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Another Word from Mae

Canada is not awesome Edition

canada-flag1After posting my reasons as to why the French are jerks, one of our favorite commenters was a bit upset because I said the Canadian military is as intimidating as the French military, and she gave us a list of 15 reasons why Canada is awesome. I’m here once again to discredit that notion, while adding a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has a few awesome things.

Note: This is in no way an attack on rumoUr or Canada; it’s merely a subjective list. Everyone is entitled to her opinion, but if it’s different than mine, it’s wrong! Thanks!

1) Canadian beer sucks, except La Fin du Monde. (Also, American beer sucks just as much.)

2) Mounties. *giggles*

mountie


3) Dealing with 19 year olds in bars is super annoying.

4) Universal Health Coverage in Canada isn’t that great if you have to wait a year for a surgery.

5) Canadian hockey teams suck. That’s why Canadian players want to play on American teams. Like the RED WINGS! And why Gary “I’m a doosh” Bettman is taking away all the Canadian teams and moving them to cities in the US that shouldn’t have hockey teams (That and the fact that they’re losing money in a big way). But, Phoenix, really?? That makes no sense, but that’s a whole ‘nother post. Although, they do have some cool uniforms. Like Edmonton’s and the Canadiens’.) Oh, and hey, Toronto, isn’t the plural for leaf “leaves”?

6) I don’t even know what Poutine is, but it reminds me of ‘Pootietang.’

7) The movie Canadian Bacon. (Which I realize is an American movie, but it has “Canadian” in the title.)

8) Tim Horton’s is quite possibly just as overrated as Starbucks.

9) Curling

10) Does anyone know any lyrics to their national anthem besides “Oh, Canada”?

11) The absurd amount of taxes its citizens pay.

12) Canada didn’t gain independence from England until 1982. It took them that long to get around to telling those limey bastards to piss off? The American colonies defeated a larger, stronger British army with the help of France for Christ’s sake! We got our independence the proper way: through a bloody, violent revolution.

13) Pamela Anderson is from Canada.

13b) so is Celine Dion.

13c) and Avril Lavigne

14) Home to America’s draft dodgers. We’re trying to save the world, people! (This could also be a knock on Americans/America for having a draft in the first place.)

15) Canadian Football League.

16) Their coins always get rejected from vending machines. Also, they take our money, but up until recently (in Michigan anyway), most places didn’t except Canadian money. Bullshit! (This could also be a reason why the US sucks.)

16b) Speaking of money, the Loonie? Really? I always wondered how strippers were tipped in Canada with coins. Do you just throw them at them on stage? Do they have coin purses attached to their thongs? And then I went to a Canadian strip club. You set them on the stage. BOOORING!

16c) They still have British Royalty on their currency.

17) Our flag represents something.  It’s filled with symbolism. Their flag, with their Maple Leaf, says, “Watch out for us, we’ll dry up and blow away!”

canada-flag


18) There is no worse insult than being called “French Canadian.”

19) Don Cherry

don_cherry


20) NICKELBACK!!!!!!!!!!

nickelback


Now to be fair, here are a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has some awesome qualities.

1. Steve Yzerman. (And hockey.)

steve-yzerman

2. Canadian bacon (Or ham. Whichever you prefer to call it.)

canadianbacon

3. John Candy.
4. It’s a pretty beautiful country.
5. No taxes taken out if you win at the casino (Or that was the case last time I was at Casino Windsor–Caesars–6 years ago.)
6. The Zamboni.
7. Better gun control than the US. Seriously, I can make one phone call and have a variety of illegal auto and semi auto guns to choose from. It’s ridiculous.
8. Leonard Cohen, Rush, The Guess Who and Arcade Fire.
9. The Hour with George Stroumboulopoulos.

thehour
10. Toronto.
11. Easy access to drugs. And pot. Although, getting that bottle of Vicodin and bag of pot back across the border is not easy.
12. Don Cherry’s suit coats.

don_cherry

Update:

13. Degrassi. (I completely forgot! Thanks, Cait. (I like old Degrassi better than the new school though! :P)

14. Janet!

July 21, 2009 - Posted by | A Word from Mae, Culture Critic, Wistful Lists | , ,

38 Comments »

  1. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Red Wings/Steve Yzerman mentions. They bring massive amounts of joy to my heart.

    I chortled when I got to Don Cherry and Nickelcrap.

    The 19 year olds in bars part didn’t suck when I was hopping across the border to celebrate my 19th birthday but during my more “seasoned” state (read: older) it would drive me batshit crazy.

    Comment by oilybohunk7 | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  2. mae.cracks.me.up.

    Comment by DonnaMartin | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  3. I was totally one of those annoying 19 year olds. I loved it. Never went back once I turned 21 except to show a friend from TX the Falls.

