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The Oscars: Red Carpet Recap


They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the SQUEE!…

Robert Downey Jr.

oscars-2009-picture-094 CAIT: Looks 30.  And awesome.
LILY THE PINK: That sound you heard when he stepped onto the red carpet was the sound of underwear around the world hitting the floor.  He’s back, and more doable than ever.
Oh my. Close cut,  grey lapel, subtle stripe, a little shine and a pocket square? Um, pardon me, I have to, uh, take Gwennie’s advice and practice some self-massage.
MAE: I’ll take an RDJ poster above my bed for 1,000 alex.
STOPTHEMADNESS: The man has snorted half of Colombia in his lifetime, and yet he doesn’t look much older than he did portraying Julian in Less Than Zero.  So here’s what I’m thinking.  He might actually be black.  Remember, black don’t crack.  Now excuse me, I need to take off my pants and go full retard.

Taraji P. Henson


CAIT: Benjamin who??
LILY THE PINK: I loved everything about her from hair to toes. Actually, I didn’t see her toes. Her toes are the The Reader of this outfit.
LISA(#1): She has be owning this awards season, so don’t take it lightly when I say this is her best yet. There was something a little “tattered aristocracy” that played so well off that modern bob. Dibs on that necklace!
I’d do her.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I hate the fucking Button movie.  Let me just say that and say it again.  I hate the fucking Button movie.  I love Taraji P. Henson, however, and everything she stands for.  She looked fabulous.

81st_legendj_02John Legend

CAIT: Meow.  That’s all I’m sayin’.
LILY THE PINK: The mocha two button tux stood out in the best possible way, much like his date’s breasts.  Also, pocket square, tie-clip–well done! Now I’m craving hot cocoa.  John…?
mmmmm chocolately perfection. Layers, layers people! No? How about, brown is the new black? No? Ok, Legend is classy with a tie-clip and cool with mocha.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I would so lick the nutmeg off his ladle.

Meryl Streep

81st_streepm_02CAIT: Not a fan of the hair, but the dress kills.
LILY THE PINK: She once said The Devil Wears Prada taught her to care how she looked at these things, and I think 15 Oscar nominations and this dress attest to how well Streep does something when she cares about it.
LISA(#1): She can be a little hit or miss, because, let’s face it, she is too good for this crap. It is nice when she mixes with the mortals and shows them pure, effing, class. The grey is stunning with her complexion. Eat that starlets!
MAE: Elegance epitomized.
STOPTHEMADNESS: She’s Meryl.  She can do no wrong.  She just also happens to look fabulous.  You know what else looks fabulous?  Her crow’s feet.  Women over 40 are supposed to have crow’s feet.  Crow’s feet, I say!  Show me your crow’s feet or get the hell out!  Excuse me, I lost my head.  What was I saying?  Right.  Meryl.  Gorgeous.  She kills it here.  This is how one ages gracefully.  You hear that, Ms. Kidman?  KIDMAN GET OUT UNTIL YOU SHOW ME SOME CROW’S FEET!  I’m sorry.  Again, this is about crow’s feet.  I mean Meryl Streep.

Natalie Portman

81st_portmann_01CAIT: This gal knows how to rock a red carpet.  Dayamn.
LILY THE PINK: I love Natalie Portman, and I think she looks great, but I have one complaint. The beading on the bodice of her dress makes her look like her boobs are just waking up from a little nap.  I’m almost waiting for her to yawn from her bellybutton.
LISA(#1): The color is beautiful (and making Alicia Keys jealous) and the cut is perfect for her. I would just like to raise my concerns with the bedazzling – the placement makes her boobs look like Paris’ eye. A bit wonky.
STOPTHEMADNESS: I love Natalie.  She looks fabulous.  I loved her in the Professional.  She was a cute kid and now she’s a gorgeous woman.  Also, she shaved her head for V for Vendetta.  It takes a hot piece of Harvard ass to look good with no hair.

Portman: 1.  All of You: 0.

Honorable Mention: Hugh Jackman

450_ap_jackman_oscars_090222CAIT: Christ on a golden crouton!
LILY THE PINK: A golden crouton, a cracker, a crutch and a pogo stick.
LISA(#1): He is perfection. Singing, dancing, accented perfection. I can’t remember what he was wearing – it is just a blur of a charming smile. Sigh.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Wolverine might be gay.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ability to Stop Time Award: Phoebe Cates1phoebecateskevinkline

CAIT: This lady is Kevin Kline’s “Date with an Angel.” That’s right, I made a terrible 80s pun. And?
LILY THE PINK: I bet Judge Reinhold is sitting at home beating off.
Seriously, she should just walk around in a red string bikini, always. Oh, and she had my FAVE accessory of the night – an arrow hair pin.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Look I’m not crazy about the cut of the dress—it’s a bit geisha girl for me—but Christ floating in a bowl of Cheerios, she looks fantastic.  Fast Times at Ridgemont High fantastic.  Like I’d hit that, fantastic.   And I simply love her and Kevin Kline together.  Especially Kevin Kline.  ::smells armpit::

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February 23, 2009 - Posted by | Culture Critic, Fashion, Movie Marquis, Wistful Lists | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. Classic. One correction: I think Portman went to Harvard, not Yale. Just sayin!

    Comment by Chronically Constipated | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  2. loooooooooooooove Robert, Jr. looooooooooooooove him. Or maybe it’s Iron Man I love…not sure. I’d do them both.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. robert downey jr. looked so hot.

    Comment by Kelly Taylor | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  4. Gonna give my shout out to Robert. I see an evening with the Pick Up Artist, Soapdish (even if his character is an ass) and Air America in my future. OH! And probably Chances Are, and Heart and Souls, and…even when he was in crap movies, he was never crap. OH! Only You! I desperately need a copy of Only You!

    By the way Home for the Holidays is one of those movies that slipped through the cracks but has become a holiday tradition in my family. 😛

    I’ll be back in a week, after my Downey marathon…

    Comment by TheHobo | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  5. How much do I love Heart and Souls? I know all the words to Hug-A-Bug Bear. Sometimes when I pass Charles Grodin (isn’t that his name?) on TV I stop for a moment. I once watched an episode of The Closer. I would have dated Milo.

    I love Heart and Souls.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  6. “I need to take off my pants and go full retard” is now officially my favorite terminology and I will be using it whenever the circumstances allow. Decorum be damned.

    Comment by Helen Skor | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  7. I don’t think, E, would hire any hags in the near future to do our overt horniness. And, ohhh how far ye has fallen Natalie

    Comment by Jujubees | December 18, 2009 | Reply

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