just eat the real thing. Otherwise, stick to salad and veggies because that fake shit is nothing but a pretend slice of meatloaf that tastes like dense nothing.

    Comment by Chronically Constipated | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  2. I’ve had seitan. I love seitan. *This* sounds disgusting. But I don’t like my food in loaf form, so I could be biased.

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  3. Let it be noted. Thundersquee! Commenters love seitan. Tell your friends.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  4. Wait I’m confused. Gwyneth doesn’t eat regular white bread, but she will recommend we eat a giant hunk of gluten, despite the probably rampant celiac disease and gluten allergy in organic eaters – who probably started eating organic because everything processed was full of gluten?

    Comment by baby fish mouth | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  5. It’s not her fault, bfm. Seitan made her do it.

    Comment by SeaKat | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  6. SeaKat: hahahahahahaha!

    Comment by TheHobo | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  7. Hail Seitan!

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  8. Next thing she’ll be backing a 666 calorie diet and telling us it’s good feng shui to have a pentagram in the house.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  9. bfm– Is it not? Maybe that explains why my walls won’t stop bleeding.

    Comment by Chelsea - PETA Protector | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  10. Next GOOP update:

    I believe that it is imperitive to jettison your soul. It’s just excess baggage and it makes your chakras look fat.

    Comment by SeaKat | March 23, 2009 | Reply

  11. The captioned Gwyneth image makes me laugh every time I see it.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | March 23, 2009 | Reply


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