    Can we add Barenaked Ladies to the awesome(r) list?

    Comment by Cristal Methodd | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  4. brilliant.

    hahahaha.

    just you know.

    brilliant.

    Comment by DonnaMartin | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  5. “We got our independence the proper way: through a bloody, violent revolution.” That made me snort…in an embarrassingly loud way…

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  6. Toronto does kick major ass, I mean where else can you go to find a bar dedicated to purveying the miracle that is Scotch (STM, the place is called The Feathers and it has 450 kinds of single malts!)

    Leonard Cohen, The Guess Who, Rush and Arcade Fire are awesome! As are Evan’s Blue[if you're into the Heavy Alt rock thing(which I am)]

    Poutine is french fries smothered with gravy and cheese curds. It’s pretty good for a hangover just don’t get them from Mc Donald’s.

    Tim Horton’s is at least cheaper than starfux, and they have that damn delicious toffee doughnut!

    At least Don Cherry will gladly host the Wing’s games on CBC when they’re at home and I’m too drunk/lazy to go to a bar and watch it on sportcenter.

    Dispensing gasoline by the Litre sucks when your used to the gallon(good ol’ American “bigger is better” mindset

    Comment by drgnsldr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  7. As a fellow Michigander I will gladly stand at your side the day the Mounties politely trot across the bridge and try to invade. I think they will turn around once they reach the half way point of Ambassador Bridge and see the firs of Detroit. Hell, there is always something on fire in Detroit, that’s what gives it it’s charm. If they don’t turn back we can handle them. There are a few area’s in Detroit that are just about post-apocalyptic already. No horse riding red coat is going to make it two blocks from the river.

    There is one thing on your list for some reason I have always liked and want to try, most likely when I’m really drunk. Curling.

    Comment by KeeblerKahn | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  8. “Watch out for us, we’ll dry up and blow away” – yep, there went the soda…

    Comment by AdmittedlyAddicted | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  9. Does this mean the flag does not, in fact, stand for syrup like I’d always hoped? I would totally dodge the draft to head to a country that puts a syrup symbol on its flag.

    Comment by Roxydarling | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  10. I am actually Canadian…and an Albertan
    and in Alberta the drinking age is 18…so its annoying 18 year olds at the bar.

    Comment by Audioaddiction | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  11. i really have to take iss-yew with you people calling yourselves michiganders…

    Comment by DonnaMartin | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  12. Okay, Jonathan Coulton has a song about curling that totally rocks.

    Also, one of the first stories I did in college was on curling. I have a soft spot for that sport.

    Also, my mother is Canadian.

    Also, we have 19 year olds in our bars too, they’re just pretending to be 21. They’re still anoying.

    Also, I should probably find another transition word.

    Comment by TheHobo | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  13. I hate Poutine!!! My stepmother is from Canada and she shoves that crap in front of me all the time. It is gross I tell you! Gross!

    Comment by Deimos | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  14. Donna Martin, this has been the age old semantic fight for us residents of Michigan. To use Michigander or Michiganian. Either one sounds like you’ve got a mouthful of pudding and are trying to say “missed again”.
    I object to Michiganians because it too closely resembles Canadian, and I object to Michiganders because it sounds like some sort of species of fowl.

    So on top of the highest unemployment rate in the country, the highest percentage of obesity, and claiming murder capital of the world as our largest city; we got a new one, most awkward name for it’s residents. WE ARE SCREWED!

    Comment by drgnsldr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  15. We could get around the whole Michigander/Michiganian situation if we could come up with a term as fun as Yooper (Upper Peninsula residents) for the Lower Peninsula residents.

    Comment by oilybohunk7 | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  16. I’ve always heard they have called us Trolls (living under the Mackinac Bridge and all). But I don’t know how many of us want to be called trolls.

    Comment by drgnsldr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  17. TheHobo, my boyfriend is a tad Canadian too. And you inspired my next post!

    Oh, and oilybohunk, I thought you’d appreciate that. :) The Boyfriend wanted me to add that Canada is home to Sidney (Sindy) Crosby.

    Cristal, sure.

    Drgnsldr, I can name a few dozen or so people who deserve to be called “trolls.”

    Comment by Mae | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  18. Yah, Trolls doesn’t really have the ring to it that I’m looking for.

    Comment by oilybohunk7 | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  19. Loopers, Mittenheads, Peninsulators, Wolvermarines, wehavesportsandallyouhaveissnow-ers

    Comment by oneofthevoicesinmyhead | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  20. I only use the term Michigander as a joke. Anyone who is proud to call themselves a Michigander should leave the state before permanent brain damage sets in. Of course with all the people leaving the state looking for work I don’t think there are too many proud Michigander’s left anyways.

    I hear we are going to be changing our state motto from “If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you” to “Will Work for Food.”

