The Oscars: Red Carpet Recap

The Meh

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the Meh…

Amy Adams

CAIT: Very, very boring for such a very, very gorgeous woman.

LILY THE PINK: You know what this outfit says?  It says “I know I’m not going to win, but I’m showing up anyway.”

LISA(#1): I like the necklace. And normally I hate those jeweled psoriasis looking mofos. But with that Hot Topic dress, she is making two contradictory statements. A cobalt column dress and she would have been on my best dressed.

STOPTHEMADNESS: Jesus H. Oversized Necklace, I want to take this woman out back, slap her upside the head a few times, and yell “pull yourself together!”  She has a permanent “Oh my god, something shiny!” look in her eyes that makes her look like she might faint at any given moment.  Somebody get the smelling salts; Amy Adams has the vapors.

Anne Hathaway

CAIT: Too glossy, not enough heart.  I agree with Lils.

LILY THE PINK: Dress? Perfect. Hair? Perfect. Jewelry? Perfect.  Overall effect? Clinical soullessness.

LISA(#1): Oooh, that color looks lovely on her. The neckline is super flattering. Mmmm sparkles. I like the waist…line, oh, that is an interesting, Uh, huh? What have we here? Quick, call Daryl Hannah, Hathaway is trying to remake Splash!

MAE: Over rated *clap clap clap clap clap* over rated *clap clap clap clap clap*

STOPTHEMADNESS: Oh Anne.  Your face is like Costco. There’s just too much of everything.  Too much eyebrows, too much mouth, too much eyes.  But yet I like you.  But yet your dress leaves me wondering if I really need a forty gallon tub of mustard.  I’m confused and I don’t know what to think.  About you.  About your dress.  About Costco.

Evan Rachel Wood

CAIT: Lose the bad hair color and the leftover Marilyn Manson makeup, kthx.

LILY THE PINK: Is she even wearing a dress?  It’s so similar to her skin tone she kind of looks like a perfectly coiffed shar pei.

LISA(#1): Two things: the color washes her out and the dress is wearing her. Dita would have never let that happen. (Angelina should have worn this) Very bad hair. Plus, I hate her face. She should have gone with a nice bag, in the brown paper variety.

STOPTHEMADNESS: Evan, where are you?  I can’t even see you.  You’re freaking me out, what with the blending in with your surroundings and all.  Evan is like a kimodo dragon.  I can’t tell where she ends and where the dress begins.  Wait, is it a kimodo dragon or a chameleon?  I don’t really care.  And I care so little about Evan’s “look” that I can’t even be bothered to look it up.  Do kimodo dragons eat people?  Are they real dragons?  Ok, now I’m interested.  ::heads to google::

Angelina Jolie

CAIT: Loved the jewelry and hair…the dress was just soporific.

LILY THE PINK: She looks beautiful as usual, but she left her personality at home.  I want the jewelry, though.

LISA(#1): I love those earrings. They are the color of some “emeralds” I made in a grow-your-own-crystal kit I had as a kid. The dress? I think I saw it at Dillard’s. Maybe she needs different hair or a necklace? She is so understated as to be invisible.

MAE: I know you’re tired because of your 9,600 children, but does your dress have to be tired too?

STOPTHEMADNESS: Angelina looked gorgeous but bo-ring! I think the dress could have used a necklace— the pendant being a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood of course. Also, it’s a shame that knives aren’t an appropriate accessory for the red carpet.

Penelope Cruz

CAIT: Perfect for a wedding, maybe…not for the Oscars.

LILY THE PINK: It would  take a shovel to make Penny look ugly, but this dress, no matter how sweet its story, makes her look like she stole her grandmas curtains.

LISA(#1): Think of how many tutus could have been made for poor Russian girls with that dress. You know, I think the designers all had ADD this year. The bodices are all lovely, and then the dresses get insane from the waist down. Stop drinking at work!

STOPTHEMADNESS: Penny.  You’re gorgeous.  No doubt.  But you’ve done better.  And also, you really should know how to speak English by now.  What is with you and Salma, already?  That said, I almost dropped my pants when you started speaking in Spanish during your acceptance speech.  So maybe I take it back–what I said about knowing how to speak English.  Oh fuck it, who cares.

Honorable Mention: Jennifer Aniston

CAIT: Yawn.  Wait, what?

LILY THE PINK: What did she wear again?  All I remember is Jack Black and this little braid thing.

LISA(#1): I liked her hair-braid thing. She is beach chic and it has become a bit boring. Maybe she is trying to remind Brad about the good bong hits they had together? But again, the braid thing. That saves her, I think.

MAE: She was there?

STOPTHEMADNESS: I’m glad our Good Girl didn’t wear black, but honestly, I was underwhelmed as evidenced by…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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