uncollectedminds

Just another WordPress.com weblog

The Oscars: Red Carpet Recap

The FAIL!

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with The FAIL…


Beyonce

oscars-2009-picture-051CAIT: she looked like an 80s bachelor pad come to life, all black lacquer and framed posters of corvettes next to leather couches and a nagel print.
LILY THE PINK: This outfit demands a ceramic leopard and Billy Dee Williams waiting by the fire.
LISA(#1): STOP LETTING YOUR MOTHER MAKE YOUR CLOTHES. SHE CLEARLY HATES YOU. Ah hem. Bey, let me give you a hint: every time your mom gives you a dress, take it to someone else and say, “make the anti-this.”
MAE: I see mom’s still designing her wardrobe.
STOPTHEMADNESS: My eyes, my eyes!  Tommy Bahama is not couture.  I repeat, it is not couture.


Heidi Klum

81st_klumh_02CAIT: I know it’s meant to be 2009’s new couture look, but FAIL.
LILY THE PINK: I think Heidi is trying to teach us a lesson in how tasteless sluts dressed 20 years ago while showing off her entire line of jewelry. I just wish she had gone with really big hair.
LISA(#1): If a slutty third grader found some Boons Farm, fabric and a gluegun, this is what you would get. Heidi was wearing like eleventy billion dollars worth of jewlery. That, my friends, is what you call guilding a turd.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Somebody Klum me in, but I wasn’t aware that one could wear origami.  And I don’t know what the hell is going on with that jewelry, but I want to riddle it with bullets, courtesy of my trusty AK-47.


Miley Cyrus

81st_cyrusm_01CAIT: This dress barely weighs more than her ego.
LILY THE PINK: Did Disney and Dolly Parton combine forces to design this dress?
LISA(#1): You know sometimes I forget she is only 16. But then I see this. A dress, with tiered petals, all sparkly, a keyhole back and embroidery. Only a 16-year-old would think it wise to throw a belt on that shit. Because it wasn’t busy enough.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Please go away. Go far far away and take Taylor Swift with you (I don’t know who the fuck Taylor Swift is and I don’t care; was she there? Again, with the not caring.). Never come back. No. NO. Do not talk back. JUST GO.


Jessica Biel

81st_bielj_01

CAIT: Where Athena meets 420.
LILY THE PINK: She looks like she got high before she got in the limo, fell asleep on the way to the theater, then woke up as they opened the door for her and threw on the wrong shoes before stumbling on to the red carpet in search of snacks.
LISA(#1): Jessica. Your boob deflated. I think it happened when you were running away from a serial killer in the forest. Isn’t that what happened to your hair? Oh, look at the time, I have to set my Tivo.
MAE: Unkempt hair only works for Robert Pattinson.
STOPTHEMADNESS: You clearly just fucked the limo driver. Here’s a brush. And some mouthwash. Now please follow Miley Cyrus.  I told her to go away, and I’m going to need you to go with her.  Away.  Shut it! Just go and I won’t tell Justin anything about what I just saw.


Phillip Seymour Hoffman

81st_hoffmanp_02CAIT: Puff puff pass.
LILY THE PINK: Uhhh, I’m guessing ill-timed hair transplant. Otherwise, there’s no excuse. Nope, never mind. There’s still no excuse.
LISA(#1): Is that the same beanie as you wore at Independent Spirit Awards? Ok, either it is glued on your head or you had an unfortunate hair-plug incident. Either way, you, sir, look like a semi-flacid dick with a too-tight black condom trying to slide over the top.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Pssst! Phil! YOU’RE AT THE FUCKING OSCARS! A BEANIE IS NOT APPROPRIATE!



Punch Drunk Free Pass:  Mickey Rourke

81st_rourkem_02CAIT: I long for the days of “Diner.”  ‘Nough said.
LILY THE PINK: His dog story made the bad suit go away, so he’s forgiven.
LISA(#1): I know you want to be Johnny Depp. But I’ve seen Johnny Depp. You sir, are no Johnny Depp. No matter what your addled brains tell you. But you were so awesome in The Wrestler, can I have your autograph?
MAE: Your dog died, not you, and get an effin hair cut already!
STOPTHEMADNESS: AWWW!  But the wittle doggie!  And the aww…..  Well Mickey, it doesn’t excuse the teeth.  Meth explains them.  But the dog doesn’t excuse them.  I’m going to hell.  See you there.