    Comment by KeeblerKahn | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  21. DM: i really have to take iss-yew with you people calling yourselves michiganders…

    I’m guessing the females are michigeese?

    Comment by rl | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  22. Hm… they do travel in packs and go ape shit on you if you invade their personal space. And do scream a lot…

    Comment by Mae | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  23. Another awesome thing about Canada-land.

    Janet!111!!oNEONEOneoN!!!

    Comment by ManBearPig | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  24. Herb Carnegie is my uncle!!

    This may be the only place I can type that and be OH SO PROUD that it’s actually relevant to the conversation.

    You know what, I’m going to say it again!

    HERB CARNEGIE IS MY UNCLE!!!

    Comment by lava | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  25. this is very excite, but who the eff is herb carnegie?!?!?!?!?!

    Comment by stopthemadness | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  26. i’m pro-janet. definitely pro-janet. in fact, i voted yes on proposition janet, but i ain’t registered to vote in canada because i refuse to submit to their bullshit bacon naming laws.

    Comment by stopthemadness | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  27. stm i googled him for ya http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herb_Carnegie

    Comment by lava | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  28. Where the eff is Degrassi on this list?

    Comment by Cait | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  29. yeah!

    and kids in the mother-gentlycaressing hall?

    Comment by stopthemadness | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  30. that is BAD ASS, lava.

    Comment by stopthemadness | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  31. drgnsldr-

    i have a great friend from michigan (went to western michigan) who insists on calling his cabin by the lake a “cottage.”

    i ask you. what is with michiganders and the word cottage?

    also, my other friend who is also the western michigander’s wife is from rhode island and she balks when he tries to compare the lake to the ocean. now i’m no big ocean apologist, but i gotta go with rhode island on this one–

    i don’t give a shit how big the lake is, it’s STILL A LAKE! NOT THE OCEAN!

    so er. not sure why i’m so angry about it.

    but the 450 kinds of scotch does sound tempting!

    Comment by stopthemadness | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  32. STM
    As an Islander myself(born and raised in Puerto Rico moved to michigan when I was 10), I know exactly why you’re angry about people comparing a really big lake compared to a vast ocean. It’s the closest thing michiganians have to the ocean so they take great pride in it. But I think there really is no comparison. One has dangerous sharks that will eat you, jellyfish that will sting the shit out of you and the other, well, doesn’t.

    As for the word cottage, I’m guessing that cottage has a rustic connotation compared to cabin, which has the connotation of a ship or airplane. It’s a guess, I don’t think the majority of people are smart enough to think about connotations, I guess if it was good enough for granpappy it’s good enough for them

    As far as Canada goes, I’m thinking I should renew my passport for some cheap and readily available xanax followed by a visit to Feather’s. The only bad thing is smoking isn’t allowed in bars over there so no cigars with my scotch and xanax. I’d probably be better off not handling anything involving flames or extreme heat after that combination though.

    Comment by drgnsldr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  33. I am truly envious of you Lava, I think it will be a long while before any of us beaners make into the NHL. But I’m happy enough that hispanics have pretty much taken over the U.S.’s national passtime, and disneyland.

    Comment by drgnsldr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  34. hahaha. drgnsldr = win.

    Comment by stopthemadness | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  35. Mae, you had me at “one of our favorite commenters” even if you did forget the “U”. :-D

    Oh and a request to all Americans: please stop buying Nickelback, Celine Dion, and Avril Lavigne records. That is the only way we can get rid of them. Merci beaucoup.

    Comment by rumoUr | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  36. STM, I graduated from Western Michigan University. I’m from the Zoo (Kalamazoo) home of Derek Jeter, Matt Giraud (American Idol) and absolutely nothing else.

    I think we’ve had the Lake Michigan discussion before ;). I just can’t help myself, my parents have had a boat on the lake since I was 14 or 15 and I love it with a burning passion. I’m definitely under no illusion that it is anything like an ocean though.

    Comment by oilybohunk7 | July 21, 2009 | Reply

  37. I grew up on Lake Erie. I like it better because there are no dangerous sharks that will eat you or jellyfish that will sting the shit out of you (although I would avoid the mutant Small Mouth Bass near the Davis Besse powerplant). Plus if you get lost on the lake you would just end up in Canada. If you get lost on the ocean you could end up some place much worse… like France!

    Comment by Cristal Methodd | July 22, 2009 | Reply

  38. This was a hilarious read.
    STM – people in Wisconsin have Cottages too. Maybe it is something about bordering Canada?

    I must add, even if Lake Michigan is just a Lake, it still makes me puke like I was on the ocean. My inlaws have a boat on the other “coast” of Lake Michigan and I have to sit on the dock in the boat pretending I can hang with them.

    Comment by payter | July 22, 2009 | Reply


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