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The Oscars: Red Carpet Recap

The Meh

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the Meh…

Amy Adams

81st_adamsa_02CAIT: Very, very boring for such a very, very gorgeous woman.

LILY THE PINK: You know what this outfit says?  It says “I know I’m not going to win, but I’m showing up anyway.”

LISA(#1): I like the necklace. And normally I hate those jeweled psoriasis looking mofos. But with that Hot Topic dress, she is making two contradictory statements. A cobalt column dress and she would have been on my best dressed.

STOPTHEMADNESS: Jesus H. Oversized Necklace, I want to take this woman out back, slap her upside the head a few times, and yell “pull yourself together!”  She has a permanent “Oh my god, something shiny!” look in her eyes that makes her look like she might faint at any given moment.  Somebody get the smelling salts; Amy Adams has the vapors.

Anne Hathaway

gallery_main-annehathaway-2009-oscars-academy-awards-red-carpet-photos-02232009-06CAIT: Too glossy, not enough heart.  I agree with Lils.

LILY THE PINK: Dress? Perfect. Hair? Perfect. Jewelry? Perfect.  Overall effect? Clinical soullessness.

LISA(#1): Oooh, that color looks lovely on her. The neckline is super flattering. Mmmm sparkles. I like the waist…line, oh, that is an interesting, Uh, huh? What have we here? Quick, call Daryl Hannah, Hathaway is trying to remake Splash!

MAE: Over rated *clap clap clap clap clap* over rated *clap clap clap clap clap*

STOPTHEMADNESS: Oh Anne.  Your face is like Costco. There’s just too much of everything.  Too much eyebrows, too much mouth, too much eyes.  But yet I like you.  But yet your dress leaves me wondering if I really need a forty gallon tub of mustard.  I’m confused and I don’t know what to think.  About you.  About your dress.  About Costco.

Evan Rachel Wood

81st_woode_01CAIT: Lose the bad hair color and the leftover Marilyn Manson makeup, kthx.

LILY THE PINK: Is she even wearing a dress?  It’s so similar to her skin tone she kind of looks like a perfectly coiffed shar pei.

LISA(#1): Two things: the color washes her out and the dress is wearing her. Dita would have never let that happen. (Angelina should have worn this) Very bad hair. Plus, I hate her face. She should have gone with a nice bag, in the brown paper variety.

STOPTHEMADNESS: Evan, where are you?  I can’t even see you.  You’re freaking me out, what with the blending in with your surroundings and all.  Evan is like a kimodo dragon.  I can’t tell where she ends and where the dress begins.  Wait, is it a kimodo dragon or a chameleon?  I don’t really care.  And I care so little about Evan’s “look” that I can’t even be bothered to look it up.  Do kimodo dragons eat people?  Are they real dragons?  Ok, now I’m interested.  ::heads to google::


Angelina Jolie

81st_joliea_02CAIT: Loved the jewelry and hair…the dress was just soporific.

LILY THE PINK: She looks beautiful as usual, but she left her personality at home.  I want the jewelry, though.

LISA(#1): I love those earrings. They are the color of some “emeralds” I made in a grow-your-own-crystal kit I had as a kid. The dress? I think I saw it at Dillard’s. Maybe she needs different hair or a necklace? She is so understated as to be invisible.

MAE: I know you’re tired because of your 9,600 children, but does your dress have to be tired too?

STOPTHEMADNESS: Angelina looked gorgeous but bo-ring! I think the dress could have used a necklace— the pendant being a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood of course. Also, it’s a shame that knives aren’t an appropriate accessory for the red carpet.


Penelope Cruz

81st_cruzp_02CAIT: Perfect for a wedding, maybe…not for the Oscars.

LILY THE PINK: It would  take a shovel to make Penny look ugly, but this dress, no matter how sweet its story, makes her look like she stole her grandmas curtains.

LISA(#1): Think of how many tutus could have been made for poor Russian girls with that dress. You know, I think the designers all had ADD this year. The bodices are all lovely, and then the dresses get insane from the waist down. Stop drinking at work!

STOPTHEMADNESS: Penny.  You’re gorgeous.  No doubt.  But you’ve done better.  And also, you really should know how to speak English by now.  What is with you and Salma, already?  That said, I almost dropped my pants when you started speaking in Spanish during your acceptance speech.  So maybe I take it back–what I said about knowing how to speak English.  Oh fuck it, who cares.


Honorable Mention: Jennifer Aniston

jennifer-aniston-2009-oscars-081


CAIT: Yawn.  Wait, what?

LILY THE PINK: What did she wear again?  All I remember is Jack Black and this little braid thing.

LISA(#1): I liked her hair-braid thing. She is beach chic and it has become a bit boring. Maybe she is trying to remind Brad about the good bong hits they had together? But again, the braid thing. That saves her, I think.

MAE: She was there?

STOPTHEMADNESS: I’m glad our Good Girl didn’t wear black, but honestly, I was underwhelmed as evidenced by…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.



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February 23, 2009 - Posted by | Culture Critic, Fashion, Wistful Lists | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

9 Comments »

  1. Angelina looks like she skinned Mickey Mouse and wore him to the oscars.

    Comment by Deimos | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  2. What I don’t get is how many fashion critics all praised Angelina. Same with that horrible dress she wore last time that managed to make her look frumpy. I’m telling you, there is a conspiracy out there to try and convince everyone that Angelina is in fact an Angel. With tattoos. And knives. And really blank stares. And oddly bright jewelry. And really boring dresses. And I still maintain that she’s an alien; her arms look freakishly long in that dress.

    Comment by TheHobo | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  3. “over rated, clap clap clap clap” is my new favorite thing!

    Comment by sar | February 24, 2009 | Reply

  4. I’m amused at how many words chicks will use to compliment or slag off another chick. It’s much simpler with guys. The only words we need are “hot” and “not”.

    Comment by WhoMee | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  5. And here I thought it was “would do” and “wouldn’t do.”

    Oh, who are we kidding, is there any celeb a guy wouldn’t do?

    Paris maybe?

    Comment by TheHobo | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  6. Incidentally, Paris was in a movie called The Hottie and The Nottie… which makes me think she agrees with WhoMee.

    Comment by baby fish mouth | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  7. Which one was she playing?

    Comment by TheHobo | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  8. “hot” is a synonym for “would do” and “not” for “wouldn’t do”. My words just have fewer letters, and thus use less time and energy that can be better used for said doing. Nuff said.

    Comment by WhoMee | February 25, 2009 | Reply

  9. pshaw! yeah, um.

    Word.

    Comment by TheHobo | February 25, 2009 | Reply


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