WTF?: Sophia Loren

oscars-2009-picture-170CAIT: I think Tonya Harding wore something similar in 1992
LILY THE PINK: There comes a point in every woman’s life when they need to call it quits and cover ’em up.  Even if they still look 40.
LISA(#1): didn’t get to formally comment, but I’m pretty sure the word “Charo” would be included in her comments.
STOPTHEMADNESS: Sophia I will be blaming you when in 30 years I’m still being subjected to Basic Instinct peekaboo shots of Madonna’s vagina.  For the love of croutons, set an example.  Put it away.  You’ve been warned.



[poll id=”10″]

Advertisements

February 23, 2009 - Posted by | Celebrity Shenanigans, Culture Critic, Fashion, Movie Marquis, What Do You Think?, Wistful Lists | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

14 Comments »

  1. Hahaha, origami and Charo for the win. I liked Beyonce’s dress… kind of a lot. Kind of like I want to wear it to the office. No?

    Comment by Chronically Constipated | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  2. I don’t know why I am defending Phillip Seymour Hoffman, but he was on the Today Show with a similar cap, and said he has some extreme bedhead for a movie and didn’t want to show it. Perhaps he should have picked a classier beanie? Either way it looks ridiculous.
    But Jessica Biel took the cake. That dress is FUG!!

    Comment by payter | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. i’d say I had “extreme big sekritz bed head hair” if I had hair plugs.

    Comment by Kelly Taylor | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  4. haha, you guys are so funny.

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  5. I have found a new respect for Mickey Rourke….

    Comment by cooter | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  6. Don’t hate me…. I think Sofia Loren looked amazing. Or Sophia or whatever.

    I love Lisa’s take on the belt on Miley… although, stm, Taylor Swift seems surprisingly mature and not horrible, and you know that’s the real deal coming from me about a young female star. I can’t imagine her new BFF status with Miley is gonna do her any favors.

    Heidi looked AWFUL and it makes me not miss Project Runway as much.

    Comment by sar | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  7. sar, i just don’t know who taylor swift is. i guess she’s a singer. what does she sing? sounds like a country singer. i keep thinking she’s the dude who won american idol a few years ago.

    heidi? you’re either in or you’re AUT!

    Comment by stopthemadness | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  8. AUF-ful

    Comment by Lily the Pink | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  9. she is this annoyingly cute nonsense little country singer who writes her own shit and plays guitar and used to date a jonas brother. he broke up with her through a text message, true story. she’s a big deal because she writes okay stuff (although most of the syrupy themes are too much for me to bear).

    i want to hate her but whenever i hear this one song she sings, i cry, despite myself. and she really does sound mature in interviews. ANYWHO. i’m not a taylaloonie or whatever we want to call them. i just can’t hate her even though I WANT TO. SO BAD.

    Comment by sar | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  10. to learn to hate is to learn to love.

    confucius said that.

    Comment by DonnaMartin | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  11. I like Taylor Swift but she always looks like she’s trying to hold in a fart.

    Comment by deimos | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  12. I’m with CC – I liked Beyonce’s dress, although I definitely think that we are in the minority.

    I vote Heidi as the worst because she, of all people, should know better. She’s on Project Freaking Runway! There’s no excusing it.

    Also, I didn’t hate Miley’s dress. I thought it was age appropriate (which is a new concept for her). However, I did have a hard time looking past my overwhelming contempt for her to judge the dress on it’s own merits.

    Comment by Helen Skor | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  13. Yes, Heidi and Jessica, bad dresses. Take them off, now!

    Comment by WhoMee | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  14. WhoMee: See, that’s the problem. They’re walking billboards whose job on Oscar night is to make themselves, the people who have previously hired them, and the people who’ve decorated them that night look the best they can on the industry’s most important PR night. Yet, they showed up looking less doable than usual. Why would they do that? It makes no sense, and given Wookiees don’t live on Endor we should shame them. Q.E.D.

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | February 25, 2009 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: